If I retooled AMERICAN IDOL

AMERICAN IDOL has announced it will undergo a major facelift in order refresh a clearly dying franchise. Not only do I not know who was crowned last week’s AMERICAN IDOL, I didn’t even know the finals were on. And I used to review the show every week the first five or six years. The judges are being replaced (even Randy, which is like closing the barn door ten years after the animals had escaped) and changes in the format are being considered. Allow me to project what I would do and what the show would look like as a result. I imagine some folks from Fox will read this and say “why don’t we hire Ken to fix all our shows?” I’m available for the right price.

OPENING TITLES. Same except for a slight name change. In big letters we see THE VOICE and then in smaller letters of american idol.

CUT TO THE IDOL DOME, THE SCREAMING FANS AND THEN TO THE STAGE WHERE JAY LENO ENTERS. 

JAY: Thank you, thank you. Anybody see the Dodger game last night? Who are these guys? I thought I was watching the Witness Protection Program. (hilarious laughter) And did you see where President Obama got a haircut? Yeah, he got a haircut.  Did you see those photos? Not a good job, Mr. President. He must’ve gone to Fantastic Uncle Sam’s. (Even more hilarious laughter) But anyway, we got a great show for you tonight. The theme is songs your parents sang in the car when you were between five and seven. As always, let’s meet our judges. First, the lovely Ann Curry!

(Applause)

ANN: Thank you.

JAY: Everytime I say your name I wanna eat Indian food. (big laugh)

ANN: Why?

JAY: Never mind. My mistake. And also we have music icon, Bob Dylan!

(Applause)

BOB: Thanegyldgigpgooo.

JAY: And finally, Marlee Matlin!

(Big applause. She signs “hello”)

JAY: Alright, America, let’s meet your Top Ten!

TEN PEOPLE FILE IN, RANGING IN AGE FROM 80 TO 6. HALF THE WOMEN HAVE BABIES IN TOW, AND THE GUYS LOOK LIKE THE VILLAGE PEOPLE.  BIG APPLAUSE. 

JAY: Say hello to Renaltina, Soophran, Thor, Ignatz, Pleimonemony-Beth, Madonna, Billy Joe Bob Tom, Cosmopolitan, and the twins Saramardja and Keith! (Applause) Okay, let’s get this show on the road. I haven’t been this excited since Conan got audited. (Big laugh) First up is Thor singing “the Theme from Rocky.”

MUSIC STARTS AND THOR LAUNCHES INTO HIS SONG.

THOR (singing): Gotta fly now, gotta fly now, gotta fly now, gotta fly.

HE FINISHES TO A THUNDERING REACTION. CUT TO THE AUDIENCE WHERE KEIFER SUTHERLAND IS APPLAUDING. UNDER KEIFER SUPER: 24 RETURNS IN MAY.

JAY: Great job. You know there’s a statue of Sylvester Stallone in Philadelphia – otherwise known as the “Little Bell.” (big laugh). So judges, what did you think? Bob?

BOB: Igheighexhejr ihtpsehtlmwe theiswoe weuantmetnetitltaw.

JAY: Right. Marlee?

MARLEE: Bob…said…what…I…was…going…to…say.

JAY: Good enough. Ann?

ANN: I was over in Afghanistan recently and found that anthems like that designed to motivate aggressive behavior in actual fact created a sense of false confidence that was ultimately counter-productive. They’re misleading, deceptive, and in reality put our soldiers in harm’s way. So I didn’t love it.

MARLEE: What…did…she…say?

BOB IS INCENSED THAT ANN PANNED THE SONG. HE LETS HER HAVE IT.

BOB:   Aneyltieyt meitshent diet dkit pwielcmsth eige msotxmmtak!

ANN STARTS TO CRY.

JAY: Oh here we go. Bob, apologize or America will hate you.

BOB: Ighehme thepwyye xhptyiishpt!

ANN: (still sobbing) I want a production deal!

JAY: We’ll talk about this during the break.

ANN: Bob has always had it in for me.

JAY: I’m sure that’s not true.

ANN: “Positively Fourth Street” – that was about me!

JAY: You were ten when that came out.

ANN: Oh? You too? I should have known.

JAY:  Me?

ANN:  You never fought for me at NBC!

JAY:  You never fought for me!

BOB: Yithpw thephg eith oqealxmmt uet ehwpieilp.

MARLEE: Bob…makes…a…good…point.

ANN:  Jimmy Fallon is funnier.

JAY:  At least people liked me at NBC when they fired me!

BOB: Uhg heulgthwweeen!

MARLEE FLASHES ANGY HAND SIGNS.

ANN (swatting her away):  Get your freakin' hands out of my face.

THE THREE JUDGES AND JAY BEGIN YELLING AT EACH AND EVENTUALLY PUNCHING EACH OTHER.

JAY: I haven’t lost control like this since the last CHEERS show. Hey,  If you want to vote for Thor folks, the number is 1-888-VOICE-01. Be right back. Max Greenfield’s gonna stop by later. Stick around.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL.

There you go. That's just a taste. But be honest, if you saw that wouldn’t you watch AMERICAN IDOL again? Fox, I’m expecting a call.