My worst night in the theater since Lincoln

The run of my play, A OR B? at the Falcon Theatre ends on Sunday.  If you want to see it, this is your last chance.    Here's where you go for tickets.  Happily it's been very well received.   More than the laughs it’s getting, I’m most gratified that no one seems to be leaving at intermission.  This is a big deal for me. 

I think back to maybe my most uncomfortable night in the theater EVER. Thank God this wasn’t my play, but there’s always the fear that someday it might be.

This was years ago. Before I had kids. There is a large theater scene in LA – lots of small theaters (99 seats or less) in various pockets around town like West Hollywood, East Hollywood, and North Hollywood. Nothing south because there’s no South Hollywood. Once somebody does name a neighborhood that then theaters will follow.

Anyway, my wife and I used to love frequenting these small theaters and seeing new plays and musicals. Not all were great, but most were worthwhile. And there’s always something exciting about watching live actors perform. I was also producing TV at the time and was always on the lookout for new talent. From time to time I would hire actors for guest star roles after discovering them in one of these modest venues.

One day we noticed that a certain actress had written a comedy. I'm not going to mention her name.  We were fans of her on-camera work so decided to give it a try. It was held at a small 49-seat theater just off Melrose Ave.

This was a Saturday night and there were maybe fifteen of us in the audience. Not a good sign.  We all sat in the first three rows. The actress/playwright sat behind us in the fourth row.

The play was awful. Painful. Torturous. And this actress/playwright laughed uproariously at every lame thing the poor actors were saying. No one else even cracked a smile. We all just squirmed in our seats and wished we could have crawled underneath them.

When intermission came (what seemed like nine hours later), my wife and I bolted. We got in our car and drove past the theater. Everyone else was leaving as well. Couples were racing to their Hondas and hatchbacks. I suspect that when act two began the theater was empty except for the playwright. Now you wanna talk about a douche-chill moment. Can you imagine?

All playwrights would like standing ovations and Tony awards, but I’m quite content to see everyone returning to their seats after intermission.

Interestingly, there are a lot of plays now that don’t have intermissions. Generally they’re comedies and less that ninety-minutes. But theater owners encourage this because it eliminates people leaving at the act break. I chose not to go that route. And it’s not because I want to live dangerously. There’s something about live theater – once you hit forty-five minutes you somehow HAVE TO use the bathroom. You’ve seen the lines. You’ve been in the lines. I should’ve read the reviews of that actress/playwright’s play. When the nicest thing anyone could say about it was you were allowed to pee, you know you’re not headed to Broadway.

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Open Letter to Current Showrunners

This is a serious request. I would love a current showrunner to challenge me. I would love to hear an opposing view. If you care to write I will post your response without touching a word. I make this offer not to be argumentative or stir up controversy. It’s that I really would like to understand your take.

Here’s my point: After a fairly long dry spell situation comedy has had a recent resurgence. Thanks in part to THE BIG BANG THEORY and MODERN FAMILY, networks have once again embraced the genre. Unfortunately, the new comedies are all doing horribly. Some are already cancelled. Others have had their production orders reduced drastically. Every week we read that this sitcom or that sitcom has hit all-time lows. A few have even dipped below a one share. A one share!  That is almost unimaginable.   Clearly, the audience is rejecting sitcoms in the form they’re currently in. Fox continues to cling to NEW GIRL and THE MINDY PROJECT despite dreadful ratings. CBS has the most success programming comedies but even their moderate hit shows plummet when removed from cushy time slots.

A hit comedy is a) a cash cow, and b) a rating juggernaut. You can seemingly rerun them forever because audiences will cheerfully watch episodes they’ve seen before, even multiple times. But if year after year everything fails, at some point the networks are going to say, “How long can we keep making Edsels?” 

My point of view: Not only are most of these shows not funny. They don’t even try to be funny. I’ve heard showrunners say they don’t want jokes or they don’t want the audience to suspect a joke is coming. I’ve ranted on this before. Showrunners somehow feel that doing jokes is selling out in some way. And I maintain that GOOD jokes result in laughs. And comedies need to be funny – certainly funnier.

