The Worst Songs of All-Time

I haven't done this in a couple of years but it's one of my favorite features -- suggesting and asking you to contribute to the list of "Worst Songs of All Time."   The fun is reading your cringeworthy suggestions.   There are, uh... "No Boundaries".   I'm sure I will also get outraged people defending some of these choices.  If you think "Disco Duck" belongs in the Great American Songbook next to "Stardust", I want to hear from you too. Hello from Seattle, by the way.

Here are a few of my nominees to get you going.  Most are oldies.  Although I'm sure today's music has as many if not more.
Honey....Bobby Goldsboro

Good Morning Starshine....Oliver

The Night Chicago Died....Paper Lace

Billy Don't be a Hero....Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods

One Tin Soldier....Coven

My Boy Lollipop.....Little Millie Small

Surfin Bird....Trashmen

Mule Skinner Blues....Fendermen

He Hit me and it Felt like a Kiss....Crystals

Transfusion....Nervous Norvis

Ballad of the Green Beret....Sgt. Barry Sandler

Laurie...Dickie Lee

Deck of Cards....Wink Martindale

Hooray for Hazel....Bobby Roe

Yummy Yummy Yummy....1919 Fruit Gum Co.

My Dad...Paul Peterson

Timothy....Buoys

Unicorn Song...Irish Rovers

Watching Scotty Grow...Bobby Goldsboro

I've Never Been to Me...Charlene

Paper Tiger...Sue Thompson

Wildfire...Michael Murphy

Indiana Wants Me...R.Dean Taylor

Letter From Elena...Tom Clay

Little Black Egg....Nightcrawlers

Disco Duck...Rick Dees

Baby I'm a want you....Bread

Past, Present, Future…the Shangri Las

Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald....Gordon Lightfoot

Girls girls girls are made to Love...Eddie Hodges

Seasons in the Sun...Terry Jacks

Love Jones....Brighter Shade of Darkness

Heartbeat is a Love beat -- Delfranco Family

The Streaker...Ray Stevens

She Can't Find Her Keys...Paul Peterson

Ringo...Lorne Green

I Sold My Heart to the Junkman....Bluebells

Gallant Men....Senator Everett Dirkson

Which Way you Goin Billy....Poppy Family

Torn Between Two Lovers....Mary McGregor

Happiest Girl in the USA ...Donna Fargo

Ben...Michael Jackson

Open Letter to my Teenage Son...Victor Lundberg

The Men in my Little Girl's Life....Mike Douglas

Tin Man...America

Johnny Loves Me...Shelley Fabares

I Put a Spell on You...Screamin' Jay Hawkins

Claire...Gilbert O'Sullivan

Walk like an Egyptian…the Bangles

Today is Cindy's Birthday....Johnny Crawford

Close to Cathy....Mike Clifford

Locomotion...Grand Funk Railroad

The Americans...Byron McGregor

Haunted House...Gene Simmons

Ruby Don't Take Your Love to Town....Kenny Rogers

Bottle of Wine....Fireballs

Wait For Me...the Playmates

How am I supposed to live without you…Michael Bolton

Sad Movies make me cry…Sue Thompson

Martian Hop....Randells

Skinny Legs and All....Joe Tex

Hello Hello....Claudine Longet

Tutti Fruitti....Pat Boone

Mrs. Robinson....Frank Sinatra

We are the World…USA for Africa

Do the Clam....Elvis Presley

Hello…Lionel Richie

I Remember You…Frank Eifield

Sometimes when we touch…Dan Hill

Uh oh (part II)….the Nutty Squirrels (as if part I is any good)

Wam Bam (Shang-a-Ling)….the Silvers

Laugh at Me...Sonny & Cher

Little Green Apples....O.C. Smith

I Wish I were a Princess...Little Peggy March

You Really turn me on...Ian Whitcomb

I'm Henry the Eighth....Herman's Hermits

Muskrat Love...Capt. & Tanille

Sit on my face, Stevie Nicks...the Rotters (although that's a great title)

Jingle Bells...the Barking Dogs

Downtown...Mrs. Miller

Ain't No Way to Treat a Lady...Helen Reddy

Candy Man...Sammy Davis Jr.

