Being hit on by a swinger couple

Got your attention, didn't I?   That title will make sense.  Keep reading.

I don’t go to comedy clubs anymore. I’ve had my fill of bad stand-ups doing their tired scatter shot routines. “Hey, don’t you just hate having to use condoms?” “What the fuck is up with CUP CAKE WARS this year?” “Ever try to get a taxicab in LA?” Ugh! Ten minutes of forced jokes and then when they run out of material, “You guys have been great. Thanks. Goodnight!” No payoff, no showmanship, nothing.

Yes, there are some good ones, but I’ll just wait until they become Louis C.K. or Patton Oswalt and watch ‘em on HBO.

A far better alternative is going to an intimate club to watch storytelling.

Last Saturday night I was a guest judge at a storytelling competition. TOP TALES. It’s held once a month in the show business capital of the world – Culver City, next door to an empanada place.

Six talented young people competed for a grand prize of… nothing. So you can understand why they trusted me with the awesome responsibility of passing judgment.

I guess storytelling has been a trend for a few years now. I’m a little behind the curve. My Saturday nights have been consumed with baseball and watching all that great primetime television the networks now offer.

Photos by Andy Goldberg

But I was very impressed. Not just with the performances (and all were terrific) but with the form. As opposed to a barrage of jokes, it was a pleasure to follow a story – in most cases true stories – that actually built to something. And they were very funny, but in a relaxed natural way. Laughs don’t always have to be “gags.” These came from keen observations, relatable behavior, wry asides, and all were organic to the stories. Stand up comics should take note.

Yes, I know – today’s style is snark, one-liners, ironies on top of ironies. TMZ with punch lines. But you’re putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on yourself when your act is only as good as your last joke.

Telling stories can benefit you in so many ways. Let’s face it, from the time Man first crawled out of the primordial ooze he liked hearing stories. “Let Sid tell you himself, but he lost his wallet in the ooze and had to go back in after it.” I think it’s implanted in our DNA. So you serve yourself and the audience well if you construct your act around narratives. And you get this bonus: you don’t need a joke every second if the audience is interested in your tale.

Like I said, most of the stories Saturday night were true. Two young women told losing their virginity stories but both were very different and their attitudes and deliveries were also different. One spent time with a swinger married couple who were both hitting on her (hence the title of this post.  I know you're disappointed that it wasn't about me, but how do you think I feel?). Comedy is in the specifics and the details of their stories (along with their reactions) made for two hilarious monologues.

Another advantage of storytelling – the audience gets to know you. Good comics will tell you you need a persona. Louis Black, Chris Rock, Sarah Silverman, Steve Martin, Woody Allen, Bill Cosby, George Carlin, Richard Pryor (to name just a few) – they each have very identifiable comic personas. So how do you create that? And how do you convey that? A great way is through telling a story. Especially if the story is true (or true enough with some embellishments). I felt I got to know all six of these storytellers. In just five minutes.

Comics will also say it takes five to ten years to perfect your delivery. Storytelling can shortcut that process. Why? Because you’re not vomiting back jokes, you’re communicating. You’re talking to people and being (a version of) yourself. Maybe you’ve only done stand-up for eighteen months but you’ve been telling stories all your life. Tap into that. I’ve just saved you two years of open mic nights.

Anyway, you get the idea.  Storytelling can be wonderful tool.  I rely on it when doing play-by-play.  I don't discuss how I lost my virginity but stories about the players help make them seem more human and not just life-sized bobbleheads. 

I thought I’d end this with a pithy quote about storytelling but none of the ones I found online seemed to apply. So I figured, what the hell? Make up my own. I can be deep and philosophical like Socrates, Hemingway, Fitzgerald, and the like. So I leave you with this:

Story is the mom who gives comedy a ride because he can’t drive.

Thank you.  If that doesn't make my point I don't know what will. 

