What's the latest on all those TV pilots?

Things are starting to fall into place for the networks' fall schedules. Many of the pilots that they were so high on two weeks ago are dead. Sure things like BEVERLY HILLS COP didn’t make it on the CBS schedule. Other front runners are wondering what happened.

The networks went back to New York last week to cobble together their schedules. As a prominent agent once said, “Everything turns to shit over Mississippi.”

It’s why you can’t get too excited when the network is thrilled that you had a good table reading, or you hear it’s some executive’s pet project. And even if your pilot turns out great and tests well, there’s still no guarantee it will get on the air. Or if it does, not be relocated to next April. If a network is enamored by a star they’ll often pick up a show even though they know it still isn’t perfect. That’s the case with SUPER FUN NIGHT. But ABC so wants to be in business with star Rebel Wilson that they’re willing to pick it up and retool. The odd man out might be you.

FOX gave a series commitment to DADS, a multi-camera Seth MacFarlane vehicle – a commitment – and that one still needs plenty of work.

Now this isn’t to say that these two are unique cases – each year plenty of new shows get revamped,  recast, etc. between the time they’re picked up and aired – and it’s not to say that the revamping doesn’t sometimes result in successful series. HAWAII FIVE-O was tinkered with endlessly and did alright. Come to think of it they’re still tinkering (as well they should).   Parker Posey and Alex Kapp Horner were just replaced on their picked-up pilots.  (Talk about we have good news and bad news...)

The bottom line on why shows get picked up – need, scheduling requirements (e.g. we need another multi-camera sitcom to go with our Tim Allen existing multi-camera sitcom), commitments to producers and studios, and first and foremost – does the network own the show? If there’s one slot open on NBC and you have a show at Warner Brothers that’s going up against a show owned by NBC/Universal, who do you think has the edge?

And before you get outraged, just know this is business and this is the way it has always been done. Producers know it, writers know it, actors know it.  Sometime you get jobbed but sometime you are the happy beneficiary. You just gotta play the game. And it is a game.

Who were the winners this year? Bill Lawrence certainly. He got a bunch of new shows on the air. Chuck Lorre picked up his fourth series (but that pilot deserved to get picked up on merit alone). Star producers like Joss Whedon (of course), Mike Schur, Greg Garcia, David E. Kelley, and Jerry Bruckheimer had productive pilot seasons. Star stars did well as well. They usually do. Robin Williams, Anna Faris, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Allison Janney, Will Arnett (again???), Tony Shaloub, Dylan McDermott, and Marg Helgenberger all landed series on CBS. And as mentioned, ABC thinks Rebel Wilson is a big star. NBC thought Maya Rudolph was two years ago. NBC comedy star power includes vehicles by Michael J. Fox and Sean Hayes.

It's a big year for comedies.  20 new sitcoms have been ordered.   Of course, last year 16 were ordered and only two survived (NEIGHBORS and THE MINDY PROJECT -- would those have been the two you guessed last September?).

Which brings us to the casualties – those current shows that were axed last week. Since I’m generally focused on comedies – NBC cancelled everything other than PARKS AND RECREATION (yay) and somewhat surprisingly, COMMUNITY (there’s a rumor that they might ask series creator, Dan Harmon back, but that’s ONLY a rumor -- repeat:  ONLY a rumor). But WHITNEY (thank God), GO ON, THE NEW NORMAL, 1600 PENN – gone. (What a difference a year makes. Last year the two stars of THE BOOK OF MORMON – Andrew Rannells and Josh Gad – both got series on NBC. This year, they’re both out.) SMASH was also put out of its (and our) misery.

But the message is clear. NBC was a disaster last year. It’s hard to build an audience with so many new shows but what choice did they have? Last year they had star vehicles (like Matthew Perry in GO ON), the Olympics to promote their schedule, THE VOICE, and SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL. And still they finished the year in shambles. I read their pilots and the one that was my favorite is still in contention. It’s called ASSISTANCE by playwright, Leslye Headland, and it stars the wonderful Krysten Ritter. By the time you read this it could be on the schedule or dead or both.

