Diagnosing problem scripts

Here’s a Friday Question worth an entire post:

It’s from Charles H. Bryan:

Are there times when you look at a script (yours or someone else's) and think "There's something missing, but I don't know what?" Or can you always pretty specifically nail down the problem?

I only wish in my dreams that I could detect all script problems and what the fixes are. But the truth is, there are plenty of times something’s not working and I’m completely stumped as to why.

This is another reason it’s good to have partners or a writing staff. And I’ll be honest, there have been many times during a rewrite when as a group we arrive at what we think is the problem, spend six hours rewriting, and then send the script to the stage not having a clue whether we really solved the problem or just did an alternate version. Generally, we’re right about 75% of the time. But once or twice a season we find ourselves right back at square one the next night.

Why do we find ourselves in these pickles? Because we strive to be original, tell stories in a fresh inventive way. If you just follow the same story structure week after week you rarely have these problems. Personally, I think the trade off is worth it. (Of course I say that now. Sitting in a rewrite at 5 A.M. I may not be such an artiste.)

On one show I worked on early in my career we would have a scene that didn’t work in a runthrough or a story that was problematic and one of our producers would say “Don’t worry. I got the fix.” So we would just move on to the next scene. Then we'd get back to room and say, “What’s the fix?” and he’d say, “Oh, I was just saying that so we could move along. I didn’t to stand on the stage debating this all day with the actors there.” We wanted to kill him… and then ourselves for letting him fool us again.

But if you find yourself in this situation, you can take great comfort in knowing you are not alone. Practically all writers face this, even the great ones.

In his autobiography, the great Neil Simon talks about mounting his classic play, THE ODD COUPLE. They had their original table reading before the first rehearsal and the first act played like gangbusters. Huge laughs all the way through. Same with the second. During the break before the third act, Walter Matthau (one of the stars) pledged to invest a lot of money in the play. it was a can't miss!  Then came the third act. Big laughs until the last scene and then it just died. Playwright Neil Simon and director Mike Nichols (no slouch himself) were stymied. Neil rewrote and they took the show out of town for tryouts.

Night after night the same thing would occur. Monster laughs until the last fifteen minutes. Neil and Mike would then sit in the hotel lobby staring at each other. They would decide on a course of action, Neil would sit up all night rewriting, and the next evening the new version would be presented to the audience. And the cycle would be repeated. Night after night after night.

Finally, a Boston critic casually mentioned he really liked the Pigeon sisters – two characters that appeared in a second act scene. He wished they had come back. A lightbulb went on. Yes! Bring the Pigeon sisters back.

Neil wrote them into the last scene and suddenly THE ODD COUPLE played through the roof. The rest is (Broadway, motion picture, and television) history.

When geniuses like Neil Simon and Mike Nichols can't put their fingers on a problem, what hope is there for the rest of us?  

So when you get stuck just know, there is no Dr. House for writing. At times we’re all Frank Burns.

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Passing the comedy torch

The torch has been passed from Levine & Isaacs to Levine & Emerson. My daughter Annie and her partner Jon saw their first script produced last Friday night – a GOOD LUCK CHARLIE episode for the Disney Channel. It was a hard-earned assignment after six spec scripts and God knows how many nights sitting at PaleyFest events listening to showrunners talk about how great they are. If you’ll indulge a proud dad, here’s my account of that memorable night:

GOOD LUCK CHARLIE is filmed in downtown Los Angeles in the same studio that produces other kid favorites like MAD MEN, BONES, and SOUTHLAND. It’s multi-camera, shot before a live studio audience of adoring fans.

The security to get into GOOD LUCK CHARLIE was way more extensive than the security to get into the Pentagon. They went through every kid’s backpack and mother’s purse. I wonder how many diaphragms they pull out each week. (Note: this would make a great episode for THE AMERICANS. Mom spy & dad spy take their tykes to LA and go to a GOOD LUCK CHARLIE taping. Not knowing there will be security, Keri Russell has to explain why she’s got a revolver, switchblade, six passports, and a container of borscht. I want shared story credit when they use that.)