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How to win tonight's presidential debate

CNN’s live coverage of the last presidential debate featured a graph at the bottom of the screen showing the continuous reaction of focus group respondents. The candidates would speak and two lines (one for men and the other women) would inch up or down depending on whether these dial twirling lab rats liked or didn’t like what was being said (assuming they understood what was being said, not an automatic assumption).

Obama and Romney were being subjected to the same scrutiny given to the pilot of THE NEIGHBORS.

As the creator and producer of a number of TV pilots I am all-too familiar with this highly accurate method of determining something’s worth. I have been on the other side of the one-way glass while forty nimrods who looked like the cast of THE WALKING DEAD twisted their little spinners while judging my creative baby. On the monitor above my head was the show with the running graphs. That joke suffered a 3% dip and women appreciated that line 7.3% more than men. Art reduced to a spreadsheet.

Producers learn to manipulate the system of course and construct their pilots specifically to win focus groups’ favor. Writing a sharper joke is not nearly as important as getting that waitress to wear a Wonder Bra.

So for tonight's debate I offer the candidates a couple of suggestions for improving your test scores.  Our Commander-in-Chief, in particular, would do well to pay attention.

Cartwheels are huge. Focus groups love ‘em! You could be proposing a 50% tax hike and if it’s in the midst of a nifty acrobatic move your graph will shoot through the roof.

Crossing your eyes is a sure-fire crowd pleaser. Saying the word “hooters” will elevate any statement on Iran’s disturbing threat to world peace.

Take a moment in laying out your solution to the unemployment crisis to introduce the audience to your new puppy.

Get choked up. Doesn’t matter of over what. But personal triumph over adversity tends to score higher than Urkel not being honored by the Kennedy Center. And if you don’t have a personal triumph just lift something from PROFILES IN COURAGE. It’s been fifty years. No one remembers that book. Look for at least one “Awwwwwwwww” moment.

Shoes matter. The road to the White House goes through Leffot in Manhattan.

Try singing one of your answers. Bad news always goes down easier when delivered by a karaoke Sinatra.

Your opponent says something you take great issue with? Just do a spit-take. You think anyone is going to listen to a “rebuttal”?

Finally and most important, in your closing remarks, make sure you say that this great nation was built by good strong Americans like you; concerned hard-working people who love this country and rate things.

Thank me at the Inaugural.

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Another rant on the current state of TV

One of the most memorable characters from CHEERS was Al Rosen, or – as he was referred to on the cast list – “the man who said Sinatra.”   Here's why:

One word. That’s it. It got a big laugh and he was used again. Al was just one of the extras. He had a funny rumpled look, he had a funny air horn type voice so Glen & Les Charles chose him to deliver the line.

Here’s why network television isn’t as good today (well… one of the reasons).

Same situation. Same script. Same line. But today, the CHEERS producers would have to put Al Rosen on tape and four other actors on tape, send the tape to the network, and the network would decide who got the part. Some junior executive in the NBC casting or current department – probably someone a year removed from Cal State Northdridge – would make that decision over the Charles Brothers and James Burrows. Glen & Les and Jimmy have a roomful of Emmys, are proven writers, director, and showrunners, CHEERS is their singular vision, and yet, if they were making the show today they would have no say on which guest actors were on their show… even actors with one line.

This is outrageous. This is unconscionable. And today, this is the norm. It’s not one network; it’s ALL of them.

For years now networks have dictated who you can hire for your series regulars. And as the showrunner you often find yourself stuck with someone who can’t deliver and you have to spend your time and effort writing around them. I don’t know any of the particulars, know no one involved in the production, but I’m guessing that’s the story with Jamie-Lynn Sigler on GUYS WITH KIDS. Everyone else is so good and it’s like she’s in a different show. But I can just imagine the network casting session. “She’s very pretty, people know her from THE SOPRANOS, the other girl you brought us is funnier but she’s kind of mousey, and what was she on – some CW show or some ABC Family thing? Let’s go with Jamie. No, her audition wasn’t great. But you can work with her. She can grow into the part. We approve Jamie.”

