From the "meetings from hell" file...

Hollywood is all about meetings. You get them. You have them. You take them. You reschedule them. Generally, you’re pitching someone or they’re pitching you. The last thing said in most meetings is, “Great. We’ll get back to you.”

Some of these meetings are awkward. And the longer you’ve been around, the more of them you amass. I’ve had more than my share of these train wrecks and recounting them seems to be a popular feature on this blog. (Readers especially seem to love this one.)

So here’s another.

This happened sometime in the early ‘00s. My partner, David Isaacs and I had a development deal at Paramount. We were mentoring two young writers who had a great idea for a pilot. So we set up meetings with networks.

Based on the idea, we concluded that the perfect place for it was The WB. So we lined up that meeting first.

David and I had never had a meeting at The WB. We didn’t know any of the executives personally and had never been to their offices.

The four of us dutifully showed up at the appointed time in their modest lobby. The WB headquarters was an elongated bungalow on the Warners annex lot, which is closer to Burbank Airport than the actual Warner Brothers studios. It looked like a glorified real estate office.  Clearly, space was at a premium. 

An assistant popped his head in and invited us to “come on back.” We followed him through a maze of narrow hallways, passing the Xerox machine, coffee maker, etc. At one point he wanted us to turn left and go down another hall but we mistook his gesture and entered a large office instead.

There was some dude at a desk on the phone. Again, we had never met the VP of Comedy Development we were pitching. But we figured this must be him.

So we all flopped down on his couch and made ourselves at home. Slouching, crossing our legs, just stretching out.

The fellow looked a little shocked to see us. But he continued his call and we patiently waited – setting our water bottles on his coffee table, getting out the notes for our pitch, etc.

Finally, he finished his call, stood up, and said, “Who the fuck are you guys?”

I figured, “Swell. He forgot our meeting.  Yet another reminder of how important we are in this business.” I introduced us.

Still confused, he said, “So what the hell are you doing in my office?”

Clearly, he was a little annoyed, but hey, it wasn’t my fault he forgot our damn meeting.  Not only did we remember.  We had to drive to the valley and find this place.  TV networks are not usually down the street from strip malls.

But in awkward cases like this I find the best thing to do is lighten the mood. So I said, “Uh… pitching a pilot and maybe if it goes well, using your shower.”

Now he was really pissed. And we couldn’t understand why. All we had done was show up on time, prepared, for a pitch meeting.

The panicked assistant dashed in, mortified. There’d been a terrible mistake. That wasn’t the VP of Comedy Development. That was Jordan Levin, the president of The WB.   Oops. No wonder he didn't find it funny that I wanted to use his shower. 

We didn’t help matters by then laughing. We found it funny. Jordan Levin did not. I can’t blame him. He’s a major figure in the television industry and the Marx Brothers suddenly barge into his office.  Thank goodness we didn't help ourselves to any of his liquor.  

Needless to say we didn’t sell that pilot. Or any pilot. (We did, however, sell that pilot to NBC. President Warren Littlefield was out of the office that day.)

Ultimately, of course, The WB merged with UPN and disappeared. Looking back, all the signs were there. What network president doesn’t have an outer office? I’m surprised they lasted as long as they did.

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R.I.P. Dick Clark

The world’s oldest teenager has died. Dick Clark passed away today at 82. For years, as the rest of us grew older, Dick Clark seemed to stay the same – not only in youthful appearance but being contemporary as well. I remember him once on AMERICAN BANDSTAND interviewing Alice Cooper and thinking: “why does this not look weird?” I’m sure his Roledex went from Lady Godiva to Lady Gaga. And the secret?   He genuinely did love all the performers and the evolution of popular music.

Every generation found him cool, from the boomers of the ‘50s and ‘60s who danced to AMERICAN BANDSTAND every afternoon, to the kids of the ‘70s-‘90s who know him through game shows and blooper specials, and everyone else who couldn’t usher in a new year without Dick counting down the final seconds. He was a mainstay in our lives, projecting a calm personable presence that put us all at ease at a time when everything else was making us crazy.