The truth is the only building in this entire neighborhood that doesn’t need a security check is the GOOD LUCK CHARLIE studio.

In typical Disney fashion, the crowd management was second-to-none. Everyone was led in and seated orderly, quickly, and by the most courteous studio pages I had ever seen. I directed a show at a studio once and the pages were like the security detail from the Altamont concert. But I’ve got to hand it to Disney. They go out of their way to make the experience as pleasant and fun as possible.

A number of shows hand out candy to keep their audiences from turning into an angry mob. Here they distributed candy, granola bars, string cheese, and juice bottles. String cheese? I remember back in the '70s when they were filming THE ODD COUPLE the warm-up guy used to toss out bite-sized Snickers bars and Tony Randall’s manager (who had to be 90 then and worth $90 million dollars) used to crawl underneath the stands and retrieve the candy that had fallen through the bleachers.

Many in the crowd were young fans so there were also games and raffles. If there was one blemish on the evening it’s that I was only two numbers away from winning the princess dress-up game. Damn! That looked so cool!  I also almost won a signed photo of the child who plays the baby (wait a minute – can she even write?) but it was that princess game I had in my crosshairs. Of course, I’m not very lucky when it comes to raffles. The only thing I’ve ever won is a XXX DVD the night I went to porn star karaoke. So I was hoping they’d give those away because there I felt I had a chance. But alas, it was just toys, iTunes gift cards, and autographed photos and posters.

This was probably the first time in twenty years that I watched a taping from the bleachers. And I realized how blasé I had become. I’ve been to hundreds to tapings/filmings and usually my sole focus is how to make the episode better? Either as a writer, director, or producer I’m concentrating so intently on details that I no longer stop for a moment and think, “Hey, this is really awesome!” But Friday night I was once again hit with that wow factor. All these sets and monitors and crew people and equipment and actors – all coming together to film a show my daughter and her partner wrote. That was mind blowing. And it should always be, no matter how many of these you’ve done. For aspiring writers, hopefully the dream of that will keep you going, keep you pushing until it comes true. And for you crusty TV veterans, let it be a reminder to pause once in awhile and realize just how fortunate you really are. (A good time to do this is as the network guys are crossing the stage en route to you with five pages of notes for a two-page scene.)

The taping went very well. It was exciting to see their script come alive and hear the laughter.  (although the bigger the laughs the more choked up I got -- I assume this is not the normal reaction to a Disney Channel sitcom).  The cast knew their lines and the show moved along at a good clip. Again, professionalism.  Sitting in the stands I was reminded of all those World Series games you see on TV where they keep cutting back to the pitcher’s parents. Mom is tricked out in team merchandise waving a big cross and Dad is always caught sneaking a quick chug from his flask. My wife and I just sat there discreetly stealing place cards off of chairs because they featured the writing credit.

After the show there were curtain calls and Jon & Annie were introduced as the writers. I was more thrilled hearing that than any introduction I’ve ever received.

Next came something I’ve never seen in all the thousands of years I’ve been in television. The audience was invited to come down from the bleachers onto the set where the entire cast was available to sign autographs and take pictures. Fans could walk through the set, take as many pictures as they wanted, and God bless ‘em, the entire cast stayed around for about 45 minutes greeting and accommodating fans. And this was after a twelve-hour work day. I asked if this was a Disney decree and they said, no. Only GOOD LUCK CHARLIE did it. Very classy. And lovely of the cast to go along. How’d you like to be the poor schmuck who had to tell Roseanne after a long shoot that she has to remain on the set for forty-five more minutes to sign autographs? Good luck, Charlie.

Hopefully this will be the first of many produced scripts for Levine & Emerson. Readers of this blog know how funny they are. People always ask if I was worried when my daughter said she wanted to become a comedy writer, and my answer is yes until I read her stuff.  And then when she partnered with Jon I knew it was only a matter of time before I'd be eating string cheese in downtown LA.

My favorite comment is from my writer friend, Gina Gold who said, "Congrats on your first grandsccript."