I’ve maintained that irony and self-awareness and endless pop cultures and quirkiness do not substitute for laughs. And it’s not that I’m just lobbying for more one-liners and zingers. If you can get laughs by putting your characters in hilarious situations that’s great. But what I’ve seen repeatedly these days are tepid, soft, mild shows that go for smiles at best.

So again, I ask – what am I missing? Seriously. I’d say it was an age thing if these new comedies were getting big numbers with Millennials, but they’re not. And trust me, I’m not one of those disgruntled comedy writers sitting in a back booth at a deli saying, “That’s why experienced people like me should be running shows.” I don’t want to run a show. I really don’t. I want to watch and enjoy and laugh at your show.

So I would sincerely like to know your thinking. I invite any current showrunner to email me. bossjock@dslextreme.com. Why don’t comedy writers want to write comedy anymore? I’d really like to know. Thanks much.

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How aliens view earthlings

An alien aircraft has been discovered hovering over the earth. We’ve been able to intercept their communications back to their mother planet. Through complex mega-computers we’ve been able to translate their language. Turns out it’s very similar to Yiddish. The following is a recent communique detailing their impressions of us earthlings:

We recently have been able to access something called the internet. It is a shared data service that can only be accessed by fruit. We don’t know how they tap into these pieces of edible spheres  but specifically humans utilize apples for this purpose.

The internet is received in several ways, mostly through radio wave transmission. We were able to access it thanks to something called Verizon. There is another service – AT&T – but that one didn’t work.

All forms of information are available on things called websites. Based on volume of traffic we conclude the primary interest among all humans is pornography. In a country called the United States there seems to be a large allegiance to Fox News. Those same humans switch back and forth between Fox News and pornography.

Whereas we have libraries, earthlings obtain their reading material through a website called Amazon. Prices vary wildly. The smallest unit of United States currency is one cent and we found a book that only costs that amount. It’s called “It’s Gone! No, Wait a Minute” by Ken Levine. How terrible must it be to sell for the absolute minimum value possible? And it’s an autographed copy.

We were able to piece together a pretty accurate profile of the lifestyle of those citizens of the United States. There are websites where humans share captured video images of themselves. Two such heavily populated sites are Facebook and Instagram.

Here’s what we’ve concluded: Nobody works. Everybody is on vacation all the time. Everybody looks very flattering. No one’s hair is ever mussed. Everyone smiles all the time. They all seem to derive their life force not from water but from cocktails. Everyone is holding a cocktail in a strange container shaped like a funnel attached to a thin stem. Everyone has an obsession with small animals that are pleasing to the eye. The Fox News faithful share articles criticizing the United States leader.

Unlike our culture where we share complex ideas, on this planet they offer advice in the form of little inspirational sayings. Example: A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but on its own wings. Always believe in yourself.

Each entry allows for feedback in the form of “likes.” If a reader approves an entry he may add his name to the “like” section. Based on the number of “likes” we conclude these broad simple generalizations really resonate with humans. The other thing, oddly enough, that humans appear to approve enthusiastically is death. We found many humans sharing that a loved one has passed away and numerous other humans register “likes.”

Humans find it important to document every meal with a captured video image. Apparently one cannot eat fried clams or boysenberry pie without letting the world know.

It is a good life these humans lead. Every night these humans go to concerts. Or restaurants. And it has always been thus. There is a feature called Throwback Thursday where humans share captured videos of themselves in the past – at concerts and restaurants. Interestingly, they always joke about their hair and appearance in those vintage images but they look just as foolish or worse today. Only their teeth is now whiter and the females seem to have larger breasts.

To sum up: We find earth a most inviting planet. We would like to remain here, even land and go on vacations and participate in pornography ourselves. Currency appears mandatory to survive on earth, and of course we have none. But we have come up with a solution. We have started something called a Kickstarter campaign. So far, in three days we’ve raised fifty-thousand dollars, all from Fox News faithful who would like us to take control of their government.

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Let's see what's at the Sky Mall!