Puppy Love...Donny Osmond

Touch me in the Morning...Diana Ross

Another Somebody done somebody wrong song...B.J. Thomas

Float On…the Floaters

Dominique…the Singing Nun


How does that grab ya, darling….Nancy Sinatra

Chick a Boom...Daddy Dew Drops

Mmmmm Bop...Hanson

You Light up my Life…Debby Boone

Neanderthal…Hot Legs

Call Collect...Art Linkletter

Karma Chameleon…Culture Club

Please Mr. Please...Olivia Newton John

Mickey...Toni Basil

Old Rivers...Walter Brennan

You Better Sit Down Kids...Cher

Indian Lake...Cowsills

Ding dong the witch is dead....Fifth Estate


Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep...Mac & Katie Kissoon

Wild Thing...Senator Bobby

Tall Paul...Annette

Feelings…Morris Albert

Dreams of the Everyday Housewife…Glen Campbell

Roses are Red…Bobby Vinton

Stayin’ In…Bobby Vee

Chevy Van…Sammy Johns

England Swings…Roger Miller

Patches…Dickie Lee

Popsicle…Jan & Dean

I am Woman…Helen Reddy

Playground in my mind…Clint Holmes

Wind Beneath my Wings…Bette Midler

Trying to stop the feeling…Barry Manilow

The Doggone Girl is Mine…Michael Jackson & Paul McCartney

Ain’t Gonna Bump with no Big Fat Woman…Joe Tex

Speedy Gonzales….Pat Boone

I'm Not a Juvenile Delinquent...Frankie Lyman & the Teenagers

Dead Skunk...Louden Wainwright III

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Book recommendation

Getting ready for two weeks of doing play-by-play for the Mariners. How do you pack for Seattle, New York, Boston, Cleveland, and Denver? I’ll be on the air beginning Monday night with Rick Rizzs on 710 ESPN Seattle, the Mariners Radio Network, Sirius/XM satellite radio, and MLB.COM.

Included in my packing is a fun new book, THE BASEBALL HALL OF SHAME by Bruce Nash & Allan Zullo. This is a baseball book for non-baseball people because it’s essentially a humor book.

The book goes into all the stupid boneheaded incidents that occur on and off the field. So it’s a collection of goofballs and blunders – all of it extremely funny because (a) it’s all real, and (b) it didn’t happen to you.

Thank God there’s not a chapter for announcers, otherwise I’d be in it for seventeen pages.

But it’s a fun read that doesn’t take itself seriously. You’ll meet some real characters along the way and be treated to ineptitude the likes of which you’ve never seen outside of politics. So really, isn’t that what fine literature is all about?

THE BASEBALL HALL OF SHAME – perfect for Mothers’ Day or rain delays.

One of the chapters is about bad umpiring calls.  How about this one from just last Wednesday?

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Ever wondered what a Laugh Track machine looks like?

Check this out. Originally invented by Charles Douglas in the '50s. And his son Bobby has followed in his footsteps. Bobby is also one of the true gentlemen I've ever worked with in the business.

So here's the scoop on the original laugh machine. Note how enthusiastic the owner is.

Watch Appraisal: 1953 Charlie Douglass "Laff Box" on PBS. See more from Antiques Roadshow.

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Another FRASIER myth debunked

Friday Questions coming attacha!

Zhou gets us started.

Was it the thought process to make Frasier so much like the notable and famous American film star Bette Davis?

No. That’s frankly the first time I’ve ever heard that one. People have compared Kelsey’s portrayal of Frasier to Jack Benny and Jackie Gleason but never Bette Davis.

If you’re not familiar with Bette Davis, she was a wonderful actress in the ‘30s – ‘60s. And very acerbic. For a classic Bette Davis performance (and one of the great comedic screenplays of all-time) rent ALL ABOUT EVE.

Erik wonders:

Should my sitcom ‘cover page’ contain the episode title, or will the word ‘pilot’ in parenthesis, underneath the ‘title’ suffice?

The word ‘pilot’ will suffice. Good luck.

Kev has a question based on the post about the speech that launched our career.

When you're micro-editing something like this monologue, how much attention do you pay on things like cadence, or words getting repeated? Personally, it always sounds weird to me when two consecutive sentences end with the same word (unless done purposely), so I was wondering if there's anything you look for specifically in terms of how the actual speech "sounds to the ear"... if that makes sense.