My thanks to Dan Staley, Phil Baker, Drew Vaupen, and everyone at Disney for taking a chance on two young scribes. Their first experience was far better than mine. The first script for me and David was an episode of THE JEFFERSONS. At the taping the warm-up man, who was the showrunner and a bit hard of hearing, was introducing everyone but us. Finally someone in the audience asked, “Who wrote tonight’s show?” and he hemmed and hawed so my charming date yelled out from the front row: “Hey, they’re sitting right here, fucker!” We were banned from the Lear company. It's amazing we had any career at all past that night.

Of course if we want our career to continue we have to hope that Levine & Emerson hire us.

Photos by me and Michael Emerson (no, not the one on PERSONS OF INTEREST). 

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St. Paddy's Day at CHEERS

Here’s my annual St. Patrick’s Day post.  This is a scene from a CHEERS David Isaacs and I wrote. One of the many Bar Wars episodes. In this one, it’s St. Paddy’s Day. Woody had been guarding the bar all night in anticipation that Gary might try to pull something.

INT. BAR – MORNING

SAM TURNS ON THE LIGHT. HE ENTERS WITH CARLA AND NORM. WE SEE THE BAR IS ENCASED IN CINDER BLOCKS. SPRAY PAINTED ON THEM ARE “HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY.”

SAM
Oh my God. Gary.

CARLA
He topped it.

NORM
Walled off from the keg. I want him dead. His family… dead. His friends… dead. His pets…DEAD.

SAM
That rat! I’ll kill him!

NORM
I thought you were going to have Woody stand guard so this kind of thing wouldn’t happen.

WOODY (V.O.)
I’m sorry, Sam. I fell asleep.

CARLA
They bricked Woody up inside the bar.

NORM
First he marries a rich girl and now this. I tell you, that guy was born lucky.

NORM EXITS TO THE POOL ROOM.

CARLA
Boy, Sam. This thing is sealed up tight.

SAM
How you doing in there, Woody? You okay?

WOODY (V.O.)
I’m feeling a little light headed.

CARLA
Thank God, he’s okay.

NORM ENTERS FROM THE POOL ROOM OPENING A CAN OF BEER.

SAM
Hey, Norm, where’d you get that beer?

NORM
I’ve got a couple cans squirreled around the bar for emergencies. I always thought it would be a nuclear thing, but this qualifies.

AN IRISH BAND ENTERS. THEY’RE ALL WEARING CABLE-KNIT SWEATERS. ONE OF THEM IS NAMED SEAN.

SEAN
Where do you want us to set up, Mr. Malone?

SAM
How about right there? (POINTS UPSTAGE; THEN, TO THE GANG) See, guys? We can still win this thing. The band’s here, we’ve got the green beer… all we need to do is take down this wall and hustle like there’s no tomorrow. Okay? Now I want to see a winning attitude here. A little positivity.

THE BAND BEGINS TO SING AND PLAY A SLOW IRISH BALLAD:

SEAN
(singing) “They broke into our Dublin home, the dirty English dogs. They took away my sister and they beat my dad with logs.”

THEY BREAK INTO A QUICK UP BEAT IRISH JIG FOR A BEAT, THEN RESUME THE LYRICS:

SEAN
(singing) “Along the ring of Kerry you can hear the bleat of gulls, I’ll sip the blood of the English from their bleached and hollowed skulls.” (TO THE BAR) Everybody!!

WOODY (V.O.)
Boy, if they look as good as they sound, Gary’s doesn’t stand a chance.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BAR – LATER

ENOUGH OF THE CINDER BLOCKS HAVE BEEN CHIPPED AWAY TO RENDER THE BAR FUNCTIONAL. WOODY IS BEHIND THE BAR. THE BAND IS STILL PLAYING.

SEAN
(finishing a dirge) “…And everywhere I looked was death, death, death.”

A SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE.

SEAN
And now for a sad song. (STRUMS A CHORD, SINGS) “Twas a baby’s crib…”

SAM
(interrupting) That’s it! You’re finished. Here’s your money. Get out.

SEAN
Go to hell.

THE BAND EXITS.

SAM
Well, it’s over. I guess we should add up the receipts and see how we did.

CARLA
What’s the total, Woody?

WOODY
(figuring on a calculator) One million five hundred thousand dollars.