And his on-air work was just the tip of the iceberg. Behind-the-scenes, Dick Clark was a giant in the music industry. His influence on Rock n’ Roll was immeasurable. He provided exposure to so many artists and championed so many emerging music styles that the line of musicians, arrangers, song writers, and music executives who owe him a great debt could stretch from the Capitol Records building in Hollywood to the Apollo Theater in Harlem.

It was a shock to all of us when Clark suffered a stroke in 2004. His first year back on New Year’s Rockin’ Eve was heartbreaking but courageous. He had really made a statement for coping with disabilities with grace and dignity. I always winced the subsequent years seeing him on the show because I feared that’s how people were going to remember him. Please don’t.

Remember Dick Clark as a vibrant personality -- boyish and totally together. The Fonz in a suit. The man who for fifty years drank from the Soda Fountain of Youth.

I will miss him… year after year after year.

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Where have all the TV executives gone?

TONIGHT SHOW host/king Johnny Carson was playing tennis one Sunday afternoon when he got a call. It was from a new executive at NBC. The Peacock was premiering some new shows and wondered if Johnny was okay with booking some of their stars. This would be like pulling the President of the United States out of the war room to ask if he knew what time Ikea closed at night. Johnny politely said, “If you’re still in this job in a year I’ll talk to you.”

Over my years in television I’ve worked with hundreds of TV executives – network and studio – and I’m amazed by how many of them have just disappeared. This isn’t a knock at executives. I’m very fond of many of them; see some socially. But I can’t count the number who once held pivotal influential positions in the industry and then just vanished.

Now granted, that side of the business is a revolving door. Always has been. My agent once said we don’t pitch a person, we pitch the chair. It’s Hollywood’s answer to Buckingham Palace – the orderly changing of the regimes. Unfortunately, some good people get caught in the fallout. Not everyone fired thought putting Jay Leno on in primetime was such a hot idea.

But other industries are just as precarious. Baseball is even worse than television. Managers and General Managers get fired so frequently they receive gold watches if they last in any one job for two seasons. But everyone stays in baseball. You may be a manager this year, a coach the next, and in the front office the following year. There are not too many dentists who were once the manager of the Houston Astros (although Casey Stengel did go to dental school). They stay in baseball. They’re lifers.

In television many get out of the game. Not all, of course. Some leave network positions, become producers, and enjoy much success in that field. Others walk away with fuck you money. Some go into teaching or explore new media opportunities. But I would venture that for every former executive who remains in TV there are ten who have gone away forever.

A lot of the women go off and raise families. And of those I know, most say they’re happier. One told me that working with writers was great training for handling toddlers.

Still, it’s curious. Executives have to pay dues, get breaks, claw and scratch for advancement like anyone else. They’ve obviously made a career commitment to pursue television. So why do so many of them sign up for the witness protection program after a few years?

I doubt it’s the lure of glamor that private sector insurance provides. Or the flights on corporate jets that come with produce middle management.

And I guess executive functions are similar in all fields, but it must be tough for headhunters to fill corporate positions at Dow Chemical with people whose only previous experience is giving notes on TGIF comedies.

Unless…

There is something nefarious going on. Perhaps these people have been kidnapped by other nations strapped for mass market entertainment. It’s like how Germany rounded up scientists during the war. Maybe that explains why Univision is routinely beating NBC. And U.S. networks are buying all these foreign shows. Is the Minister of Television of Bhutan really just the former VP of Late Night for ABC? Should we send out a search party? “Last seen picking up COP ROCK.”

Wherever these people are now, I hope they’re happier and more fulfilled than when they were developing WHO’S YOUR DADDY?

If you know of any of these lost executives, tell them to please call home. Their families miss them and the network wants the card key to the parking structure back.

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Do I watch my old shows?

Here’s one of those questions worth an entire post. It’s from Nancy Knechtel.

Mash and Cheers and so many of your shows are on ALL the time. Do you ever watch the old episodes? Can you enjoy them or do the memories come flooding back? Does your family run out of the room? There really could be a Ken Levine Network....