Cadence and flow and word variety are EXTREMELY important. I will usually read my scripts out loud before turning them in, just to hear the rhythm.

Not using the same word in two sentences is almost a cardinal rule.  Especially in dialogue .

We all fall into comfortable patterns and at times I have to force myself to re-think a speech or paragraph. I’d like to say it gets easier and almost automatic but it doesn’t.

Jeff Badge asks:

I watched TALES FROM THE SCRIPT on NetFlix instant watch over the weekend. At one point, someone says that the shooting script of AMADEUS was the 46th revision. Antoine Fisher states he had well over one hundred drafts of his own biopic. What version of VOLUNTEERS was accepted to be shot? (I acknowledge how different this is than the version which went to editing.)

This is a typical story. We did two drafts of VOLUNTEERS then decided to change the tone, redevelop it, and do almost a page-one rewrite. There were two or three polishes of that draft.

Then a director was brought on board. He took our script and did a rewrite himself (which was mediocre at best). He left the project, a new director was brought on board who hired yet another writer to do a big rewrite. This writer’s draft was so horrendous the studio fired him, the director, and then put the film into turnaround.

When Tri-Star picked it up they went back to us. We threw out everything from the other two writers’ versions and did a major rewrite. Then a series of polishes. All of this is over a four year period.

The third director, Nick Meyer, was hired, and to his credit, he kept us on the project. We did another polish to satisfy his notes. Then when the film was cast we did a polish to better fit the characters to the actors who would play them.  So I had lost count of the number of drafts by the time it actually went into production.  And that was just the beginning. 

Once principle photography began in Mexico we stayed back in Los Angeles and fed new scenes or adjusted scenes to the set on a daily basis. This went on for several months. So to answer your question, I can’t tell you how many drafts we did but probably in the twenties. And hey, we were lucky. Not many original writers are re-hired. Although several of the scenes don’t play as we envisioned, I do have to say that 90% of that shooting script was our work.

From Matt:

I'm in the UK and love comedy (live or on TV) and the one thing that annoys me is trying to follow a US show that is broadcast here. Due to pirating episodes are now shown a few weeks or less after the initial broadcast in the states. This means we now have the annoying 'mid-season' breaks or even Would you prefer the UK way of shorter seasons that have a smaller writer team (in some cases 1 person) that are normally all recorded before transmission (and as such all episodes are shown) or the US longer season and the worries that come with that?

Obviously there are pros and cons to both but would like to know your opinion.

The only con is that you don’t make as much money. But creatively, I would MUCH rather work on a short-ordered series. And my partner agrees. We would love to do a show where we could write all of the episodes ourselves beforehand. Shows done like that have a much stronger voice and clearer vision.

But like I said, financially you take a big hit, and on American television it’s very difficult to hook an audience when you only have a few episodes.

Still, if David and I do another series I imagine it will be in that format. And just think, doing six episodes a season – in only 17 years we’ll have enough shows for syndication!

What’s your question? Leave it in the comments section. Thanks!

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Sometimes writers have to hold their ground

Remember an episode of CHEERS called Rat Girl?   Lilith's pet lab rat dies and she couldn't part with it so she kept it in her purse. It's a heartwarming tale.  My writing partner, David Isaacs and I wrote that episode and won the WGA award for Best Comedy Script that year (beating out Larry David who brings it up every time I see him. I've offered to give it to him for only .00001% of SEINFELD and so far the award remains in my office.).

But the point is it was a pretty well-received episode.  You can see it here.

But the whole show almost blew up. Over one little note.

Bebe Neuwirth, who plays Lilith and I dearly love, announced on the second day of rehearsal that she had a problem.

Lilith didn't carry a purse. Well, okay.  We asked her to make an exception this week for the story.  But she said it wasn't consistent with her character.  She explained that Lilith is a scientist and scientists don't carry purses.

Oh really? NO scientist? Ever?

Again, the whole writing staff asked if she'd graciously overlook that TINY inconsistency and please have a purse?

Were there alternatives?  

One thought was that she could keep the rat in her pocket (do scientists have pockets?) but that seemed even too creepy for Lilith, and it was important that the gang in the bar discovered the critter while she was out of the room.  We needed Frasier to explain away her rather bizarre behavior.  Our primary concern was that Lilith didn't come off like a complete loon. 