When I take my seat in an airplane the first thing I do is seek out the Sky Mall magazine. I am forever amazed by the ungodly prices they charge for bizarre hokey items. Who buys this crap? Here are some of the chotzkes in my most recent Sky Mall.   Warning:  This is a re-post from five years ago so the prices are probably higher and half these products are probably now banned. 

Vuzix iWear – Glasses that are supposed to simulate the big screen experience. $249. More if you want the iMax experience.

Gravity Defyer Shoes. Somewhat self-explanatory. $200. Or, for $4 you could tape Slinkys to your current footwear.

HairMax LaserComb – it’s a comb, it’s a laser. It’s the miracle answer to hair loss. Only $449! Perfect for that cue ball who spends thousands on a toupee that looks like a toilet seat.

X5 Hair Laser – See LaserComb but substitute metal ice pack. $299.

A Portable Alarm Clock for your iPhone. Uh, doesn’t the iPhone already have an alarm clock? $99.95.

Computer Speakers for your iPhone. Not to be confused with any speakers that are the same size and use the same plugs. $149.99.

Retractable Banner Pens – Okay, this you could really need. A thousand for only $950.

Hand Therapy Bars -- $59.

Water trappers -- $169. And they’re fade resistant!

Exclusive Microfibres Trellis Mat to protect high-traffic areas. Here’s the good news: it’s low profile so it will never obstruct your door. $149.

Ingeniously engineered EZ Bed that features an extra-plush mattress, a highly supportive frame, and new dual comfort zones. $299. Who buys a bed from a catalog? "I dunno, it sure seemed firmer in the picture."

Wolfgang Puck-designed toaster – otherwise known as a “toaster”. $99.50.

Cinema style Popcorn Maker – Who doesn’t crave seven tubs of popcorn while watching the National Geographic Channel? $199.

Electric Vortex Solo Heater – Nothing heats a room better than Vortex power. $169.

All-in-one Recycling System – patent pending. Perfect for the person who has compacted and non-compacted items. The idea Christmas gift! $299.

Personal Breathalyzer -- $199. Because expensive gadgets know when to say when.

Feature-laden solar emergency radio – Ideal for those sunny day emergencies. $80.

A Bill Sorter – for only 199 of them.

The Custom Keeper -- 25 cubic feet of storage -- A far better name than laundry hamper. $199. Pretty much everything is $199.

The world’s largest write-on map mural – Only $149. The house with cathedral ceilings at $2,000,000 is not included. But what a mural!

Voice activated R2-D2 – “makes any home feel like it has been transported to a galaxy far far away”. The ad goes on to say it features “distinctive happy and sad sounds faithfully mimicking the real thing… right down to his occasional bad mood." If you buy this (at only $169.95) you are too nerdy to live.

The Electric Tint Changing Ski Goggles – No changing goggles while hurtling down the diamond course. $249.95.

The Upside-Down Tomato Garden – $79.95.

The Hand Crank Two Way Radio – Think of all the money you’ll save on two dollar batteries! Only $99.95.

The only Digital Camera Swim Mask – And it’s waterproof! $99.95.

The Sleep Regulating Sun Lamp – It produces no harmful UV radiation so that’s a plus. $249.95

Adjustable Sheepskin Slippers – You wake up in the morning, it’s 20 degrees in the house, you want your feet to be comfy as you putter around the kitchen. $49.95.

The Motion Sickness Relief Wrist Band – It keeps time and reduces nausea! $139.95.

The Finger Drum Mousepad -- $39.95.

The Mind Spa – This comes with a Catwoman type mask and a control unit that combines soothing sounds and calming lights. $349. From SuckerBornEveryMinute Industries.

The Carbon Fiber Heated Vest --$149.95

The Continuously Freshening Feline Drinking Fountain – What cat would be caught dead drinking out of a bowl these days? $69.95. For an extra ten dollars they should throw in a cat.

The Million Germ Eliminating Travel Toothbrush Sanitizer – It uses “proven germicidal UV technology ". And it sanitizes a toothbrush in only seven minutes! $29.95.

The Foldaway Lateral Stepper – $99.95. Or you could just step from side to side yourself for free.

