Fox is looking for new drama writers

They've teamed up with the Blacklist to find new writers for their drama shows.  You submit material, it gets evaluated, and the best of the best gets forwarded to the network for possible assignments or staff work.   The competition closes May 1st.

I have nothing to do with this.  But I know I have a lot of readers who want to break into the business so when I see an opportunity I like to pass it along.

Here's where you go for information and submissions.  

Good luck.  Someone has to break in.  Why not you?  

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It's COMEDY people!

Last Sunday’s entry was a re-post. At the time I originally posted it I also was contributing pieces to the HuffingtonPost. (I stopped when they sold the site for $340 million and still refused to pay writers.) But I posted my porn article there as well.

The article is clearly a satire. Maintaining that it is more degrading to ask porn stars to get laughs than perform all forms of depravity seemed like a funny twist. It also seemed so utterly absurd that it would be easily recognized as satire. I mean, who with a straight face maintains it’s okay for a woman to have sex with an animal but not be asked to deliver jokes? At the very least I thought some people might not find it that funny. But at least they’d know that I was spoofing.

Uh… wrong.

The HuffPost piece resulted in a flood of comments from people defending the practices of the porn industry. Here were some of the comments:

They're not asking the porn stars to do "degrading acts" with five guys, they're paying them to do so.

Without condemning the individuals taking part in scenes of this sort, I'd love for someone to explain to me why trying to inject humor into porn is more objectionable.

So what you are saying is that Beastiality and Bondage scenes are okay but not cleaner porn that mimics popular sitcoms? Ummmm, okay. Whatever turn you on.

What is the point of this article?

Well Ken, if no one bought it, they couldn’t sell it. Apparently, some people find it inoffensive and they are buying it in sufficient quantity to make it profitable.

Unless these newbies are being held against their will or some such thing, they have made a choice to do this.

"Don't let this situation get so out of hand that Congress has to step in..." There are those who would try to do the same thing to you, for what you write.

Prude.

Sadly, with very few exceptions, people don't give a damn about exploited or even enslaved women and children. They care more about the power kick they get from watching the weakest of us hurt and degraded.

Usually, I don’t comment but in this case I felt compelled to respond. Here’s what I wrote:

I find it astounding and hilarious that so many of these commenters took my article seriously. I guess I give people too much credit for being able to spot obvious satire. Maybe I should add a warning. "Not for the literal minded with no sense of humor!" Really. People took this seriously? That's the biggest laugh of all.

Now you’d think that would end it. Uh… wrong again. More comments followed.

If people were truly concerned about the exploitation of women, they should focus on the jobs in mainstream society.

It is quite unreasonable to support a system that makes women into second class citizens and then claim that all pornography is exploitation.

I've noticed that people who say porn is not degrading, tend to be horrified at the thought of their own daughter/mother/sister doing it...."Great!...but not in MY back yard!" If you're fine with your own kid doing it, great!

Well welcome to America, the land of the free, if these pornstars want to express themselves in more creative work, and there is a market for that genre, then i say Go Forward!...afterall they are all over the age of consent and are not breaking any laws, so my motto is...live and let live!

First of all, why is having sex with five guys 'degrading'? Sounds very self-righteous to me.

These are funnier than anything I could write. And horrifying. In fairness, most of my blog readers totally got it.  (Some of your suggested TV porn titles were hilarious!)

But this is a constant reminder to funny people that no matter what you write or say, there will be those who don’t get it. There are those who take everything literally. No matter how absurd.

Another example: A few years ago I was broadcasting a Seattle Mariners game from Detroit. The longtime voice of the M’s, Dave Niehaus, had recently passed away and I commented that the Mariner players all wore patches on their sleeves that saluted Dave. I then said, the Tigers are also paying tribute, which is really remarkable considering Dave Niehaus never broadcast in Michigan. I told the listeners that if they ever see a Tiger home game they’ll notice a big ornate “D” on the front of their uniforms. That’s for Dave.

That night on Mariner blogs angry fans were posting, “Ken Levine is an idiot. That D stands for Detroit.”

