INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
DOORBELL RINGS. LAURA, STILL BANDAGED, CROSSES TO IT.
LAURA
Go away!
DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN. ANNOYED, SHE OPENS THE DOOR.
LAURA (CONT’D)
I said...
ALAN BRADY IS THERE.
LAURA (CONT’D)
AAAAAAA!
ALAN
Thank you. Twenty-eight years in show
business and it was worth it all for
that warm greeting.
LAURA
Alan, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t
expecting you.
ALAN
What happened to your nose? You look
like a stork.
LAURA
Rob and I were in a little fender
bender. (QUICKLY) That wasn’t my
fault.
ALAN
Well, glad it was nothing more
serious.
ROB ENTERS WITH ALAN’S BAG, EVEN THOUGH HE’S THE ONE IN A
NECK BRACE.
ROB
Hi, honey. Ow! I brought a little
surprise.
ALAN
Rob, why didn’t you wear that neck
brace in the office?
ROB
I... huh?
LAURA
(THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH) Why is Alan
here, darling? That is a surprise.
ROB
I tried to call but the line was
always busy.
LAURA
Oh, right. I took it off the hook.
Millie told the entire Eastern
Seaboard and I think Poland. The
phone hasn’t stopped ringing.
ALAN
Welcome to the club.
ROB
That’s why Alan is here. There’s been
a little misunderstanding. The press
is making a big deal of it. He was
seen with two strippers at a funeral.
LAURA
Oh my. They didn’t pop out of the
coffin, did they?
ALAN
No, but that’s good. Laura, you have a
lovely house here. But I’m sure I’ve
told you that.
LAURA
Yes, thank you.
ALAN
(LOOKING AROUND) Then I have been here
before.
ROB
I told Alan he could stay with us for
a night or two until this mess blows
over. And I knew it’d be okay with
you because... well, because you love
me.
LAURA
Of course, darling. (TO ALAN) We’re
happy to have you... Please, make
yourself at home. I’ll fix some hor
d’oeuvres. Rob, could you join me in
the kitchen for a second?
ROB
(KNOWING WHAT’S COMING) Do I have to,
sweetheart?
LAURA
Yes, you do, darling.
ROB
(TO ALAN) Back in a sec.
THEY CROSS INTO:
RESET TO:
INT.KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
THE SECOND THE DOOR IS CLOSED.
ROB
Remember, I’m injured.
LAURA
Are you out of your mind?
ROB
I was stuck, honey. I was going to
use the haggis excuse but Buddy beat
me to it.
LAURA
He’s going to raise havoc. We’ll be
waiting on him hand and foot. And you
say it’s only for a night, but it’ll
be like that movie -- you know the one
about the man who came to dinner and
stayed for a week? I forget the title.
ROB
“The Man Who Came to Dinner.”
LAURA
Something like that, yeah. He’ll be
here for a week. And by the time he
leaves we’ll be walking around like
the undead -- there was a movie about
that too.
ROB
Yes. “The Undead.”
LAURA
Rob, this is no time to impress me
with your vast knowledge of cinema.
ROB
Look, honey, you won’t have to do this
alone. I’ll be pitching in... as long
as I don’t have to lift or bend or
turn or lean.
LAURA
So that leaves what -- greeter?
ALAN ENTERS.
ALAN
Laura, Rob, out of the kitchen. I’m
cooking dinner tonight. It’s the
least I can do. And to answer your
next question -- yes, unbelievably, I
can cook. I sing, I dance, I saute.
You two go in the living room and
relax, and I’ll whip something up.
LAURA
Are you sure, Alan?
ALAN
Absolutely. “Don’t cook tonight, call
Alan Brady.” That’s why I need
writers. But not kitchen help.
Shooo. Both of you.
ALAN PUSHES THEM OUT AS WE:
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
ROB, LAURA, AND ALAN ARE FINISHING UP DINNER.
LAURA
Alan, this Coq au Vin is absolutely
out of this world.
ALAN
Thank you, Laura. The key is to add
the Cognac after thirteen minutes of
stirring, and then put all the bacon,
and any juices collected into the pot.
LAURA
My Coq au Vin is a little simpler.
More of a Smothered Chicken.
ROB STARTS TO COUGH VIOLENTLY.
LAURA (CONT’D)
What’s wrong?
