EXCLUSIVE!! The REAL story behind Ann Curry's firing.

There’s been much finger-pointing following the public execution – excuse me, “reassignment” of Ann Curry from her position as co-host of THE TODAY SHOW. Who’s to blame? NBC? Matt Lauer? Well, it turns out with all the corporate take-overs NBC has endured over the last couple of years, the man really pulling the strings is none other than Charles Montgomery Burns. This blog has received a secret tape made in his office that explains the whole messy affair. This is a byKenLevine.com exclusive. I expect to be flooded with calls from every major news organization and CNN.

But here first, for my loyal readers, is a transcription of that recording:

BURNS: Smithers! Ger in here!

SMITHERS: (over an intercom) Yes, sir.

(Burns hums “MMMBop” and two beats later Smithers is heard entering.)

BURNS: What took you so long?

SMITHERS: I was giving Dan Harmon notes.

BURNS:  What show is that nitwit on?

SMITHERS:  COMMUNITY. 

BURNS: Oh!  He needs to use Chevy Chase more!

SMITHERS: That’s exactly what I told him, sir.

BURNS: He’s the only one who’s funny on that misbegotten show.

SMITHERS: He should be the face of our network, sir.

BURNS: Without question! The kids love him.  But that’s not why I brought you in here, Smithers.

SMITHERS: Chelsea Handler said no to your sexual advances, sir.

BURNS: Drat!  Promise her a sitcom.

SMITHERS: Which hotel would you like me to reserve a suite?

BURNS: I don’t care. The one I had with that Whitney person will be fine.

SMITHERS: Ah, yes. The Times Square Marriott. The champagne, Viagra, and hair piece will all be chilled and waiting.

BURNS: Excellent! Now to the business at hand. We have to fire Ann Curry.

SMITHERS: Absolutely, sir. The girl has to go. I can't believe we waited this long.  But may I ask why?

BURNS: Why?  Why?  Why she had the audacity to slap my face.

SMITHERS: Uh, that was Julie Chen, sir.

BURNS: Oh. Well. The yearning has passed. Fire her anyway.

SMITHERS: I’m afraid that due to the union we’re going to have to show cause before we can do that, although it needs to be done.

BURNS: Damn those infernal unions! From now on I want MEET THE PRESS to come out of Ottawa. We'll break them, the bastards!

SMITHERS: Yes, but returning to Ann Curry…

BURNS: A reason for dismissal? Oh, fiddle-di-dee.  She doesn’t sparkle on cooking segments. Off with her head.

SMITHERS: That is unconscionable I will grant you that, but I’m not certain it’s enough -- avoiding-litigation-wise.

BURNS: There’s no chemistry.  How about that?

SMITHERS: Actually, I think she and Matt Lauer get along nicely.

BURNS:  I mean no chemistry between her and ME!

SMITHERS:  Gotcha, sir.  Zinc and Yttrium.

BURNS: She doesn’t measure up to past hosts. Now Deborah Norville, she was the oyster's ice skates. And the public loved her.

SMITHERS: You might be thinking of Katie Couric.  Or Jane Pauley.

BURNS: Well, whoever had the colonoscopy. Now that was great television. In fact, take a note: I want all NBC talent to have on-air colonoscopies. Let's see ONCE UPON A TIME compete with that!

SMITHERS: I of course agree with you that Ann Curry is a liability, but there may be a PR issue.

BURNS: How so? And stop sniveling on my desk.

SMITHERS: Sorry, sir.  Well, as valid as those reasons to let her go are, the public might not see it that way. And instead they might blame you, sir.

BURNS: Me? What did I do? Is it my fault she can’t cook a ham and is married to Les Moonves?

SMITHERS: Uh, that’s Julie Chen.

BURNS: Well, whoever says “This is TODAY on NBC” and is Asian, fire her sorry ass!  But do a colonoscopy first.  And blame someone else.

SMITHERS: Right.  Of course.  I suppose we could say Matt Lauer wanted her off the show.

BURNS: Who’s he?

SMITHERS: Her co-host.

BURNS: Yes! Yes! That’s it! He’s jealous of her talent. She wouldn’t sleep with him. Something like that so the public will be on his side.

SMITHERS: Only one problem, sir, although that is a brilliant idea.

BURNS: She did sleep with him. Oooh, wait’ll Moonves hears about that.

SMITHERS: No. I have a number of memos from Matt saying he really does believe in her and strongly advises we give her more time. Eventually, he claims, the audience will really love her.

BURNS: So he is sleeping with her.

SMITHERS: No. I believe that’s how he truly feels.

BURNS; Well, destroy those memos!   Shred them!

SMITHERS:  They're emails, sir.

BURNS:  Then shred the computers!  

SMITHERS: What if he goes to the press?

BURNS: Hmmm. We have to put the fear of God into him. I know. Make him host the Golden Globes red carpet show.

SMITHERS: Sir, with all due respect, he didn’t kill anybody.

BURNS: I don’t care! Besides, this will all blow over in two days. Nobody is going to care. I didn’t get to run the National Broadcast Company by not knowing precisely what the public likes and doesn’t like.

SMITHERS: Fair enough, sir. So who should replace her?

BURNS: I’ve had my eye on that Rachel Maddow. Call her and reserve my suite at the Times Square Marriott.  Chill the champagne and Viagra.  Heh heh heh!

SMITHERS: Alright, sir. But I really don’t think that’s going to play out the way you think it will.

(At that point the tape cut out.)