And now that extends to guest star roles and even one-line parts.

That’s the kind of absurd micromanaging that goes into today’s primetime productions. And shows are getting a 2 share.

We did a pilot for Fox a few years ago and the network had to approve everyone’s wardrobe and even the set dressing. Despite all my years in the business I couldn’t be trusted to select the candlesticks on the dining room table.

So here’s a radical plan. Radical?  Hell, it's INSANE!!  What if one network decided to TRUST the creative people they commission to produce shows? What if the showrunners were allowed to hire who they want to play waiters? What if showrunners were able to hire the writers and directors they thought were the best – not who the studio had under contract or who satisfied whatever agenda the network had that season? What if it was agreed working writers knew how to break stories better than recent graduates of the University of Rochester screenwriting program? Or that Emmy winning creators were qualified to select lamps?

What’s the worst that could happen? The show might plummet to a 1.6? (I love the positive spin networks give shows now. UP ALL NIGHT went up 28% last night. That’s a .3. Back in the day a .3 was so insignificant it was considered “margin for error.” Today decisions are based on it.

But the upside. You might get better shows. Shows with a stronger, clearer voice – y’know, like they have on CABLE – that parallel universe with series that people talk about and love and win awards?

You might also get better writers coming to you first with better ideas.

Again, you’re getting 2 shares! 3 shares! Test patterns get a 1 share. What do you have to lose? Other than control – control that you’re really not entitled to anyway.

So if CHEERS was being done today, what do you think the chances are Al Rosen would have been selected to be the man who said Sinatra? “Too old. Too ugly. Talks funny. Let’s go with this kid who looks kinda like Aaron Paul.”

You KNOW that’s what would happen.

And that's one of the reasons shows used to get 30 shares and are now getting 3's.  

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The REAL Tom Tuttle from Tacoma

I received an email from Tom Tuttle from Tacoma. Fans of VOLUNTTERS recognize that as the name of the character John Candy played in the movie. My partner David Isaacs and I wrote the screenplay and are responsible for the name. Who knew there would be a real person, or that anyone would remember VOLUNTEERS? I feel like the father in the Johnny Cash song, “A Boy Named Sue”.

So if you ever wondered how we came up with the name or what life has been like for someone saddled with the name, here is my correspondence with Tom (which he graciously allowed me to share).

As the real Tom Tuttle from Tacoma, WA….I have been asked all my life (well since 8th grade or 84’ish) why the name Tom Tuttle for the movie Volunteers? Was I consulted? Did I get royalties? To this day, 24 years later, people still laugh when I introduce myself …Tom Tuttle. They say, from Tacoma, WA? Yes. I was born and raised in Tacoma and still reside here. My question for you is…..how did you come up with Tom Tuttle from Tacoma, WA ?

Tom Tuttle (from Tacoma)

Tom,

Great to hear from you.

Believe it or not, my partner David and I wrote the very first draft of VOLUNTEERS in 1980. It took five years to get made and released. We honestly pulled the name out of the air. We wanted the character to be real gung ho and for contrast, hail from as far away from the east coast as possible. First we came up with WSU as the college. We wanted the school to be well known (they're in the Pac 10) but still a little offbeat. We checked out a few fight songs, liked WSU's the best and settled on that. Then we figured the character should hail from the state of Washington. Tacoma was sort of a funny sounding name and again, a city that was recognizable. We always pictured that the character was a little wired and whenever he introduced himself would say his name and where he's from. So alliteration was employed to help the name roll off his tongue. Somehow we came up with Tom Tuttle from Tacoma. We just liked the rhythm of it. If we had gone with Spokane it might have been Stan Stodell from Spokane.

So have people been recognizing your name your whole life? I hope ultimately it's been a positive thing.

Again, thanks for writing. Say hi to Lawrence Bourne and Beth for me.