CBS cancelled RULES OF ENGAGEMENT (the show that everyone thought had been cancelled three years ago), but as of this writing picked up three new comedies. So it sounds like they will add another hour of sitcoms. Of all the networks CBS is always the most secretive.

ABC dumped MALIBU COUNTRY, HOW TO LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS, FAMILY TOOLS, and HAPPY ENDINGS but picked up several new series. Steady performers, THE MIDDLE and SUBURGATORY will be back.

HAPPY ENDINGS is shopping elsewhere and may wind up on USA. It fared the best when following MODERN FAMILY and MF begins its syndication run on USA in the fall so the thinking is HE might be a good complement. Stay tuned. This is a whole new opportunity for cancelled series and failed pilots that never existed until a few years ago. Shows like COUGAR TOWN and SOUTHLAND (although it was just cancelled) have gotten a second life on cable channels. Studios are currently scrambling to see if they can do just that.

This is the time when things change and update almost by the minute. Networks are putting their final schedules together, deciding which of the shows they’ve picked up will be for the fall, mid-season, and how many will be ordered.

Let the games continue!

UPDATE!

I had to share this. A sideline reporter for the L.A.Kings interviewing Matthew Perry yesterday. Check out what he says about GO ON. You won't believe it I promise you. Thanks to my son, Matt for finding this.

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Vacation tips: Where to find writers

I read articles all the time about where tourists visiting Los Angeles can see stars. There are also maps to the stars homes (although Jack Benny and Lucille Ball have moved to more permanent residences. ). But what about all those millions of visitors who come to Tinsel Town just to catch a glimpse at writers? There’s yet to be an article about that….

Until now.

So for those of you scribe groupies hoping to see an actual TV or screenwriter this summer vacation, here are some places to go:

NATE N’ AL’S – This perennial Beverly Hills delicatessen is officially Broadway Danny Rose west. Here is where old comedy writers go to die of heart failure. Usually in tables of five or more, piled high with pastrami sandwiches (“I’m hungry now that I’ve quit smoking!”) the old sitcom guard holds court, trading stories of the good old days when Elizabeth Montgomery was a doll to work with but that Cosby kid was a handful. (“Two comedy albums and suddenly he knows funny!”) Morning meetings between writers and agents, managers, or producers start about 9. The ones that are over by 10 are working writers, the ones that go on til 11 are not.

THE AMC THEATRES, CENTURY CITY – weekday matinees only. Usually in pairs. Listen for the keywords: “Who greenlit this shit?”

THE FARMERS’ MARKET FOOD COURT – weekday mornings, early. They have coffee, read the trades, bitch about their fantasy baseball teams, and get the hell out before all the tour busses arrive.  The smart ones are by Bob's Donuts.  Worth the trip just for one of those sinkers. 

Every STARBUCKS and COFFEE BEAN on Ventura Blvd between Vineland and White Oak. The scribes are easy to spot, sitting in front of computers, nursing one $3.00 ice blended for eight hours.

ART’S DELICATESSEN – Studio City. The San Fernando Valley equivalent of Nate N’ Al’s. Close to CBS Radford with oversized artery clogging triple deck sandwiches that include pastrami AND chopped liver. The one-time popular haunt of all the MTM writers so it’s kind of a shrine.

CEDARS SINAI HOSPITAL – West Hollywood. Home for all reunions of GRACE UNDER FIRE, CYBILL, and ROSEANNE writers.

THE SMOKE HOUSE – Burbank. Across the street from Warner Brothers studio. The bar area. Leave it to writers to think a good place to pick up chicks is at an old style red booth restaurant that’s been around since John Barrymore used to pass out there. Historic note: Captain & Tennille were discovered playing the Smoke House lounge – thus adding even more to the hip factor.  Toni is now 71 (but looks great). 

RESIDUALS – A bar in the valley that used to let writers pay for drinks with residual checks that were under a dollar. They eventually had to discontinue that practice because they were getting too many. I myself have received a check from THE SIMPSONS for one cent. And I’m sure it cost $5.00 to process and mail the check.   Just last week I got a check from THE JEFFERSONS for sixty cents -- probably my royalty from 100,000 DVD's sold. 