ROB
Bone. AAAAA!
THE COUGHING LEADS TO QUICK JERKS OF THE HEAD WHICH LEADS TO
SPASMING. ALAN AND LAURA RALLY TO HELP, AD LIBBING, “EASY”
“CAN I GET YOU SOME WATER?” ETC.
ROB (CONT’D)
(COUGH) Ow! (COUGH, COUGH) Gaaa!
(COUGH) Ow!(TRYING TO COVER FOR ALAN’S
BENEFIT) Yum. AAAA! (COUGH)
THE COUGHS GET LOUDER UNTIL HE FINALLY DISLODGES THE BONE.
THEN:
ROB (CONT’D)
Still... I love it.
LAURA
Are you okay?
ROB
Fine. Just a little embarrassed.
Alan, this really is terrific. It
just melts in your mouth... when it
doesn’t get stuck in your throat
ALAN
Fortunately, there are no bones in the
cherry pie I made so you should be
safe for dessert.
ROB
You baked a pie?
ALAN
Yeah. If I didn’t make it as an
entertainer my back-up career was
going to be “wife.”
RITCHIE ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM.
RITCHIE
Hey, Mr. Brady. What do you call a
bagel that can fly?
LAURA
Ritchie, honey, don’t bother Mr.
Brady.
ALAN
No, no. It’s no bother. What do you
call a bagel that can fly?
RITCHIE
A “plane” bagel.
ALAN LAUGHS AND REACHES FOR HIS WALLET.
ALAN
Hilarious. Here.
HE GIVES RITCHIE A DOLLAR BILL.
RITCHIE
Wow! A whole dollar! Thank you, Mr.
Brady. (CROSSES TO HIS ROOM) I’m rich!
RITCHIE EXITS.
ROB
Alan, you really didn’t need to do
that.
ALAN
When I was a kid I used to tell jokes
to my uncle and he would give me a
penny a joke. That’s how I discovered
my true calling. I’ve been chasing
money ever since.
LAURA
Still. That was a penny and this was
a dollar.
ALAN
If I had known about agents back then
I would have gotten dollars too.
Besides, I’ve got a wad of singles.
The funeral broke up early.
RITCHIE RE-ENTERS.
RITCHIE
Hey, Mr. Brady, how does a train eat?
ALAN
I don’t know.
RITCHIE
It goes chew chew chew.
ALAN
(POLITE LAUGH, THEN) You’re killing
me, kid.
HE HANDS HIM ANOTHER DOLLAR FROM HIS WALLET.
RITCHIE
Thank you, Mr. Brady.
RITCHIE RETURNS TO HIS ROOM.
ALAN
Yeah, just like me, God love him.
Although, honestly, I was much
funnier.
LAURA
I guess we should discuss sleeping
arrangements.
ROB
Right. You can have our room, Alan.
And we’ll take the fold out couch.
ALAN
Don’t be silly. I’ll take the couch.
Many’s the night I slept on couches in
nightclub dressing rooms. (WISTFUL)
Ah, those were the days (THEN) which I
can say now because I made it out of
those stink holes. But a night or two
will be nostalgic.
LAURA
Alan, I have to say, it’s a real treat
having you here. Not that I thought
it wouldn’t be (CORRECTING) knew it
wouldn’t be -- but it’s been even
better than I thought -- knew, even
though I knew it couldn’t be better
than what I thought, but it is so what
do I know?
ALAN
Laura, that’s the nicest gibberish
anyone has ever said to me. (BEFORE
SHE CAN SPEAK) I know what you meant.
Thank you. Let me get the dishes.
LAURA
No no. At least let me do that.
SHE GRABS HIS PLATE AND ROB’S AND EXITS INTO...
RESET TO:
INT. KITCHEN -CONTINUOUS
LAURA ENTERS TO FIND THE KITCHEN IS A DISASTER AREA. EVERY
POT, EVERY SKILLET, EVERY BOWL IS OUT AND DIRTY. MAYBE ALAN
ISN’T SUCH A GREAT HOUSE GUEST AFTER ALL. AS SHE SURVEYS THE
WRECKAGE:
FADE OUT.
COMMERCIAL
Note: In their script format, at the act break they wrote in "COMMERCIAL." Act two begins tomorrow. Hope you're enjoying this.
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