I Love Alice

In the USC comedy class I’m teaching, the subject last week was early sitcoms from the ‘50s and ‘60s. Trying to be as thorough as I could I even mentioned I LOVE LUCY. But seriously, one of the points I made was that wives in ‘50s sitcoms were completely subservient to their husbands. This reflected American society at the time. Hubby went off to work and wifey stayed home, raised the kids, did the housework, and cooked the meals. And in most cases wearing dresses and pearls. June Cleaver always looked like she was on her way to a wedding as she stood over the kitchen sink making meat loaf. My mom never looked like that. No one’s mom ever looked like that.  How do you plunge a toilet in a chiffon dress?

Sitcom wives always bowed to their husbands. Even the titles of the shows reflected that. FATHER KNOWS BEST.

And generally the wives were not funny for a second. Jane Wyatt, Harriett Nelson, Barbara Billingsley got maybe three joke lines between them in 500 episodes. (Not that the husbands were much funnier.)

For a TV wife to be funny she had to be zany. Lucy was the best example. Then there was Joan Davis in I MARRIED JOAN, Cara Williams in PETE & GLADYS, and although her character wasn’t married – Gale Storm in MY LITTLE MARGIE. They excelled at getting into “jams,”  performing a lot of physical comedy, and only escaping serious repercussions when their stern but benevolent husbands let them off the hook.

In some cases, like with Lucy, the husband would occasionally put his wife over his knee and spank her.   Fellas, do not try this today.  

But there was one housewife who didn’t take any shit. Alice Kramden from THE HONEYMOONERS. I showed an episode to my students and they seemed to really enjoy it. (“Hey, it’s the FLINTSTONES!”) Jackie Gleason and Art Carney were brilliant as Ralph and Norton, but for my money the one element that made that show so special was Audrey Meadows as Alice.

What a revelation. A dead-pan wife who was clearly smarter than her husband, took no crap from him, and was incredibly funny without having to fall into a tar pit.

Ralph would rail and scream and even threaten to send her “to the moon,” but you knew it was just bluster and he was utterly harmless. He could raise a fist to her and she wouldn’t even blink. And at the end of the day, she ruled the roost.

When people talk about great TV comediennes, Audrey Meadows deserves to be right up there with Lucille Ball, Mary Tyler Moore, Jean Stapleton, Roseanne, and Shelley Long. Alice Kramden empowered women and was way ahead of her time. (So was Wilma Flintstone but face it, all men were cavemen back then.)

There have been a million family sitcoms, but for my money there is still no better TV wife than Audrey Meadow’ Alice Kramden. She’s so far above it’s like everyone else is here on the ground and Alice is…well, to the moon.

Here’s just an example.

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The Blacklist

Okay, I was one of those geeks who was totally intrigued by THE BLACKLIST. The premise sounded very cool – a chilling mastermind super villain is willing to help the FBI catch a list of the world’s worst evil doers in exchange for working with one specific hot FBI profiler. It’s SILENCE OF THE LAMBS meets MY NAME IS EARL. James Spader is always at his best when he plays weird characters and the girl, Megan Boone, is suitably TV attractive.

I watched the pilot and liked it. There were a few bumps like what was the point of that glass cell that rolled on tracks? It looked like they were holding Jimbo in a failed game show set. And she’s an expert FBI profiler but didn’t realize her husband is Jason Bourne but with even more aliases? (Or he’s just been framed, but still, how hard would it be for an expert FBI profiler to investigate his background?)

But the show was fun and I set a season pass. Week two was somewhat disappointing. First of all, Megan changed her hair and seemed to gain a few pounds since the pilot – which would be okay if the story didn’t pick up the next day.

As is so often the case, once you get past the cool premise pilot and have to sustain the contrivance things start to fall apart. Suddenly the jumps in logic start becoming jarring. The far fetched premise alone uses up their allotment of creative license. By week two I was already going “what the fuck?” That’s generally not a good sign.