FRASIER
Decimal point, Woody.

WOODY
Hold everything. A hundred and fifty even.

Drink carefully and don't drive.  Happy St. Patrick's Day!

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My snarky history with AMERICAN IDOL

I reviewed AMERICAN IDOL this week and mentioned it would be my last of the season.  The show has gotten stale and routine.  But for several years I had great fun writing snarky re-caps.  So for those new readers who never saw them or blog regulars who want to remember the good time, here's essentially a highlight reel of some of my AMERICAN IDOL reviews. (For current IDOL recaps if you're so inclined, I suggest Dave Holmes at Vulture.com.)


Adam Lambert is the illegitimate love child of Freddy Mercury and Liza Minelli. He sang “Ring of Fire” but in the more traditional pre-Hitler Berlin cabaret style.

Allison Irahets is a 40-year-old divorced mother of Mickey Rourke’s twins living in the body of a 16-year-old. When all her friends are watching High School Musical she must be watching Hud.

Danny Noriega is the contestant most likely to become one of Bette Midler’s Harlettes. He sang “Superstar” for 70s week but who are we kidding? He should have sung “My Girl Bill”.

Is there one part of Diana Ross’ face and body that she has not had redone… at least twice? She is now officially the world’s weirdest Chia Pet. And when she was hugging Sanjaya I could swear she whispered, “I love you, Michael.” The ick meter was pegging the red.

Who knew? Amanda Overmyer is a “book worm”. What does she read? English literature? Russian novels? No. Rock star biographies. That still makes her the intellectual of this bunch. With the wild streaks in her hair and zebra slacks I thought she was joining the cast of CATS.

Could they pad the show any more? Christ! It was so long Paula’s drugs were wearing off.

Then came Jason Castro. Imagine Lisa Edelstein with dreadlocks.

In the getting-to-know-you segment with Jason Castro we learned that he’s an idiot and takes pride in it. Bullwinkle could have done a better job answering simple questions. Maybe after the show he and Paula can collect string.

Paris Bennett will play Gary Coleman in the touring company of AVENUE Q.

Megan Joy sported a Connie Stevens hairdo and bludgeoned “For Once In My Life”. I imagine she made the same sounds when they were burning the tattoos into her arm.

Michael Sarver sang “Ain’t Too Proud To Beg” all the while pickin’ and a-grinnin’. I guess when a boy from Jasper, Texas pleads to a girl to not dump him he smiles because if she doesn’t comply he can just tie her ankles and throw her in a sack.

Phil Stacey could easily win AMERICAN SERIAL KILLER.

As always, they saved the best for last. David Archuleta sang a fabulous interpretation of “Imagine’. The judges were knocked out by the originality. And they should be. When Eva Cassidy first sang it that way years ago on one of her albums it was quite extraordinary. Much better than Archuleta’s original cover.

Now that the kids not attractive enough for FOX have been weeded out we can get down to business. This was Country Night and the guest mentor was Randy Travis (or, for you non Country fans: Thomas Hayden Church).

I would LOVE to see Bob Dylan as the guest star one week. He would coach the kids and they would all say, “What?” “Huh?” “Could you repeat that?” “What did he say?”

And since Paula can only parrot what the guest says, it would be fun to hear her say to a finalist, “Like Bob said I think, you were either great or terrible.”

When the judges were telling Haley they thought her song was safe what they were really saying was, “Go back to the halter top!!!”

Of all the bizarre looking contestants that have tried out for AMERICAN IDOL this season none have even come close to guest judge Carole Bayer Sager. Yikes! She looked like a trampoline with eyes.

Last week the guest dead weight was Jewel. She could not have looked more uncomfortable if she were sitting with the Menendez Brothers and O.J. Simpson. Favorite moment: when she mumbled to a contestant that he had no personality.

Now that Sanjaya has been voted off, AMERICAN IDOL turned to another charity, the fight against poverty. It was AMERICAN IDOL GIVES BACK week. Similar to the Jerry Lewis telethon except it only lasted one hour not nineteen, and Paula had all the jewelry not Wayne Newton. It was a worthy cause and a lovely gesture but an “historic event in television?” I don't think so. That would be the night Randy had an original thought. We’re still waiting for that historic night.