THE BRENTWOOD COUNTRY MART – Westside smaller version of the Farmers’ Market Food Court. Writers and news anchors hang out here. You’ll have no trouble telling which is which.

THE OAKWOOD GARDEN APARTMENTS -- Burbank. See recently divorced writers.

Any coffee shop above Hollywood on Franklin – Lots of guys trying to write the next PULP FICTION. Or MINDY PROJECT.

Happy hunting. One rule though: no handing out spec scripts! Let me repeat that:

NO HANDING OUT SCRIPTS!

Either working writers will be pissed or non-working writers will give you theirs.

And again, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.

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Happy Mothers Day

This is my favorite mother joke. Actually it's a mother-in-law joke and it comes from the very politically incorrect but screamingly funny AMOS & ANDY SHOW. I believe this was written by Mosher & Connelly (who went on to create LEAVE IT TO BEAVER and THE MUNSTERS).

The Kingfish sets up a blind date for "Mama". Hoping the poor guy would like her and take her off of his hands he arranges for Mama to go to the beauty parlor. He's talking to the hair stylist, describing Mama. He says (and I'm paraphrasing), "Picture a grapefruit that's been out at sea. And it washes ashore, all covered with seaweed and crabs. Now it sits in the sun for a couple of weeks and gets all wrinkly and rotted and bugs are now flying around it. Can you picture that?" The hairstylist says "Uh huh." And the Kingfish says, "Good. If you can make her look that good I'd be satisfied!"

TOMORROW: I update the network pilots and cancelled shows.   Happy Mother's Day.

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Recommendations

As longtime readers of this blog can imagine, I am sooooo broken up over the cancellation of WHITNEY that it's hard to write a new post today.  What is NBC thinking?  (Note for new readers:  I'm joking. I can't believe WHITNEY lasted two years.   A full updates on pilots arrives Monday.) 

So instead I will offer  some recommendations. I have not been paid or compensated in any way for these.  I offer them because I genuinely think you'll enjoy them and I'm in mourning.  You'll notice I'm not plugging my own books although that's, y'know, IMPLIED!

Miriam Trogden is a hilarious comedy writer.  She just returned from Paris and was interviewed by a fashion blog (of all things).  Her answers are priceless.  You can read it here.

Phoef Sutton has written a terrific novel called 15 MINUTES TO LIVE.  Fun twists and turns, and one of the weirdest romances you'll ever fine.  Treat yourself.

Baseball fans -- and especially Dodger fans -- Josh Suchon has written the definitive account of the charmed 1988 Kirk Gibson season.  You may think you know all that happened but you don't.  It's a great inside look at the game of baseball and the oddballs who play it.  WARNING:  Not for Oakland A's fans.  You can find it here.

I'm often asked who my comic influences were, and since I'm a radio geek, a big influence was Bob & Ray.  They were a comedy team that consistently performed the most inspired, silly but smart material.   Always funny, always dry, and as you will hear from this example -- absolute MASTERS of comic timing. 

Bob's son, by the way, is Chris Elliott.  Anyway, there's a new book out about them by David Pollock.  It's a nice chronicle of radio, the early days of television, and there's also some great stuff about MAD magazine in there.   And along the way, lots and lots of laughs, and comic pointers.  It's available in paperback here. 

For good beach reading there's Janet Evanovich & Lee Goldberg's THE HEIST.  Available here. 

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What does THE BATES MOTEL have in common with MUPPET BABIES?

Tomorrow night I plan to be in Santa Barbara where CHEERS creators Glen & Les Charles and James Burrows will speak at UCSB. Should be fun.  I've always wanted to meet them.  Meanwhile, keep those Friday Questions coming. Here are this week’s:

Ron P. starts us off:

There's obviously been a lot of spinoffs... some successful... others not so much. But has there even been a prequel ?

Okay, readers, help me out here. Yes, first of all, although some of these might be prequels to movies, not other series. Still, off the top of my head there’s MUPPET BABIES, SMALLVILLE, FLINTSTONE KIDS, THE CARRIE DIARIES, BATES MOTEL, and HANNIBAL.

I’m sure there are more. Suggestions?