Cheers,

Ken Levine

Ken,

First of all, I just want to thank you for taking the time out to write back; very interesting. Never imagined that I would get the real story from the writer himself. In fact, I (well my mother…because in 8th grade I wanted nothing to do with the attention) mailed off a letter to Hollywood. My Mother has been sticking up for me all along. Shortly after the movie came out, Tom Tuttle (from Sumner) wrote to the Tacoma News Tribune stating that he was the real Tom Tuttle from Tacoma. Well, my Mother would have none of that. So, she wrote back and the next week it was published….that I was the real Tom Tuttle from Tacoma. I will be sure to share this with her! She will get a kick out of it.

Anyway, after college (not WSU….though I visited…my father is an alumnus) I student taught in Puyallup. The day I arrived, I met Tom Tuttle (from Sumner). He was a Math teacher at the school. What are the odds. We had t-shirts made up….”Will the real Tom Tuttle please stand up”. After that, I was a teacher in the Tacoma School District for 10 years and now sell real estate with my brothers. You know, name recognition is everything in this business. I’ve been trying to find a way to use it to my advantage…I might as well. People still recognize the name. In fact, so many movies have character names, but few have had the impact that Tom Tuttle has had. Any ideas?

Thank you,
Tom Tuttle (from Tacoma)

I think we should start at Tom Tuttle from Tacoma International Fan Club. Interested in joining?

Also, while we're on the subject of Washington state (and State), one of my best friends, Howard Hoffman (a.k.a. GREAT BIG RADIO) and his wife Bonnie are moving up to Walla Walla this week.  This is very bittersweet for me.  On the one hand I'll miss them both terribly, and on the other -- I'm excited for their new adventure and Howard gave me his Dodger bobblehead collection.   Best of luck and sign up for internet up there. 

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What to see and do in LA

It’s a slow day in LA.  Lindsay Lohan had a screaming fit with her mother in a limo and was yelling that Mom was on cocaine.  Ho hum. I know this is the time of the year when people start planning their holiday vacations and if Los Angeles is among your destinations, here are a few things to see and do.

Walk along Sunset Blvd at night close to the curb. You never know which star is going to hit you with their car. You might get Halle Berry’s autograph and insurance information.  Same with January Jones... assuming she doesn't hit you and flee.

If you want to see celebrities go to Vicente market in Brentwood. Okay, it may be fired local news anchor Paul Moyer but it’s a name.

Go to Phillippe’s French Dip sandwich place downtown. Great atmosphere. You might be standing in line with the mayor, a homeless guy, and a rock star. Not sure if they do it anymore but Phillippe’s used to be the weekly hangout for former circus clowns. The Nate N’ Al’s for bozos.

Have an Umami Burger. It’s all the rage. I have no idea why. You’d think there was cocaine in it.  Lindsay Lohan's mom swears by them. 

Visit the Grove. This is Disneyland without rides. An outdoor shopping mall that looks like Main Street USA. LA’s version of an urban neighborhood – Cute by half facades and an Apple Store.   Also, plan your trip around my book signing at the Barnes & Noble at the Grove on October 29 from 7-9 pm. 

Bobs Big Boy in Toluca Lake takes you back to the fabulous 50’s, when there was car service, double-deck hamburgers, thick milk shakes in silver goblets, and the greasers from high school who stuffed you in a toilet are there to terrorize you again.

See a Laker game at the Staples Center.  Oh wait. You'll never get tickets.  Go to a Clippers game.  They're more fun anyway.  

Ride the Metro. LA has a great subway system. But don’t ask an Angelino for directions to a station. No resident of the city has ever heard of the Metro.

For you culture vultures, there’s the Getty Museum and the Fredericks of Hollywood Museum of Bras.

Go to Mann’s Chinese Theater and see if your feet fit into the footprints of big stars like Marilyn Monroe or Trigger.

