Proof that the MASH crew worked with antiquated equipment

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Aaron Sorkin parodies

Here's a pretty great one. From Seth Meyers.


And here's one I wrote back in 2006. IF AARON SORKIN WROTE A SHOW ABOUT BASEBALL. Little did I know that he eventually would (the screenplay for MONEYBALL). Yes, he's fun to spoof. But I never miss an episode of anything he writes. So I present it again... with affection.


EXT. KAUFFMAN STADIUM -- NIGHT

THE MANAGER, LEO, TROTS OUT TO THE MOUND TO TALK TO BELEAGURED PITCHER, DANNY (THERE’S ALWAYS A DANNY). THE BASES ARE LOADED. THE CROWD IS GOING NUTS. IT’S GAME SEVEN OF THE WORLD SERIES.

LEO
You can’t get a good lobster in this town.

DANNY
Last I checked we were in Kansas City.

LEO
4.6 billion pork ribs sold every year and 18.9 tons of beef consumed annually since 1997 –

DANNY
They like their beef, what can I tell ya?

LEO
But you’d think just for variety’s sake.

DANNY
I can still throw my curve.

LEO
For strikes?

DANNY
I’m not throwing enough?

LEO
I’ve seen more lobsters.

DANNY WALKS TO THE ROSIN SACK, GIVES IT A SQUEEZE, DECIDES TO KEEP WALKING. HE AND LEO NOW WALK OUT INTO CENTER FIELD.

DANNY
It’s just that…

LEO
What? Kathy?

DANNY
No. Cabs. There’s no cohesiveness on this team. After road games, 25 cabs for 25 players. There used to be a thing called “the greater good”, forgoing your needs for the betterment of the team and community who looks to us for their identity and self worth. When I’m trying to save a game I’m really trying to save a factory. If baseball is a metaphor for life, then responsibility is its first cousin simile. And Kathy.

LEO
That’s a “1” on your back and not a “2”.

DANNY
I can’t help it. She knocks my sanitary socks off.

THEY CROSS THE CENTER FIELDER, HECTOR.

HECTOR
(in thick accent) Hey, Skip. You know where we could get a lobster around here?

LEO
Order a steak with butter sauce.

THEY REACH THE WALL AND BEGIN WALKING AROUND THE WARNING TRACK.

DANNY
I only became a pitcher because of her.

LEO
Does she know that?

DANNY
She knows that a human arm is not supposed to throw a baseball 100 miles per hour. And she knows that Jesus Christ could strike out Babe Ruth every at bat for ten years without so much as a rotator tear. But to answer your question – what was your question again?

LEO
Can you still throw your curve ball for strikes?

DANNY
No. The other one.

LEO
Does Kathy know you became a pitcher for her?

THEY REACH THE RIGHT FIELDER, AN AFRO-AMERICAN NAMED CHET.

CHET
Look up in the stands, guys. Not four black faces. Would Jackie Robinson even want to break into this game now? If this sport speaks to minorities now it speaks in Spanish. Afro-Americans make up less than 5% of the major leagues. Compare that to basketball, football, or even golf. Satchel Paige said, “don’t look back, something might be gaining on ya.” I just did. It’s now hockey.

LEO
Play a little closer to the line.

THEY CONTINUE WALKING AROUND THE WARNING TRACK.

DANNY
I think she knows.

LEO
But do you really know if she knows?

DANNY
No.

LEO
Then you know what you’ve got to do.

DANNY
Yeah.

LEO
Throw strikes.

DANNY
Right. Thanks.

LEO
And when you get home –

DANNY
Yeah?

LEO
Tell her.

DANNY
I’ll take her out for a lobster.

LEO
What do you mean, 25 cabs for 25 players?

AS THEY START AROUND THE WARNING TRACK FOR ANOTHER LAP, WE:

FADE OUT.

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Friday Questions

Friday Questions wait for no man.

Michael leads off:

In articles about the new CBS streaming service, it is mentioned that CHEERS is included because it was a CBS show. Do you know if it was sold to NBC only after CBS decided not to air it on their own network?

No. CHEERS was originally produced by Paramount for NBC. Then Viacom bought Paramount. Then Viacom bought CBS. So essentially CBS now owns CHEERS. One day we’ll all be living in the United States of Google.

A.B. has a question about “A or B?”

I'm assuming you came up with the title for "A or B?" prior to "A to Z" getting picked up to series, right? Did you then ever consider changing the title of your play?

I came up with the title last December and had no knowledge of the show. I should see if Ben Queen wants to change the name of his sitcom. It might cause confusion in Toluca Lake.