James warns the FBI that a catastrophe is about to happen and he gives the location and time. Cut to FBI agents standing on train tracks saying “I don’t see anything wrong.” And then to their utter shock, a train derails.

And then there’s the big “secret.” Why did Spader pick Boone? She can’t figure it out. No one can. Uh, let’s see. They’ve established that her father was a criminal who disappeared. She doesn’t know who he is (again, good background checking). James Spader is a master criminal. And when she specifically asked why her he said it’s because of her father. Frustrated, she walked away.

Megs, am I the only one on the planet who thinks it might be because HE IS YOUR FATHER? Even Lois Lane would figure this out. And if it turns out he’s not your father, well… then the relationship won’t be as interesting. Plus, that would allow for a romance between them and I’m sorry, SILENCE OF THE LAMBS wasn’t that creepy.

By week three the show was seriously stupid. A ridiculous convoluted plot, and whenever there are action sequences the other FBI agents have to do all the running and fighting. Some shady guy who eats apples has now bugged Megan’s house. We’re supposed to wonder whether Spader is really just playing the FBI, but you KNOW he’s really a good guy because… well, it’s network television. No one trusts anybody. Everyone has secrets. And like ALIAS and COVERT AFFAIRS, the heroine leaves for work in the morning, catches a notorious bad guy, is almost killed, and is back home in time for dinner.  Sure the work is dangerous, but the hours are great! 

I may be bailing on THE BLACKLIST soon. I’m asking the question the network apparently didn’t ask when they first heard the pitch – “What happens week four?”

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Congrats to Annie & Jon

writers of this week's very funny INSTANT MOM.  Okay, so I'm one of those parents.  At least I'm not showing baby photos. 

Thanks to friend of the blog, Stu Shostak for the screen grab.

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Random shit to talk about

Because I can't think of one topic.

Tonight’s new episode of INSTANT MOM was written by Annie Levine & Jonathan Emerson. It’s on Nick at Nite at 8:30 and Nick Mom at 10. Watch it before and after HOMELAND.

Fox baseball coverage drives me batty. Stop showing close ups of distraught fans between every pitch. Let’s see the game. Let’s see the players. Not a bunch of Unabombers in team gear wringing their hands.

I love how networks are touting every rookie comedy as the season’s big new hit. Not one is performing really well. Last Thursday NBC’s primetime rating among 18-34’s tied its worst average EVER (and that includes the big new hits SEAN SAVES THE WORLD, THE MICHAEL J. FOX SHOW, and WELCOME TO THE FAMILY.) Matthew Perry must be screaming, “They cancelled me for that?!”

Meanwhile, Fox has already shut down production on their upcoming midseason new hit US & THEM after only six episodes.

Daughter Annie wondered why there were no superheroes in the second episode of AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. It was like watching the bureaucracy of S.H.I.E.L.D, she observed.

Actual HUFFPOST headline: Miley Won’t Take Advice From Some ’70-Year-Old Jewish Man.

HAWAII FIVE-O, mercifully banished to Friday nights is so desperate they’re pulling the following stunt: viewers can write the storyline of an episode. The public (see the mouth breathers Fox shows praying at baseball games) will vote on-line for six key story points. They can’t do any worse than the show’s writers.

Hey, NBC, if it works, how about letting the public make out your Thursday schedule next year?

Will I enjoy GRAVITY even if I can’t see 3D?

A number of you have asked when my new book is coming out (okay, that number is one). MUST KILL TV will be released next month.  E-book and paperback.  No audiobook.  No one bought my last one. 

Great day for sports fans.  NFL football and a Red Sox game where they're not playing the Yankees. 

Notable upsets this week: Michigan, Oklahoma, Georgia, and MACHETE KILLS.

McDonalds is putting 20,000,000 books in Happy Meals next month. Collect the whole set, kids! Mayor McCheese explains the Federal Shutdown. To Catch a Hamburglar. Hold the Onion Fields: The Officer Big Mac Story. 