From Steve B.:

Ken, it seems that TV writing used to be more of a freelancer business, with less writers on staff and more freelance scripts handed out. If this is true, which do you think was the better system, both for the writers and for the shows?

Well, it’s certainly better for the writers to be on staff. More security and you’re getting paid by the episode in addition to any script assignments you get.

But it’s more advantageous for the showrunner to be able to give a writer a script first to see if he has a good feel for the show. That way he can staff his show only with writers he knows can contribute. The only downside is that a writer he may be considering gets a firm offer of staff work at another show and he loses him. And when you’re in the middle of staffing season (which we currently are) it’s like an insane game of musical chairs. So showrunners often don’t have the luxury of being able to audition potential staff members. Still, if I could, that’s a risk I’d be willing to take.

Best of luck to everybody either trying to staff or get on staff.

YEKIMI has a question related to my recent post on the “Boys in the Bar” episode of CHEERS.

Say you have the script for the two guys (extras, or for that matter anybody who may have a part, speaking or not, that interacts with the main cast) that kiss Norm....are they there for the table read, or does someone sit in for them and they're cast later?

In a case like this we would give the actors a few lines during the body of the show so they don’t come out of leftfield. But chances are they’d be hired for three of the five days so no, they wouldn’t be at the table read.

In each episode you look at the guest cast and decide how many days you’ll need each person. And crew people generally fill in for them in runthroughs if they’re not on set for the first day or two.  For table readings, writers usually get to pinch-hit.  I can say I've done scenes with Ted Danson, Kelsey Grammer, and David Hyde Pierce.   And I was so awesome the parts weren't cut as a result of my reading!

therapydoc is next:

Any idea if the MASH theme song was ever associated with a real suicide? It always creeped me out, the thought that people might sing it and then pop a cyanide.

In the movie there is a suicide sequence played for comic purposes. I suspect the lyrics were designed to complement that. But I can’t say for sure.

I can however, tell you this: Never ever were the lyrics sung on the television series. That was an iron-clad decree by series creators Gene Reynolds and Larry Gelbart. It’s a decision I happily stood by.

Please leave your questions in the comments section.  Thanks! 

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Taking a dip in the SHARK TANK

As opposed to the one I've been swimming in the last two days.

The only reality show I’m hooked on is SHARK TANK, Friday nights on ABC. No one sings, no one has to ride a bike through Siberia, Salsa dance, prepare a 5-star meal on a George Foreman grill, share a house with Melissa Rivers, not shower for a month, or whore themselves for a date. No one’s self worth is determined by Sharon, Mariah Carey, or worse -- people we've never heard of.

Folks pitch new products they’ve created to a panel of millionaires and billionaires who invest their own money if they like the product. It’s that large exhibition hall in every state and county fair where hucksters try to sell you a dizzying array of magic car waxes, self-cleaning woks, vacuum cleaners that double as dehumidifiers, and nuclear-powered nose hair trimmers. Only, instead of Suzie Homemaker being the target customer, it’s the woman who started QVC.

You’d think it would be a snooze. Infomercials and boring business-related discussions on distribution, cost margins, profit projections, etc.  Ugghh!  And yet, for me, it’s appointment television.

Some of the amateur entrepreneurs come in with better mousetraps and you feel glad for them. One or more “sharks” (millionaires/billionaires) invest and with their infusion of cash and contacts you suspect the product will become a big hit.  It’s the American Dream, carefully staged.  And who doesn't love those little guy makes good stories?  (Especially this week.)

Then for amusement they have idiots pitching such must-have-items as electric zappers to shock squirrels who try to eat from a bird feeder and a full body spandex suit. And invariably, the nimrod who has the squirrel taser wants $200,000 for 5% of his company.

The sharks themselves are somewhat entertaining.

Every panel has to have a villain and in this case it’s Kevin O’Leary, a bald arrogant shyster who calls himself, Mr. Wonderful. He’s caustic at times, disruptive, but always amusing and often he parcels out excellent advice. Whenever he makes an offer though it’s always ludicrous. “I’ll give you $30,000 for 70% of your company and I want a dollar for every cookie you sell in perpetuity.” I’d say no one is that stupid but hey, Rupert Murdoch bought My Space for a billion-and-a-half, so from time to time a yokel takes Kevin up on his offer.