And while we’re on the subject of overstatement – Ryan asking viewers to vote saying “it’s the most important call you could ever make.” Let’s see? 911 emergency or voting for Jordin so Newscorp will donate ten cents?

Please please please Fox, don’t look at the huge ratings Wednesday and decide the Africa footage could be a great spin off.

It was a tough night for the judges because how do you tell someone singing a “life anthem” that he sucked?

Unlike the Chabad telethon, at least they didn’t have a running crawl -- Morris Fishbine, Brentwood, $18 in memory of Sophie Fishbine… Nosh n’ Lox Deli, Encino, $18, in honor of pastrami month where all sandwiches come with soup…

STOP CRYING!!!!

This is AMERICAN IDOL not DARK VICTORY. This is not a Meredith Baxter Birney Lifetime MOW where she comes down with whatever disease killed the last patient on HOUSE. This is not LOVE STORY. This is not OLD YELLER!!

This is a bunch of cute looking kids who all sound like Aretha Franklin or Michael Bolton vying for a chance to be on television every week. It’s not, “Ohmygod, I can walk. I CAN WALK!”

The worst was this boy who lives in his car and looks like Kellie Pickler. Jesus! I’m sooo glad he was finally eliminated. He cries so much he probably needs windshield wipers on the inside of that car.

First up was Kristy Lee Cook. She sold her horse to fly from Portland to Philadelphia to audition for the show. There were also auditions in San Diego, which is closer. She could have just sold her cat.

Alaina Whittaker followed. She’s 16, blond, and has that Lauren Hutton space between her two front teeth that make her seem wise beyond her years.

Listening to Chris Richardson sing through his nose I thought this guy could do his number while drinking a glass of water. He may have to do that next week if he even survives this one.

New Coke cups this week. Cut to little girl crying.

I’m still having nightmares over Carole Bayer Sager. Imagine a slingshot that’s been stretched for four blocks.

Ann Marie Boskovich was the 247th contestant to sing “You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman”. She came in 200th.

Tatiana Nicole Del Toro – Completely nuts. Easily the most annoying contestant ever. The only time I want to see Tatiana on Fox is when Jack Bauer is torturing her. And even if she tells him what he wants to know he still doesn’t stop.

Matt Breitzke – Welder. Some contestants play their own instruments. He builds his own sets.

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A GREAT commercial

Just click on the little Vimeo.com link in the screen. It will take you to the commercial.


Le papier ne sera jamais mort / Paper is not dead ! from INfluencia on Vimeo.

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Friday Questions

Beware the Ides of March but heed these Friday Questions.

Jim S starts us off:

You talked about laughter in the writer's room. My question is what was the dumbest argument you ever witnessed. When I say argument, I mean over something dumb like why so and so never wears socks, or the designated hitter rule.

In the FRASIER room there was an argument once over what Eddie (the dog) was thinking over some stunt that was proposed. One writer in particular had to know this information. If this was the army that writer would have been fragged. 

Charles H. Bryan queries:

Why do so many sitcoms feature a character (usually supporting) who is basically an idiot? In many cases a lovable idiot, but an idiot just the same.

Besides the fact that you can always get easy laughs, stupid characters provide a great way to impart exposition to the audience. When Sam explains what’s going on to the Coach he’s also explaining it to the viewers.

So the trick is to find that line that is dumb but you understand why the character would arrive at it. Sometimes it’s a fine line. In the case of the Coach on CHEERS we had a contest in a writers room to see who could pitch the dumbest Coach joke. One day we were faced with the following set-up: Sam is in his office. The Coach comes in to say he’s got a call. Jerry Belson is one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. He pitched this:

COACH: Sam, there’s a little black man in the bar who wants to speak to you.

SAM: No Coach, that’s the phone.

WINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Liggie asks:

What, and how intensive, is the casting process for a functional, minor character who has one line and almost nothing else to do in the script?  

In the old days (5 years ago) the showrunner could just hire whomever he liked for small parts. The casting director would comb through headshots and auditions and usually bring two or three choices for the role. One would be picked and that was that. 