And finally…

The Children’s ATM Bank – No more breaking into piggy banks, kids! Get a debit card and go to town! $39.95.

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Too Many Cooks -- too funny

This is from Adult Swim and if you haven't seen it yet you must check it out. Anyone who has ever watched '70s or '80s cheesy sitcoms will recognize these tropes... actually several genres are spoofed. Incredibly funny and well-done. The man behind it is Chris "Casper" Kelly. As it unfolds it becomes progressively weirder and there's a danger that theme song could become a permanent ear worm but for sheer brilliant parody you gotta make yourself an afterschool snack and watch TOO MANY COOKS. If nothing else, it's so well cast.

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It's always funnier in German

This is a clip from a FRASIER episode called "Miss Right Now" that David Isaacs and I wrote.  It was translated into German.  If ever there was a language perfectly suited for the rhythms of humor it's German.    Zu genießen.

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Friday Questions

Friday Questions based on my writing process and recent posts about my play (closing soon so get your tickets now):

Matt starts us off:

You have said before that you tell actors to hold for the laugh because you don't want them talking when nobody can hear. What do they do if there is no laugh?

They just keep going. The actors I have, Jules Willcox & Jason Dechert, are seasoned vets of the stage and easily roll with the punches. I am amazed at how aware they are of everything around them. They’re totally in the moment and relating to each other on stage yet after the show they’ll say “You moved to a different seat in the second act” or “there was a guy who stifled a sneeze in the third row.”

I once sat in the first row at the LA Music Center for a play and was so bored I almost fell asleep. But I had to pretend I was interested and really engaged. I didn’t want to insult the actors or hurt their feelings. The best performance in the theater that night was by me.  So far no one has fallen asleep in my play... or at least snored loudly enough to be heard. 

From Chester:

Ken, I'd be interested to know more about your process for rewriting and inserting new jokes.

I suspect it's a lot more difficult than just coming up with a funnier punchline. Wouldn't you have to go back and rework the set-up, alter references, perhaps even adjust the overall plot of the play? I imagine the ripple effect of any small change could possibly affect other things somewhere else in the script. Love to hear more.

Absolutely on all counts.

So many times when a joke doesn’t work it’s the set-up that’s at fault. Remember, there are three elements to a good joke (and if any of my USC students are reading this, write it down):

Information, set-up, punchline.

If the audience doesn’t get the reference, or the reference is ambiguous and might be misinterpreted, or even vague, then the joke is unlikely to land.

The set-up could also be too wordy or too hard to say.  I try to read my stuff aloud but sometimes things slip through.  I hear the actor struggling and know it's my bad.    

Often times if a joke doesn’t work and I can’t think of a better punchline I’ll just go in a different direction, find a different joke altogether.   This is where a partner helps.  We sometimes get too locked in to one avenue.  You have to train yourself to step back and attack the problem from an alternate direction. 

And in writing character comedy, the jokes have to express an attitude and move the story forward. So it’s not just how funny can I make this line? The joke has a function and must serve the story as well as get a laugh. And serving that story comes first. So it’s tricky sometimes.

I also try to have several running jokes throughout the piece. So if a joke comes out that is part of the running gag then I might have to make further adjustments to other lines.   The good news though, is when you hear an audience laugh at something you can often do a call-back, and that call-back might solve your need-new-joke problem. 

MikeK.Pa. has two questions:

Does laughter increase or decrease in relation to alcohol content? Assume laughs go up with the blood alcohol. Also, do you continue to tweak the play in its second week or is it now a done deal? Will there be a second act (another play) in the future?

I am not an authority on alcohol but assume one or two drinks might put a person in a more relaxed, receptive mood for comedy. But drunks rarely pick up on character humor or satire.

As a writer, I do not want my material to depend on alcohol or any other crutch. I write my jokes hoping they’ll stand up to the most sober audience.

I have tweaked the play a little after opening night but not much. Just a line here or there. It’s 90 minutes of some intricate dialogue and only two actors. At some point you just have to let them learn it and get comfortable with it. I love my actors and don’t want them to hate me by the end of the run.

What’s your Friday Question?

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