That’s a pretty far-fetched idea but I imagine a Ken Levine Network would still garner better ratings in primetime than NBC.

To answer your question, there are some shows of mine I watch, and others I don’t.

For the most part I have a hard time re-visiting my MASH episodes. There are a few exceptions, but by and large I can’t watch them without saying, “Oh, we could do that better,” and “there’s got to be a better joke than that,” etc. We were very young when we did MASH. I would love one more pass at each of those scripts.

But some MASH episodes I still really enjoy including POINT OF VIEW, OUT OF SIGHT/OUT OF MIND, GOODBYE RADAR, THE BILLFOLD SYNDROME, and MERCHANT OF KOREA. And there are parts of the others I like.

Most of our CHEERS episodes I can watch without cringing. There are a few duds along the way (we wrote 40 total), but even those might not be too bad. I mentioned this story before – a few years ago while in Arizona for spring training I happened upon a CHEERS of ours that I hadn’t seen in ages and was pleasantly surprised. But I don’t know if it was just funnier than I remembered or the comedy bar has been lowered so it appears better than it is.

Certain episodes I can watch over and over. TO ALL THE GIRLS I’VE LOVED BEFORE, RAT GIRL, DEATH TAKES A HOLIDAY ON ICE, ANY FRIEND OF DIANE’S, FINALLY, and BOYS IN THE BAR are just a few. Usually, what makes them so re-watchable is the performance by the actors.

Maybe because we didn’t do enough of them to have clunkers, but I gladly will watch any of our FRASIER episodes.

And there are a couple of WINGS we did that I still have a fondness for. Brian getting a nose job for one. Same for BECKER.

I also find it easier to watch shows I directed than shows I wrote. Good performances and good camera angles don’t diminish over time.

But you’re right, Nancy, that all of these shows bring back memories – some good; some Vietnam flashbacks. What I recall most though are the jokes we didn’t use. They were so appallingly inappropriate. But funny. Sick, disturbed, and in many cases libelous, but really FUNNY.

The family never goes screaming from the room when I watch an old re-run. Just when I watch baseball.

I feel so privileged and lucky that work my partner and I did thirty years ago is still being seen and appreciated. I’m my own worst critic so I sometimes only spot the flaws, but I’m infinitely proud of these shows and hope they keep playing for another thirty years. So even if I don’t watch them, you should.

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You've got to see this

I've already posted it on Twitter (you're welcome to follow me), but wanted to share it here.  This is maybe the coolest thing I've ever seen at a ballgame.  It was opening night in Seattle.  The Mariners have a feature between innings where a youngster gets to run out and take second base.  Watch what happens.

Thanks again to everyone who showed up at the meet-and-greet.  The over-under from my Mariners broadcast crew on just how many people would actually attend was 2.  So we went way over that.  It was a great time and so nice to meet my readers face-to-face.  Interestingly, no one introduced themselves as Anonymous.   Based on the success of this I'll try to organize more, including one in Los Angeles. 

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A CAN'T-MISS idea for a family sitcom!

Comedy writers are always looking for new twists on family shows. It’s almost an impossible task. Sixty-plus years of television sitcoms have given us seemingly every relationship combination possible. Multiple wives, occasional wives, trophy wives, surrogate fathers, widowed fathers, teenaged fathers, fathers from outer space, arranged marriages, mixed-marriages, May-December marriages, April-June marriages, kids by a previous marriage, kids by a previous divorce, widowed kids, orphaned kids, latch-key kids, test tube babies, talking babies, kids with two dads, two moms, two gays, and whatever the hell that arrangement is on SHAMELESS. Dad moves back in, grandpa moves back in, adult kids move back in, Alf moves in. You get the idea. There's nothing new under the sun. 

Well comedy writers, take heart!  May I introduce you to Jerry Lee Lewis?

Jerry Lee Lewis was a rock star in the early days of rock n’ roll. Some of his big hits were “Whole Lot of Shakin’ Goin’ On”, “Breathless”, and “Great Balls of Fire” (which was also the title of a 1989 movie about him, starring Dennis Quaid). Here’s an example of Jerry Lee in his prime.