Or... the showrunner would use this opportunity to give a break to a struggling actor friend.  If there was a maitre ‘d my dad always got the part – and was magnificent I might add.

Now, however, for every part, no matter how small, the producers have to put five candidates on tape and the network selects the winner.   Don't blame my dad.  This happened long after he retired.

Helena wonders:

Because you're so knowledgeable about the craft of sitcom writing, do you think you enjoy watching sitcoms less than a "regular" viewer? (Like being able to anticipate a specific joke, because that's the build-up you would've used for that joke. Or something like that.)

Nothing pleases me more than to laugh and be entertained by a sitcom. I love sitcoms. That’s why I became a writer. So I try very hard not to be jaded because I don’t want to surrender that experience.

But if a show is formulaic, if the plots and jokes are tired or lame then I start automatically critiquing. Ironically, less about the specifics of the writing and more about the directing and editing. I’ll notice poorly composed shots, question whether they should be in a master or a single, wonder if they had other coverage, wonder why they didn't go to a reaction shot, see editing trims the show could use, etc.

But by the same token, I might appreciate more than the average viewer when a show is well mounted.

Here’s one from Ron:

Cheers used to have the best Cold Opens and I was wondering what the philosophy was behind them. Obviously they never had anything to do with the show.

This was a stylistic choice the Charles Brothers and Jim Burrows made to just take a moment and put you into the world of the bar. We called these "teasers."

Sometimes, depending on length, we would swap out teasers from one show to another. You can easily tell which episodes we did that. If their wardrobe doesn’t match from the teaser to Act One you know we made a switcheroo. These switches were either due to time or the teaser filmed for an episode tanked and a new one was substituted.

And finally, from Michael:

When casting pilots, do show runners consider an actor's reputation in terms of being able to be a quick study and/or causing problems on the set? Is this information widely shared among show runners?

Yes. If an actor has a bad reputation you have to consider the “is he worth it?” factor. Some actors are difficult but magic on the screen. And usually the showrunner gets pressure from the network to hire a particular actor they’re in love with (that moment).

But I’ll be honest, when me and my partner are casting a pilot and we go through lists prepared by the casting director or network, we’ll cross out names of actors we know to be headaches. Life’s too short. We tell the casting director, "don't even bring them in.  Not interested."

And actors, you should know, there is a grapevine among writers that is the envy of the CIA and all international intelligence gathering agencies. You act like a monster on a pilot and the word is out faster than one can text.

And likewise, if you’re a dream, that intell makes the circuit too.

What’s your Friday Question? And again, stay away from those Ides today.

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It's time for AMERICAN IDOL to say goodbye

As longtime readers of this blog know, for years a regular weekly feature was reviewing AMERICAN IDOL. I could usually count on at least one memorable performance, two dead-on comments by Simon Cowell, and twelve idiotic statements by Paula Abdul. At the time the show was fresh and people were actually talking about it the next day. There are so few shared TV experiences anymore. IDOL and GIRLS and that’s pretty much it. And both are similar in that they feature a lot of masturbation.

I eventually stopped critiquing IDOL because it became so formulaic and predictable that I stopped giving a shit. Apparently, so has America. Although the ratings are still good they’re a shadow of what they once were and actually winning and becoming an AMERICAN IDOL now only guarantees you’ll be asked to sing the National Anthem at spring training games. I think the only way people would pay to see Taylor Hicks is if their ticket would also include admission to the rides and other attractions at Six Flags Magic Mountain.

And then the big blow – Simon Cowell left. Yes, he’s still around, doing the same act on another show, but that’s like Lucille Ball leaving I LOVE LUCY to do HERE’S LUCY. Replacement judges have come and gone and the franchise has trudged on.

So I decided last night to check back in and see how the show is faring. It’s the first time I’ve seen it this year. The open auditions are tedious and Hollywood week is an exercise in making Millennials cry so I waited until the live show and the contestants had been whittled down to ten. New judges, new format, new excitement is what the producers and Fox promised. How’d they do?

Same old same old.