This is the kind of crap I tweet on Twitter if you'd like to follow me.  I'm only 1.5 million behind Tia Mowry 

I watch MASTERS OF SEX for all the wrong reasons. And if the pace doesn’t pick up, I’ll be fast-forwarding to all the wrong reasons.

Now that IRONSIDES is tanking, I’m having second thoughts about pitching my gritty reboot of LANCELOT LINK: SECRET CHIMP.

Alec Baldwin’s new late night show on MSNBC shows off his serious side. Yeah, but so what?  Unless he's funny who wants to watch?

And finally, the only way to watch Dodger baseball.  With Vin Scully.   Hurry.  Their season is rapidly ending. 

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How's your bird, Mrs. Robinson?

Here for the first time (as chosen by me) is the DEFINITIVE list of the top 10 all-time best Frank Sinatra songs. This was not easy to accomplish because between 1940-1964 Sinatra recorded every song ever written. But still I have narrowed them down and have selected the very best of the best. See if you don’t agree.

1. ONE FOR MY BABY – the greatest torch song EVER, sung with such underplayed emotion it rips your heart out every time.

2. BIM BAM BABY -- Sinatra’s gift was his interpretation of lyrics. He was never more masterful than singing “Hey now, take a mip mack mop, and a brim bram broom/And klim klam clean up the rim ram room/ Cause your bim bam baby`s coming home tonight.”

3. I’VE GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN – Backed by a swinging Nelson Riddle arrangement, this record is 50s perfection.

4. MAMA WILL BARK – Another masterpiece of lyric interpretation. “Ow, you out there/This is for keeping me awake every night, hah/ Well, take that! Yelp! And take that. Yelp. And take that. Yelp. Yelp, yelp, yelp, yelp, yelp, yelp. Hot dog, woof.”

5. MRS. ROBINSON – Frank bails out that hack lyricist Paul Simon by improving several of the stanzas. “Jilly loves you more than you will know” and my favorite addition: “How’s your bird, Mrs. Robinson?” Oh, and I'm reminded by a reader: "And you'll get yours Mrs. Robinson / Foolin' with that young stuff like you do / Woo woo woo..."

6. BANG BANG – Sinatra covers that big Cher anti-war Russian folk song by turning it into a haunting ballad. Someone should digitally merge both versions. Now THAT’S a duet!

7. THE KIDS ARE TWISTING – It's the record that started an entire dance craze.

8. L.A. IS MY LADY – Unlike those pale tributes to New York and Chicago this is the one Frank is famous for. There’s little wonder they play it at Dodger Stadium. What is curious is that they only play it when they lose.

9. SATISFY ME ONE MORE TIME – No one can sing a love song like Frank. Gals, how can you hear these words and not swoon? “Let’s smother each other in a good old stranglehold.” Or.. “Compromise me, vandalize me, have a ball”.

10. I LOVE PARIS (LIVE VERSION) – Not many people can improve on Cole Porter lyrics but then most people aren’t Sinatra. “Holy Christ, how I love Paris”.

Did I miss anything? I don't think so.

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The Vin Scully factor

With the Dodgers in the National League Championship Series it means that baseball fans are in for a treat.  The legendary Vin Scully will be calling the games on radio only during the first three innings and the last three innings.  Thanks to MLB At Bat 2013 and Sirius/XM, anyone can hear the local Dodger radio broadcast.  Vin has hinted that next season may be his last year.  So if you're a Dodger fan or not, treasure these remaining chances to hear an absolute master at his craft. 

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Will the real Ken Levine please stand up

Taking a moment during pitching changes of the playoffs to answer some Friday Questions. What’s yours?

Hamid gets us started:

Do you ever get games developer Ken Levine's fan mail - or residuals - by mistake?

You mean the successful Ken Levine? I haven’t received any of his residuals. Don’t know if he’s received any of mine. When we finally meet he may owe me eleven cents.

I get occasional comments meant for Ken and on Twitter I get fans thanking me for inventing Bioshock.  (You're all welcome, by the way.)