Robert Herjavec is the smooth, handsome, personable shark who never buys anything. Why he’s there I don’t know. He samples the cupcakes in a jar and frozen gumbo and loves everything and everyone then says the business model doesn’t work for him so he’s out. We’re going to find out that he isn’t as rich as he says he is when he also shows up as a contestant on CASH CAB.

Lori Grenier launched QVC and is the real deal. Happily, she doesn’t come off as a Prada-wearing devil. Whereas Mr. Wonderful is all bluster, Lori just whines. She’s Garry Marshall if he looked kinda like Streisand. But Lori is a sharp cookie who knows what she wants. Sometimes there’s a bidding war between the sharks and if I were the young capitalist I would probably go with Lori.

Sometimes Barbara Corcoran is on instead of Lori. She’s a real estate billionaire, a little older, essentially Jane Hathaway on the BEVERLY HILLBILLIES.

Daymon John is the cultured mogul with a diamond stud in his ear. He sits back and plays Yoda. But from time to time he will invest. And he’s another of the sharks I’d go with if there were options. You know with Mr. Wonderful that if he partnered with you you’d never get him on the phone. One of his flunkies might return your call in a year. But Daymon would probably call you back. So would Robert, but that might be to ask you for a loan. Again, why is he even there?

Finally, you have billionaire (Dallas) maverick, Mark Cuban. Charming, boyish, and whip smart. This is not “Arthur” after rehab. He asks great questions and will invest if he likes the package. When he passes it’s usually with a good explanation. Robert’s is always, “I just don’t see it” and Daymon rarely bothers at all. “I’m out” is all he offers. Lori will let the guy down easy, Barbara will blame Mr. Drysdale, and Kevin will just say the person should kill himself because he’s too stupid to live. If I were lucky enough that Mark wanted to go in with me, I would take him over all the others. Mark would take my phone call. Mark would send me a Mavericks jersey.

One feature of the show I love is the updates. Each week they follow-up on a former contestant. They’re always the success stories of course. But sometimes they feature contestants who the sharks didn’t back, and we see that they thrived anyway. Of course, getting exposure on a national television show (even on a Friday night) didn’t hurt.

Like I said, it’s the kind of show you think would get repetitious, and for the most part it does, but for some reason I love it. Week after week. And I probably will continue to love it as long as Zach Braff doesn’t show up pitching his freakin’ movie.

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My response to your Zach Braff comments

First off, wow! I’ve never gone really viral before. Yesterday I got 622,000 hits. I’m going to be real pissed if today it goes back down to 12.

Thanks to all of you who commented, even those who disagreed with me. Your arguments were thoughtful, well stated, and you made some great points. See Roseanne? People can take issue with me without calling me an asshat.

And you all are welcome to keep commenting.

But let me respond.

A lot of you contend that Zach Braff has actually brought increased visibility to Kickstarter, which is good for the site and good for the little guy seeking backing for his/her small film. If that is so, then great! My underlining concern is that the unknown filmmaker gets hosed. If in fact, he doesn’t, then I’m thrilled. Will this be the case? I don’t know. I think we’ll have to see in a couple of years. In the meantime, more actors and known quantities will jump on this gravy train. That’s a given. Will unknowns still reap the benefit when there are twenty former sitcom stars asking for your money?

Sidebar #1: Did you see where Melissa Joan Hart is trying to get a project funded on Kickstarter? And here’s her big incentive: She’ll follow you on Twitter for a year.  Oh, be still my heart! You and Melissa will be BFF’s! Every day she’ll go on Twitter to see how you’re coming on that dress you’re making for the prom. OR… she agrees to follow 20,000 people and never once looks at her Twitter page. Which do you think is more likely?

Others said my point that investors have a finite amount they will spend and will put their money into Zach’s project instead of others is a fallacy. It’s not a zero-sum proposition. Okay, you may be right. I have no hard evidence either way.