While in Hollywood, fall by Amoeba records. It’s the largest, greatest, most comprehensive record store you’ll ever see. And the staff of scary, tattooed, pierced, spiked hair freaks with chains dangling from every orifice are all courteous and knowledgeable.

And then there’s Chinatown, Jake. Of course there’s a Chinatown in every town.

For souvenirs and gifts for those folks back home, swing by Melrose Ave. and check out the fine selection at Condom-nation.

Sight-seers, there’s always the La Brea Tar Pits. Big black pools surrounded by chain linked fences. It’s amazing to think that way back millions of years in prehistoric days dinosaurs fell into those pits and constructed those fences.

Get a Map of the Stars Homes. Who knows? You might get lucky and see Ronald Coleman coming out to get the paper, or Lucille Ball throwing out Desi.

Unfortunately, LA’s top tourist attraction, the Lever Brothers Soap Factory has closed. The tour of the lye vats was not to be missed.

Don’t forget the Griffith Park Observatory where they filmed classic scenes from REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE. True story: the observatory was named for wealthy tycoon Colonel Griffith J. Griffith, who donated the land. In perfect Hollywood Babylon fashion, he once served jail time for getting drunk one night and shooting his wife, convinced she was conspiring with the pope to murder him.

Which reminds me, see Phil Spector’s house too.

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What show to spec?

Time for Friday Questions. Will try to add an extra day or two of these in the next few weeks to get caught up a little. But please, continue to submit yours in the comments section.

John asks:

How much longer can I keep using my 30 Rock spec?

Three more hours.

You’d be smart to write a spec for a more up-and-coming show. My guess is MODERN FAMILY and BIG BANG THEORY are the two most popular specs these days. But write the show you feel will showcase your strengths the best… whether it’s THE NEW GIRL or GIRLS.

However, a word of caution – I would advise against writing an episode of LOUIE. It’s a trap. That show is so specific to the rhythms and vision of Louis C.K. that you can only come up short. I bet if you read the actual LOUIE scripts you wouldn’t know it’s a comedy. The execution has to be so precise – which it is – that only Louis C.K. can see it realized.

I might also abandoned any spec ALMOST PERFECTS that you have.

Here’s a question from another John -- John Leader Alfenito:

Sometimes, especially on procedural, the casting tips the plot for me. A familiar character actor, introduced early along with some other cast members, invariably turns out to be the bad guy. And, if you've seen the actor before in other things, you know immediately - he's the villain. Got to be. He's too "experienced" not to be.

I'm not trying to hurt the chances of these fine second-tier actors getting future gigs, but, short of casting complete newcomers in every antagonist role, how can you get around this?

I think you're right, John. Whenever you recognize a name in the guest cast of a procedural you can almost bet he's the killer. These former stars of their own series are not going to want to do THE MENTALIST just to be a red herring. You see Sharon Lawrence, bet the farm there’s blood on her hands.

The way around this is to have several actors of equal value and give them all good parts to play. MURDER, SHE WROTE was good at doing that.

The other option, as you mentioned, is to not use name actors, but good luck getting that one by the network.

I guess if you’re an actor you know you’ve made it if the NCIS team hauls you off at the end.

Steve Murray wonders:

When in a writing partnership, how did you deal with telling your partner that their idea was the worst thing you had heard? I'm dealing with this right now!

I’m trying to think of what David used to say to me.

Seriously, you just have to be honest. It helps if you have reasons for why you think the idea sucks so bad, or you have an alternative. But in our partnership it’s always understood that if one partner isn’t on board and can’t be quickly turned, we throw out the idea or joke or whatever it is and come up with something else. It’s easier to dream up something new then have one partner unhappy and resentful after a long argument. Those build up to where there’s a fistfight over a scripts for THE NEW MOUSEKETEERS (yes, that actually happened).

And finally, a Friday Question about Friday shows from Mr. Ace:

What is your opinion on the old TGIF sitcoms?