He also played the piano with his feet, which of course is the prerequisite of all great musicians.

Anyway, his career hit a little snag when he married his 13-year-old cousin. Why I don't know.  But that was just the first Mrs. Lewis. And here’s where we get into family-pilot-gold –

Recently he married his seventh wife. Her ex-husband is Jerry’s cousin whose sister was Jerry’s first wife.  Now seriously, tell me you've seen that before on ABC.

As always, you're welcome.   

But alas, what happens if you’re not the first four in the door? Once every network buys this sure-fire premise then what? Fear not. Again, dipping into the relationship-rich world of music, I give you Screamin’ Jay Hawkins.

At the time of his death in 2000 it was revealed he had fathered at least 55 children by God knows how many women. I say “at least” because they’re still counting and the number could eventually reach as high as 75.

SCREAMIN’ JAY PLUS 55.

Neither of these stories are made up.  They're both absolutely true.  That's what makes them so great.  And so REAL.  

Get on the phone to your agent. And Paula Marshall.

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In appreciation of Elizabeth Montgomery

Elizabeth Montgomery would have been 79 today.  I know this factoid because I have had a crush on Elizabeth Montgomery for &^%# years (gee, something must have gone wrong. The number didn’t print.) Let’s just say since BEWITCHED. There were a lot of TV actresses who were hot back then. But Samantha Stephens was the only one I wanted to marry. And not just because she could turn my math teacher into a Chia Pet. Sam truly was adorable. And funny in that unassuming way you rarely see in witches and genies.

Plus... guys, back me on this – how sexy was that nose twitch? It’s like, if she could do that, what else could she do?

When I became a weekend disc jockey at KERN in Bakersfield I turned my love for Liz into a running bit. The KERN Top 30 survey distributed at record stores featured Ms. Montgomery on the cover every week. That’s what they get for having me design it.

In the early 70s when my partner David and I were writing spec scripts David worked in the film department of ABC. Elizabeth Montgomery starred in a Movie of the Week as Lizzie Borden. David called and said “get your ass down here!” Turns out for European release there was a nude scene. I practically drove on sidewalks to get to the studio where we screened then re-screened (and re-screened again) the scene in question. Ohmygod! Samantha Stephens, naked, blood all over her, holding an ax. Be still my heart!

I only saw her in person one time. And I never actually met her. It was about ten years later. There was a restaurant in Santa Monica called the Maryland Crab House, which featured the whole Chesapeake crab experience – butcher paper, a pile of spiced crabs on the table, wooden mallets, buckets. Liz and her husband Robert Foxworth came in and sat right across from me. Ironically, I would direct Robert years later on the Al Franken sitcom, LATELINE. (He’s the one I thought should run for the senate). So picture this. The goddess I’ve adored forever… chomping on crabs, ripping them apart, contorting her face, sucking claws, swilling beer, juice running down her arm. And I was STILL ENTRANCED.

Anyone I’ve ever talked to who worked with her said she was a dream. Professional and kind and giving as an actress. She made everyone on the set feel comfortable from fellow actors to the lowliest crew member.

Most of her work was in television although she did a few movies, most of them forgettable like one with Dean Martin and a cameo in HOW TO STUFF A WILD BIKINI. But if you can find JOHNNY COOL with Telly Savalas, that’s a good B-movie pot boiler. I imagine some of her TV movies survive. If so, (in all seriousness) A CASE OF RAPE shows just how good a dramatic actress she was. And her episode of THE TWILIGHT ZONE was killer. For sheer camp check out A KILLING AFFAIR in which she has an interracial affair with O.J. Simpson.

She was outspoken against the Vietnam War when that was not a popular position. She was a volunteer for the Los Angeles Unit of Recording for the Blind & Dyslexic, a non-profit organization which records educational books for disabled people.

Elizabeth Montgomery was only 62 when she passed away. But she’ll remain forever young, forever Bewitching, and generation after generation will continue to fall under her magic spell.

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