When I did that rant on Kickstarter that went viral, he had to put out a statement saying he had nothing against Zach Braff and it was the other Ken Levine.

At one time, a gaming convention was trying to put together a panel where he and I would both share the stage. The timing didn’t work out but I’d still love to do that someday.

Hey, if I’m going to be confused with anyone, who better than a genius in his field?


Mark P. asks:

Ken, I've been enjoying the Frasier episodes being run on the Hallmark Channel. I noticed they cut the audio for naughty words like "ass". If you were running a sitcom on a network today and expected it to go to syndication, would you shoot separate "clean" scenes, or just leave it up to the syndicatee to edit it however they wished?

I would not make alternate versions. It’s expensive, time consuming, and the parameters of what is deemed acceptable seems to change with every passing episode of TWO AND A HALF MEN.

I’m not even sure movies shoot alternative versions anymore. They used to do that when their only television exposure was on commercial networks. But now, very few people watch films for the first time on broadcast networks.

Of course some series lend themselves to syndication better than others. Have you seen THE SOPRANOS in syndication? The only thing untouched is the establishing shots.

Interestingly, back when sound was first introduced in the ‘20s (note: before my time), studios would require the actors to make several versions of the same scene – in different languages. They would have to phonetically recite dialogue. You think someone would have invented “dubbing.”

Brian wonders:

How do actors cry? Can some just summon tears on demand? Is some kind of irritant placed in the eyes?

As a director, I’ve found that cattle prods are the most effective. Seriously, some actors just have that gift. Many will try to dredge up something very sad from their past and tap into that emotion.

Claire Danes is an amazing crier. The expressions on her face and the level of crying always signals so much more than just sadness. There can be confusion, betrayal, exhaustion, exasperation – generally four of five different emotions all played seamlessly at once. I have no idea how she does it.

Harder even then crying on cue is crying on cue when you’re also supposed trying to get a laugh. This is an amazing skill – to laugh convincingly and still deliver a comic performance. The three best I’ve ever worked with are Kirstie Alley, Mary Tyler Moore, and Nancy Travis.

There was a great early episode of THE DICK VAN DYKE where Laura dyes part of her hair blonde. When Rob came home and sees it, Laura breaks down crying while trying to explain why she did it. It was a bravura monologue, and series creator Carl Reiner said when he saw her do that he knew he had someone special.

Carol wants to know:

Do you, as a comedy writer, think there's room for variety show format in today's television landscape? I'm talking the old-fashioned, Carol Burnett type show. Because if anyone can pull off a variety show successfully, I think NPH could. I'd watch it, anyway.

I suppose you could label a show like SNL a version of a variety show. Comedy sketches interspersed with musical guests. But in general, audiences don’t want variety today. They want their specific niche.

It used to be there were programs like THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW that featured comics, singers, dance acts, acrobats, scenes from Broadway musicals, ventriloquists, and rock stars. To see the Beatles or Rolling Stones we kids would have to suffer through plate spinners, tap dancing dogs, and funnyman Charlie Callas. Who has the patience for that anymore? Especially when we can go to YouTube and program our own variety show.

I’m glad I didn’t get my start in the business as a variety show writer. Or writer of westerns.

And finally, Dana Gabbard with a question my post from last week on trolls.

What is the chief reason for removing comments: bad language, rudeness/disrespect, incoherent or out of context, robo-ads, or is there just a "it is my blog and I don't have to put up with that appearing on it" factor sometimes in play? Do you ever have a "really?" reaction to what folks post.

All of the above. I try to be lenient with allowing comments but as time goes by (eight years next month) my patience with trolls diminishes.

That said, I’m fairly lucky compared to some other sites. I have on occasion allowed the Huffington Post to reprint some of my blog posts. And the comments and trolls who patrol that website are positively staggering. How do some of these people even brush their teeth (those that have teeth)? The large majority of my commenters are thoughtful, funny, and best of all – respectful. But I’ll be cracking down more on those who aren’t.   You know me -- badass blogger. 

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