My kids liked them, especially BOY MEETS WORLD. I directed a few episodes of one – BROTHER’S KEEPER (pictured: right) that I actually thought was one of the better sitcoms on the air at the time – TGIF or otherwise.

But I remember one network note session after a runthrough. They had a million tiny concerns and this resulted in an endless discussion. As the director I didn’t have to personally address these notes. I just sat on the sidelines and observed. But I thought to myself, “Wow. Here are all these highly educated people – degrees from Stanford and Ivy League schools – arguing over whether the little boy should drink his milk before he leaves for school. This is a TGIF show. The audience is eleven year olds. Who gives a fuck whether the kid finishes his milk? We didn’t discuss the Sam & Diane relationship this much on CHEERS.”

But there’s certainly a place for this type of programming to “tweens.” Back then it was TGIF. Now there are entire channels devoted to it. And by the way, there are some good jokes along the way on a few of those DISNEY CHANNEL sitcoms.

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Looper vs. the Jetsons

I saw LOOPER recently (rollicking good fun until you go home and realize none of it makes sense… but Bruce Willis is great, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is solid once you get past his goofy make-up, Emily Blunt gamely tries to do a down-home accent, Piper Perabo is topless, and Jeff Daniels steals the movie) and a thought occurred to me.

Now first of all, I’m not a Sci-Fi fanboy. I like Sci-Fi (one of my all-time favorite books is SIRENS OF THE TITANS by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.) but I’m not geeked up on the genre. Still, give me a good Sci-Fi movie (THE TERMINATOR 1 & 2, ROAD WARRIOR, BLADE RUNNER, THE MATRIX, DUCK DODGERS IN THE 24 1/2 CENTURY) and I’m there.

But here’s the thing: When I was a kid growing up, my idea of the future was THE JETSONS. That’s what I projected. Everything would be ultra-modern. Homes looked like those glass and dome JFK terminals from the ‘60s, our transportation would be a cross between a whirlybird and a Toyota Camry. Velour jumpsuits would be the rage. I LOVE LUCY would still be playing of course, but on Channel 2357. Still, you get the idea – the world as if Hanna-Barbera or Steve Jobs designed it.

However, that’s not how most Sci-Fi filmmakers seem to picture the future. To them, here’s what the world will be like:

Burned out Detroit with everyone driving rusted out 1976 Chevys that haven’t been washed since 2037. The population is jammed into urban ghettos and no one has showered since FRIENDS went off the air. Add a CGI space cruiser flying through, a hologram billboard and you’ve got the world of tomorrow.

Everyone imagines an apocalyptic existence even if there’s been no nuclear war. I know Democrats envision this is what will happen if Romney is elected, but why do most Sci-Fi writers predict such a bleak view? Why will everyone dress like Steven Tyler? Will anyone in the future wear shorts? Once Bill Cosby dies will that be the last time any human being ever wears a sweater? How come food and shelter will be at such a premium but heavy dark eyeliner is so readily available that every future girl looks like a raccoon?

Will there be no more suburbs?   Has even San Diego gone bad?

Also, these post-apocalyptic landscapes are all controlled by evil mobsters, robots, the Government, computers and are all a metaphor for Nazi Germany.  We get it already.  Streets are patrolled by vicious goons always in black with howitzers or ray guns and sporting Robocop helmets. In some cases the hapless citizens try to rise up against them, but their tattered rags and battered 1965 hubcaps are no match against rocket launchers and vapor gamma rays.

There are always high concept conceits – time travel, time as currency, robot masters angry because WD-40 is running low – and that’s great. That’s what Sci-Fi is all about. I’m fine as long as they set up very clear rules and live by them, whatever they are. But what if – just once, just as a wacky experiment – our green efforts have helped reduce global warming, there’s still trash pick-up, and okay, maybe JETSONS fantasies die hard, but we drive/fly cars that fold up into briefcases?

I am sure this is the blog post that will get me banned from Comic-Con.

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