AMERICAN IDOL is now completely by-the-numbers. There’s only one new bright spot, which I’ll get to later. The Top Ten were just faint carbons of previous contestants. They can all sing, or, to be more accurate, BELT. But no one stands out. No one is original. No one is a star. So who cares? It’s like voting for State Treasurer.

The musical theme was songs once sung by former American Idols.  In other words:  songs we've already gotten clearance on.   

The judges have been swept out save for Randy Jackson. That’s like the final episode of THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW when everyone at WJM got fired except Ted Baxter. This year’s panel includes Keith Urban, who’s engaging and handsome and likes everything (even his wife’s last seven terrible movies), Mariah Carey who fulfils the Paul Abdul role of being a complete vapid idiot (one of her critiques last night: “Hashtag: Pow!”), and then that one bright spot I was talking about – rapper Nicki Minaj.

She dresses like a drag queen who works the noon-to-six shift at the corner of Santa Monica Blvd. and Cherokee, shows up late for a live show, talks in a nasal monotone New York accent (picture Selma Diamond on morphine singing hip hop) but says wildly entertaining absurd things. None of the judges give any guidance or musical insight that is remotely useful and constructive, but that’s what we’ve come to expect from all of these dunderheads other than Simon. The trope of the night was “comfort zone.” Every contestant was either in or out of his or her comfort zone. But Nicki at least tries to say something unexpected. So what if half of what she says is insane?

And Ryan is… Ryan.  Just biding his time until he can oust Matt Lauer. 

The show was two hours, which included the usual amount of padding. The first contestant didn’t begin singing until seven minutes into the program. Those seven minutes were filled with introductions, screaming applause, and pleas to download the new IDOL app. Do the math: ten singers, each singing for two minutes. That’s twenty minutes of performance in one-hundred-and-twenty minutes of airtime.

The contestants were all central casting versions of past hopefuls.

There is Curtis, the fat African-American gay guy. Janelle, the blond dumb Kellie Pickler. You’ll notice that half these kids have weird names. That’s become an IDOL staple. If you can sing and your name is Mary, you’re toast. Change it to Maribelliah.

Devin is the sensitive gay kid who looks like Tin Tin. Angie is the All-American cheerleader with big hair and voice. Gotta have one of those. And at some point she’ll lose out to an African-American contestant to prove that the show isn’t biased. (Nine black ex-contestants are suing the show claiming racism.) This was Nicki’s critique of Angie’s singing: “I love the way you walk in heels.”  Bravo!

Paul is the gay Clay Aikens kid who claims he’s not influenced by Broadway but if he were singing "Anarchy in the UK" it would sound like a show tune.

Candice is this year’s Jennifer Hudson. A heavy-set African-American with powerful pipes. Am I the only one who is reminded of “The Crying Game” when I watch her on stage?

Lazaro (unusual name? Check) is the obligatory challenged contestant. He stutters. There’s usually one who has some physical or emotional disability to draw the sympathy vote.

Also there’s Kree (unusual name? Check) the white belter. Instead of critiquing her, Nicki explained how she makes buttermilk waffles in the morning, when to put butter on, when to microwave them, etc. and then said that’s what Kree’s performance reminded her of – making waffles. Okay, it makes zero sense, but can you honestly say you saw that one coming?

Burnell (unusual name? Check) was the hip R&B dude. And finally, Amber, the gorgeous black contestant who can belt loudest of all. Mariah commented on the theatrics of her performance. She liked “the wind in the dress flowing. I know someone else who does that. I can’t think of her name.” How about Marilyn Monroe? Ever hear of her? Even the studio audience laughed at how stupid that remark was. Nicki said, "I would pay to see you wear pink lipstick."  Ellen wasn't this funny once.

A couple of times the judges gave singers standing ovations – all except Mariah who admitted that her dress was too tight. She was stuffed into it like a sausage casing, and let’s just say Randy Jackson could have gotten into that dress with less effort.  

Time was I’d review AMERICAN IDOL every week. This concludes my AMERICAN IDOL review for the season. It's tired, it's over, it's time for Ryan to anchor the NBC Nightly News.  If Nicki says something really goofy, please let me know.

Levine. Out.

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