I do admire that actors take great care in wanting to be as true to their characters as possible, and details that are seemingly unimportant to us are very meaningful to their defining their roles. But sometimes, Jesus! As the great David Lloyd used to say, "It's just pretend!".

To her credit, Bebe backed down.  Most of the time (practically ALL of the time) writers make adjustments to accommodate the actors.  Sometimes we have to stand our ground.   In this case, the entire episode depended on it.   Bebe was a team player.   She embraced the purse and the episode went off as planned.

Ironically, we did expect a note, but it wasn't from Bebe and we never got flagged for it.  At one point in the script the guys around the bar get out junk food.   When David and I were writing it we wondered out loud if anyone could eat a Hostess Snowball in one gulp?   So how best to settle it?  We made Woody do it.   His favorite food was Hostess Snowballs because they were "bite size."   God love, Mr. Harrelson, he downed one of those babies in one bite.  Excuse me, but THAT'S acting! 

Happy to say that in all these years and all the many airings of Rat Girl, not once have we received a protest from a scientist.   Or Hostess bakeries. 

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How do you know if your script is any good?

Note: When I can't find an appropriate picture I post Natalie Wood photos

That’s always the big question for young scribes writing a spec script. You may like it but will anybody else?

Giving it to friends and family rarely yields objective reactions. Of course they’re going to love it. They want to love it. (Or hate it depending your family).

And the truth is most people not in the business don’t know how to read a script (as opposed to those IN the business where only half don’t know how to read a script). It’s difficult for many people to read stage directions and dialogue and be able to picture the scene. That’s not a knock on anybody. I can’t read a blueprint or a shopping list.

This is why I always recommend young writers take classes and meet other aspiring writers. Surround yourself with peers. There will usually be one or two whose opinions you value. Give the script to them. Be mindful that there may be some jealousy or competitive dynamics at work but you can generally sift through that.

Teachers are another good source of feedback if you value their assessment.

Generally, it’s best to give you script to several readers. There is a downside to this of course. You may get five different reactions from five different people – and some of the notes might be contradictory. Just like you'll get when you do make it in the business. You have to decide who (if anybody) is right.

But the good news is if you hear the same note from four sources it’s a pretty good bet they’re right. You can address all these issues before sending out your script.

There’s no clear-cut formula on how to know whether a note is a good one or bad. And especially, with people not in the business (dreaded “non pros”), their notes might be bad because they’re not adept at solving script problems, but you as the creator have to see beyond that. Don’t just dismiss the notes. Something bothers them and they don’t have the experience to identify just what it is. That’s your job. Based on their note, try to work backwards and guess what exactly might be the problem.

Always consider seriously the note, “I don’t get this.” You may think you’ve explained something sufficiently but you haven’t. We often get too close to our work. Those are generally helpful notes.

The very best way to judge your script is to arrange for a table reading. HEAR IT. Taking into consideration that the actors you use will often times be busboys at Costco and a foreign exchange student from Norway – not exactly Meryl Streep and Christian Bale, and the small audience will be somewhat biased in your favor (don't invite your family if they're not) – but you can hear the rhythm, hear the flow, get a sense of what works and what doesn’t. And if you have a comedy, laughter (or lack of it) will tell you what’s funny.

At the end of the day though, it’s up to you. YOU have to decide whether your script is good.  Just remember, Universal passed on STAR WARS.

Best of luck!

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Which current shows will get picked up? My speculation.

Upfronts are only a couple of weeks away. That’s when the broadcast networks (remember them?) set their Fall Schedules. At the moment they’re screening and loving all their pilots in Los Angeles. Soon they fly back to corporate headquarters in New York to make their final decisions. And as a wise agent once said about pilots “they all turn to shit over Mississippi.” So it’s hard to speculate on what pilots will get ordered. Plus, you don’t know any of them, so at this point what do you care?

This is sort of weird Upfronts seasons. It’s just not the same without big viewer campaigns to save CHUCK. I hate when traditions die.

But here’s the latest scuttlebutt on the current shows that are on the bubble. Read this right now because in an hour it could all change.

FRINGE was already picked up for 13. GRIMM was already picked up. NBC is doing an interesting thing with GRIMM. They’re continuing production and their second season will premiere right after the Olympics in August. I imagine by June, after already working year round, everyone on the writing staff will be seeing monsters popping out of each other's heads.