One reader, Andrew wrote: I'm not sure why you, a professional, published author, are writing a blog. Blogs are supposed to be for people who haven't made the connections to get published yet, or whose views are too outrageous or controversial. How dare you take up valuable cyberspace on Blagger that could be going to unknowns?   Uh, the difference is there's more than enough space for all blogs, and I'm not asking for money.  I provide the content of this blog for free. And occasionally you get your money's worth. 

Angry people asked what right I had to determine who should qualify for Kickstarter and who shouldn’t? I never said Zach Braff should be banned. I just said I didn’t support him.

If you choose to support Zach Braff, fine. Or VERONICA MARS (more on that later).

But know this about Zach Braff – he made $400,000 an episode the last year of SCRUBS. His estimated worth is $22 million.  He raised $2.4 million.  Couldn't he front that himself?  Especially since he'd get a lot or all of it back when he gets a distributor.  A Twitter follower, Julieta Colas tweeted: “I think Zach Braff, in particular, is at a point where he should be giving back to the community, rather than asking.” I’m just sayin’… (well, actually she’s just sayin’…).

In Zach’s promotional video (where he was able to get Jim Parson to join him – another advantage he has over the peons) he claims that there were investors willing to back his movie but they wanted some control. They wanted casting approval and final cut. It’s their money, you can’t really blame ‘em for that. And I appreciate his standing up for his vision. But you know what? If he gets his film made, exactly to his satisfaction – he’s still going to have to go to Hollywood for distribution. And it’s not impossible that a buyer might say “We’ll distribute it but we want you to cut this scene or take ten minutes out of the movie or change the music.  Now depending on whether he has other offers he might have a big decision to make at that point.  He still might end up editing his film to someone else’s specifications.

And if his movie does get distributed, some "evil" studio will share in the profits.  

Sidebar #2: When Billy Wilder was faced was this same “final cut” issue on the first movie he directed he shot only the angles he would use. There was no other way to cut the film. There were no alternative angles anywhere.  So there are ways…

And finally, a lot of you agreed with me about Zach Braff but not VERONICA MARS. You pointed out that creator Rob Thomas did try for years to get Warner Brothers to make it and they flatly refused. This was a viable alternative. There would be no VERONICA MARS movie had it not been for Kickstarter. Fair enough and I’m looking forward to seeing it. I also give Rob Thomas points for ingenuity. He was the first to use Kickstarter in this regard.

One great distinction a lot of you made is that for Rob Thomas and VERONICA MARS, this was an absolute last resort.  Zach Braff had backers but chose not to use them.  Kickstarter was a luxury for Braff, a necessity for Thomas. 

But keep this in mind re VERONICA: Warner Brothers had to approve Rob Thomas’ plan to take the project to Kickstarter. This means Warner Brothers does still own it (or part of it). If it’s a hit they still make a nice profit. Look at it from their perspective. They get a possible hit movie, they didn’t have to lay out a cent for production, and they don't have to share the profits with the investors.  They give them T-shirts and souvenirs and they're off the hook.  How sweet a deal is that? On a project they didn’t even believe in.  What a win/win.

I understand the passion of VERONICA MARS fans and wish there were enough ALMOST PERFECT fans so I could do the same thing. But again, I worry that studios now view this as a viable way to get movies made at no cost to them.  Warner Brothers is probably saying, "If only we knew about this before we greenlit JACK THE GIANT SLAYER."

And I’ll just leave you with this – I love Kickstarter because it offers an alternative to the studio system. Hollywood continues to consolidate. Conglomerates get bigger and bigger. And choices become fewer and fewer. The result is a new GI JOE every summer. Through websites like Kickstarter we have the chance to see different, more personal, less commercial fare. We also have the chance to see amateurish shit but that’s beside the point. I just want to make sure those young filmmakers have a shot. That’s all.

And I want my Twitter feed to be so dazzling that Melissa Joan Hart will follow me. 

UPDATE: I understand that Zach's fans have been asked to rally to his defense so I'm getting a lot of comments supporting him, which is fine.  Please continue (although I'm sure I'll now get a bunch saying that's not true -- whatever).  I just want everyone to know why the sentiment seems so skewed.  Okay.  Get back to bashing. 

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