But no, I never considered changing my title. 

Seriously, I chose it because it fits the play's theme and honestly, I wanted a title that starts with “A” so when it appears in the theater listings it’ll be one of the first ones people see.

And while we’re on the subject of A to Z, KevinM wonders:

In A to Z, they are titling each episode alphabetically: A is for Acquaintances, B is for B... etc. Which means each episode is kind of locked into place. You can't take 'M is for M...,' for example and broadcast it as the 8th episode. Have shows you've worked on had to switch episode order, and how did the writing rooms change the episodes to deal with the continuity problems?

There’s not much you can do once the shows are filmed and completed. It’s infuriating but networks will juggle around the air-dates with utter disregard to continuity. If they think a show is funnier or showcases a character they feel should get center stage that week they will adjust the show order to accommodate that. And if that means a character enters college this week and applies for college next week, they usually don’t care. So if NBC wants to air H before G they will.  And I'm sure their rationale is that NBC audiences can't alphabetize. 

From Barry Traylor

How can more than one new tv show every year be THE NUMBER ONE NEW SHOW OF THE FALL? I used caps as that always seems the way it sounds during a promotion.

The answer is that all that hype is bullshit. How many of these NUMBER ONE NEW SHOWS get cancelled two months later? And they never tell you in what category are they number one? If the category is number of terrible reviews then SELFIE might be the NUMBER ONE NEW SHOW.

Just once wouldn’t you love to hear a network herald a pilot as THE NUMBER THREE NEW SHOW?

Dusty queries:

I've heard that part of Dancin' Homer came Wild Bill and the Roar from 34 at Orioles games. Any truth to this?

None at all. I was not even aware of Wild Bill until after THE SIMPSONS episode aired. The inspiration for Dancin' Homer came from three years of announcing minor league baseball and watching idiots dance on dugout roofs.

What’s your FQ?

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Do logic problems ruin a good movie?

Most of the time, I would say yes. It often takes you right out of the film if there’s something so implausible or ridiculous that you notice it at the time. This is especially true in mysteries or thrillers. Once you throw your hands up and say “this could never happen” you’re done. Or you say, “None of this would be happening if he just called her” you’re also done.

As a comedy writer, must of my time is spent working on story. Not jokes. Stories are what hold the audiences’ attention. And the backbone of storytelling is logic. Do the stories make sense? Would these characters really do that? Many times I’ll admit I come up with what I think would be a real cool story or scene and then think, “Okay, so how do I get to it? How do I justify it?” A cool scene is no good if the audience doesn’t buy it. And all too often it’s a bitch to find that justification that truly makes sense. Characters aren’t doing things just because we writers say they should.

Sometimes we’ll hit a point where there’s a small logic problem and we’ll try to determine if it’s small enough to be undetected. Going through four steps to justify it would detract from the narrative. So our choice is to either hope we get away with it or change it if we feel it’ll become apparent. Alfred Hitchcock had a great expression for these camouflaged logic lapses. “Ice box logic.” Someone sees a movie, enjoys it, and later that night goes down to the kitchen to get a snack and when he’s rummaging through the ice box (remember Hitchcock coined this many years ago when there were ice boxes) something occurs to him and he says, “Hey, wait a minute. Martha wasn’t at the train station. How could she know the train was going to be late?” But if it didn’t detract from his experience of watching the movie it’s livable. So there are times we’ll claim “ice box logic” when someone in the room points out a certain snag.

All that said, there are also movies where the logic flaws are blatant and major and audiences still don't care. THE BIG SLEEP from the ‘40s leaps to mind. Based on a Raymond Chandler novel, it’s a great old detective mystery with Bogart at his best donning the trench coat. But you can’t follow it. It’s impossible. William Faulkner did a pass, got so confused he called Chandler himself to explain certain moves. Chandler said he was happy to clear up any vague moments. Faulkner began laying out the issues. The conversation went something like this:

FAULKNER: Who killed Regan?

CHANDLER: That would be Geiger.

FAULKNER: But Geiger was already dead before Regan was killed.

CHANDLER: He was?

FAULKNER: Yeah.

CHANDLER: Hmmm. Then I don’t know. You're on your own.

Even Raymond Chandler couldn’t follow his own story. But Howard Hawks directed it with such speed and flair and you enjoy the movie immensely even though you are (literally) in the dark.

That’s kind of how I am with ORPHAN BLACK the second season. I just now assume everyone is a bad guy and kick back.