SMASH already got picked up. No, it doesn’t get good ratings, but yes, NBC likes to be invited to Steven Spielberg parties.

PRIVATE PRACTICE looks good for 13 with the tiny caveat that it'll be their final season.  

HARRY’S LAW is on the fence. If Kathy Bates could lose 20 years that would go a long way towards renewal. Let’s see how good a writer David E. Kelley is if he can pull that off.

NBC’s Thursday night comedies are all up for grabs. COMMUNITY is this year’s CHUCK. I’m personally hoping that PARKS & REC makes the cut. They did wonderful work this year.  THE OFFICE should be back... but I don't with who.  To me the big question is 30 ROCK. They’re already in syndication and Alec Baldwin has begun his annual “I’m leaving” mantra. Ratings have sucked but that’s true across the board for NBC. I would imagine it’s Tina Fey’s decision as much as NBC’s as to whether she wants to tee it up one time.

If there’s a God, WHITNEY will be gone.

Remember the big climax in BONNIE & CLYDE when they’re both gunned down in a hail of thousands of bullets? Imagine ARE YOU THERE, CHELSEA as Bonnie & Clyde, except Bonnie & Clyde had a better chance of survival.

BENT is gone, which is no surprise considering how NBC burned off the show then set its ashes on fire.

UP ALL NIGHT could go either way. It generally beats whatever’s on TELEMUNDO so for NBC that’s a big plus.

AWAKE is taking a new story line. In one reality he wakes to find his show cancelled. In the other he wakes to find his show picked up by Adult Swim.

Surprisingly, LAST MAN STANDING is on the bubble. I thought ABC was thrilled with this Tim Allen traditional comedy but apparently not. At the end of the day I think it will survive. After all, it has Nancy Travis! 

CASTLE is another show that’s not a slam dunk but should squeak by. Hey, the CASTLE books are better than the CASTE show anyway.

CBS may have only one slot for a CSI spinoff. So it’s either CSI: MIAMI or CSI: NEW YORK, or they could just compromise and have CSI: CHARLOTTE.

ROB might get picked up. I’d prefer to see WHITNEY renewed for ten years.

DON’T TRUST THE B is, for my money, the best of the B-driven shows. Could go either way. If you like it, watch it, DVR it, and watch it another fifty times. 

Still in contention is GCB because it's owned by ABC.  

BODY OF PROOF does well enough overseas that ABC might stay with this Dana Delaney procedural. That show always kills me. They do autopsies in room with glass windows. And people just walk by, ho hum. 

RINGER is a goner. Sarah Michelle Geller is not as big a star as she thought she was… even on the CW.

NYC 22 – There was always the question: what happens when these cops are no longer rookies? I don’t think they'll have to worry about that.

COUGAR TOWN or HAPPY ENDINGS? Depends on whether ABC wants to keep the small older audience or small younger audience that these shows attract.

SUBURGATORY – on ABC it’s on the bubble. If it were on NBC it would be the jewel of the schedule.

MISSING will be when the Fall Schedules are announced.

PAN AM – as dead as the real Pan Am.

THE RIVER – they’ll be crying one.

UNFORGETTABLE – CBS renewed everything else around it. Maybe they just forgot. Doesn’t look good.

THE FINDER – Can’t hold AMERICAN IDOL audience, which shocks me because the same people who like bad singers also like procedurals. It’s gone.

SCANDAL – I think it will survive. And Shonda Rhimes still has about one more year as ABC’s Teacher’s Pet.

A GIFTED MAN – flatline.

TOUCH – Kiefer Sutherland is a plus, the ratings are a minus. Will probably be back but they will ask Kiefer to start killing people.

THE SECRET CIRCLE – not promising. Maybe if they cast better looking girls.

BREAKING IN – This cat has only two lives. I expect it to be gone.

Other factors also come into play. License fees for one. There will be a lot of negotiating. Networks will offer renewals for reduced license fees. Whether the studios can produce them for those fees is another story. And then there are the pilots. If a network feels it has a strong batch of new shows it will be more likely to dump bubble series. If the development slate flames out, current shows might get a reprieve. Which explains CHUCK… year after year after year.

Good luck to your favorite show. Again, the winds could change and BENT anchors a night while BIG BANG THEORY gets canceled. You just never know.

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