TV sex

TV sex is not like real sex. Of course you generally don’t have Standards & Practice people hovering over the bed during real sex.

But in an age where mainstream movies are more explicit, the number one best selling book is rated X, and internet porn is only a click away, television is somewhat handcuffed (but not in the fun way). There are conceits we are asked to accept. But in real life….

What woman has sex completely naked except for wearing a bra? This is my favorite. I see it a lot when there’s a prostitute. Like prostitutes are shy. Or on the “groundbreaking” SEX AND THE CITY.

Meanwhile, on cable women are topless in GAME OF THRONES during jousting scenes.

Y’know, through deft camera work it is possible for a woman to be topless but nothing is revealed. She doesn’t have to wear a bra. An Allison Williams GIRLS sex scene is a perfect example. They tastefully cut around and you saw nothing. Meanwhile, Lena Dunham is bare breasted when she’s trying on shoes.

 

I’ve also seen scenes in shows where the woman is topless and the man is wearing a T-shirt. I don’t understand that at all.

Moving on…

Ladies, when have you ever finished sex then wrapped the bed sheet around you when you climbed out of the bed? This happens all the time on TV. The modest actress couldn’t look more awkward and generally has to hop to the bathroom, which is also somewhat unnatural. Just once I’d like to see her trip.

To avoid the whole nudity issue, another TV convention is the man just slamming the woman against a wall and the two have sex standing up. Sometimes they don’t even bother to remove their underwear, so I’m not sure how that works. And even under optimum conditions, it’s not the most comfortable position. Fortunately, the guy always lasts thirty seconds at the most. That’s not just acceptable, it’s required for television. But those thirty seconds seem to be enough as the woman is always completely satisfied. Not once has the woman said, “Wait. What are you doing? I just got this dress back from the cleaner. You’re going to get it all wrinkled. You know there’s a bedroom fifteen feet from here.” Or: “Really? That’s it?”

And if there’s a condom involved, TV guys can take them out of the packet and apply them in one second. Other than Rob Lowe, I don’t believe it.

Back in bed, the women are always wearing full make up, and it’s never messed up… both before and AFTER sex. One can only conclude that she’s freshening up DURING.

TV couples are always doing it under the covers. And why not? It’s hot, no room to maneuver, and there’s no oxygen. And it must be really hard to apply lipstick and eye liner under those conditions.

Of course, shattering all those taboos is GIRLS. And for all my making fun of broadcast television for its bogus depiction of sex, I found myself really missing bras and bed sheets.