Another movie where no one seemed to be bothered by a story hole was John Hughes’ brilliant FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF. Well… one person was bothered. My partner, David Isaacs. We were in the Fox commissary shortly after the movie was released having lunch with a producer. Matthew Broderick came into the room, spotted the producer, and came over to our table. He and the producer were friends. Matthew sat down to join us for a few minutes. David casually asked how he got on the float. Ferris, you’ll recall, somehow gets on a float during a big parade in Chicago and has an amazing production number lip-syncing “Twist & Shout.” Matthew got pissed. “What difference does it make?” he asked. David continued to dig a hole for himself by saying he didn’t understand how someone could just commandeer a float during a parade and get marching bands to fall in line, etc. This pissed off Matthew even more, who kept saying, “Who gives a shit? It worked.”

In this case, Matthew Broderick was right. I suppose you could justify it by saying his character was such an operator that he could pull off anything, but it didn’t matter. It was such an infectious feel-good sequence audiences were willing to overlook any logistical issues.

But as a writer, it’s a risky way to go. And my question is: As the actor, why didn’t Matthew Broderick ask that question? Or he did and got the same answer from John Hughes.

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My worst night in the theater since Lincoln

The run of my play, A OR B? at the Falcon Theatre ends on Sunday.  If you want to see it, this is your last chance.    Here's where you go for tickets.  Happily it's been very well received.   More than the laughs it’s getting, I’m most gratified that no one seems to be leaving at intermission.  This is a big deal for me. 

I think back to maybe my most uncomfortable night in the theater EVER. Thank God this wasn’t my play, but there’s always the fear that someday it might be.

This was years ago. Before I had kids. There is a large theater scene in LA – lots of small theaters (99 seats or less) in various pockets around town like West Hollywood, East Hollywood, and North Hollywood. Nothing south because there’s no South Hollywood. Once somebody does name a neighborhood that then theaters will follow.

Anyway, my wife and I used to love frequenting these small theaters and seeing new plays and musicals. Not all were great, but most were worthwhile. And there’s always something exciting about watching live actors perform. I was also producing TV at the time and was always on the lookout for new talent. From time to time I would hire actors for guest star roles after discovering them in one of these modest venues.

One day we noticed that a certain actress had written a comedy. I'm not going to mention her name.  We were fans of her on-camera work so decided to give it a try. It was held at a small 49-seat theater just off Melrose Ave.

This was a Saturday night and there were maybe fifteen of us in the audience. Not a good sign.  We all sat in the first three rows. The actress/playwright sat behind us in the fourth row.

The play was awful. Painful. Torturous. And this actress/playwright laughed uproariously at every lame thing the poor actors were saying. No one else even cracked a smile. We all just squirmed in our seats and wished we could have crawled underneath them.

When intermission came (what seemed like nine hours later), my wife and I bolted. We got in our car and drove past the theater. Everyone else was leaving as well. Couples were racing to their Hondas and hatchbacks. I suspect that when act two began the theater was empty except for the playwright. Now you wanna talk about a douche-chill moment. Can you imagine?

All playwrights would like standing ovations and Tony awards, but I’m quite content to see everyone returning to their seats after intermission.

Interestingly, there are a lot of plays now that don’t have intermissions. Generally they’re comedies and less that ninety-minutes. But theater owners encourage this because it eliminates people leaving at the act break. I chose not to go that route. And it’s not because I want to live dangerously. There’s something about live theater – once you hit forty-five minutes you somehow HAVE TO use the bathroom. You’ve seen the lines. You’ve been in the lines. I should’ve read the reviews of that actress/playwright’s play. When the nicest thing anyone could say about it was you were allowed to pee, you know you’re not headed to Broadway.

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Open Letter to Current Showrunners

This is a serious request. I would love a current showrunner to challenge me. I would love to hear an opposing view. If you care to write I will post your response without touching a word. I make this offer not to be argumentative or stir up controversy. It’s that I really would like to understand your take.

Here’s my point: After a fairly long dry spell situation comedy has had a recent resurgence. Thanks in part to THE BIG BANG THEORY and MODERN FAMILY, networks have once again embraced the genre. Unfortunately, the new comedies are all doing horribly. Some are already cancelled. Others have had their production orders reduced drastically. Every week we read that this sitcom or that sitcom has hit all-time lows. A few have even dipped below a one share. A one share!  That is almost unimaginable.   Clearly, the audience is rejecting sitcoms in the form they’re currently in. Fox continues to cling to NEW GIRL and THE MINDY PROJECT despite dreadful ratings. CBS has the most success programming comedies but even their moderate hit shows plummet when removed from cushy time slots.

A hit comedy is a) a cash cow, and b) a rating juggernaut. You can seemingly rerun them forever because audiences will cheerfully watch episodes they’ve seen before, even multiple times. But if year after year everything fails, at some point the networks are going to say, “How long can we keep making Edsels?” 

My point of view: Not only are most of these shows not funny. They don’t even try to be funny. I’ve heard showrunners say they don’t want jokes or they don’t want the audience to suspect a joke is coming. I’ve ranted on this before. Showrunners somehow feel that doing jokes is selling out in some way. And I maintain that GOOD jokes result in laughs. And comedies need to be funny – certainly funnier.

I’ve maintained that irony and self-awareness and endless pop cultures and quirkiness do not substitute for laughs. And it’s not that I’m just lobbying for more one-liners and zingers. If you can get laughs by putting your characters in hilarious situations that’s great. But what I’ve seen repeatedly these days are tepid, soft, mild shows that go for smiles at best.

So again, I ask – what am I missing? Seriously. I’d say it was an age thing if these new comedies were getting big numbers with Millennials, but they’re not. And trust me, I’m not one of those disgruntled comedy writers sitting in a back booth at a deli saying, “That’s why experienced people like me should be running shows.” I don’t want to run a show. I really don’t. I want to watch and enjoy and laugh at your show.

So I would sincerely like to know your thinking. I invite any current showrunner to email me. bossjock@dslextreme.com. Why don’t comedy writers want to write comedy anymore? I’d really like to know. Thanks much.

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How aliens view earthlings

An alien aircraft has been discovered hovering over the earth. We’ve been able to intercept their communications back to their mother planet. Through complex mega-computers we’ve been able to translate their language. Turns out it’s very similar to Yiddish. The following is a recent communique detailing their impressions of us earthlings:

We recently have been able to access something called the internet. It is a shared data service that can only be accessed by fruit. We don’t know how they tap into these pieces of edible spheres  but specifically humans utilize apples for this purpose.

The internet is received in several ways, mostly through radio wave transmission. We were able to access it thanks to something called Verizon. There is another service – AT&T – but that one didn’t work.

All forms of information are available on things called websites. Based on volume of traffic we conclude the primary interest among all humans is pornography. In a country called the United States there seems to be a large allegiance to Fox News. Those same humans switch back and forth between Fox News and pornography.

Whereas we have libraries, earthlings obtain their reading material through a website called Amazon. Prices vary wildly. The smallest unit of United States currency is one cent and we found a book that only costs that amount. It’s called “It’s Gone! No, Wait a Minute” by Ken Levine. How terrible must it be to sell for the absolute minimum value possible? And it’s an autographed copy.

We were able to piece together a pretty accurate profile of the lifestyle of those citizens of the United States. There are websites where humans share captured video images of themselves. Two such heavily populated sites are Facebook and Instagram.

Here’s what we’ve concluded: Nobody works. Everybody is on vacation all the time. Everybody looks very flattering. No one’s hair is ever mussed. Everyone smiles all the time. They all seem to derive their life force not from water but from cocktails. Everyone is holding a cocktail in a strange container shaped like a funnel attached to a thin stem. Everyone has an obsession with small animals that are pleasing to the eye. The Fox News faithful share articles criticizing the United States leader.

Unlike our culture where we share complex ideas, on this planet they offer advice in the form of little inspirational sayings. Example: A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but on its own wings. Always believe in yourself.

Each entry allows for feedback in the form of “likes.” If a reader approves an entry he may add his name to the “like” section. Based on the number of “likes” we conclude these broad simple generalizations really resonate with humans. The other thing, oddly enough, that humans appear to approve enthusiastically is death. We found many humans sharing that a loved one has passed away and numerous other humans register “likes.”

Humans find it important to document every meal with a captured video image. Apparently one cannot eat fried clams or boysenberry pie without letting the world know.

It is a good life these humans lead. Every night these humans go to concerts. Or restaurants. And it has always been thus. There is a feature called Throwback Thursday where humans share captured videos of themselves in the past – at concerts and restaurants. Interestingly, they always joke about their hair and appearance in those vintage images but they look just as foolish or worse today. Only their teeth is now whiter and the females seem to have larger breasts.

To sum up: We find earth a most inviting planet. We would like to remain here, even land and go on vacations and participate in pornography ourselves. Currency appears mandatory to survive on earth, and of course we have none. But we have come up with a solution. We have started something called a Kickstarter campaign. So far, in three days we’ve raised fifty-thousand dollars, all from Fox News faithful who would like us to take control of their government.

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