Yeah… I’m the idiot.

The point is, always remember when doing satire or putting someone on that there will always always always be people who won’t get it. They don’t know that THE DAILY SHOW and THE COLBERT REPORT are comedies. Someone once said to me that they didn’t like Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog because he was rude to the people he was interviewing. Phil Hendrie has been putting people on on his radio show for over ten years. Every “guest” on his show is really him doing a voice arguing a ridiculous incendiary position. Irate listeners continue to call and argue with his “guests.” Ten years he’s been doing this. You’d think in ten years people would get it. But nope.

So this is another reason I no longer contribute to the HuffingtonPost. Call me crazy, but I still believe it’s possible to write satiric pieces without having to end every sentence with a ☺. And for the record, I don’t care that they’re being paid, porn actresses should not be forced to get laughs.

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My thoughts on Letterman's retirement

Wow. It took Jimmy Fallon less than two months to topple David Letterman. Dave announced his retirement last week. He claimed it was because he was losing passion after doing over 5,000 shows. And I’m sure that was a factor (you could tell the last 2,000 of them). But getting handily thumped by upstart Fallon and the other Jimmy for that matter was, I’m betting, the more overriding reason.

I think you have to be of a certain age to really appreciate Letterman’s brilliance. For the last ten years he’s just been this cranky guy, quick with a one-liner, but primarily resting on his laurels. The Top Ten, Vegas lounge banter with Paul, monologue.

But in his early days, especially on his late night NBC show, Letterman’s show was a riot. Now, to be fair, a lot of the credit goes to head writer Merrill Markoe, but David Letterman was the perfect choice to pull it off. He set just the right tone of snark, intelligence, and absurdity. His show was filled with remote bits, running bits, recurring crazy characters, and general nuttiness. At times the humor was inspired. For my generation, Letterman was must-see (the way THE DAILY SHOW and COLBERT REPORT is today).

Then something happened along the way. He went from “you and me against them” to “me against all of you.” It’s almost as if he got tired of his act before we did. But a meanness crept in, and the bits and remotes were phased out. From time to time something could energize him and he was once again fantastic. Unfortunately, those instances became few and far between.

And now that he’s announced his retirement you’re not reading an outcry of people saying, “No! Don’t leave us! You still got ten good years left!” Just the thought that Vin Scully is going to retire from announcing Dodger games already has the city of Los Angeles in deep mourning. Letterman’s announcement was met with “thanks for a job well done.”

I’m sure Letterman would hope his legacy will be up there with Johnny Carson, but that’s not going to happen. One thing to keep in mind – ever since Dave went to CBS he’s lost. Jay Leno and NBC always beat him. For twenty years. Johnny Carson trounced all competition. Carson’s numbers were larger than all three late night talk shows combined. And Carson was better. His class, relatability, sense of humor, and interview skills were unmatched. Letterman may have been funnier, but Carson’s humanity trumped him.

Letterman will be remembered fondly, as he should, and who’s to say what he’ll do in the future? I don’t think he’ll just disappear from the airwaves like Carson. My hope is that he finds another project that reignites that fire and passion. Again, Letterman at his best is a comic force of nature.

Now comes the circus as to who will replace him. And the mayor of LA has already implored Les Moonves to relocate the show to Los Angeles. We have no NFL football team, but god forbid only six national talk shows originate from here instead of seven.

Personally, I only care about one thing. Whoever inherits that show, keep Darlene Love singing Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) every year. You can fuck with anything but that.

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The porn industry has gone too far!

I’m sure it comes as no surprise to anybody that the porn industry exploits its performers. Many impressionable young people with stars in their eyes arrive in LA every day and realize all too soon that this is a hard town, an unforgiving town. And for whatever reason wind up doing porn. Your heart goes out to them (more the girls but still).

There is a new trend in Adult Entertainment that I find disturbing. Companies are beginning to produce XXX parodies of popular sitcoms (like THE BRADY BUNCH, COSBY, and CHEERS). I have no problem with that. If you only knew some of the stuff we all pitched in the room that didn’t get in I guarantee it was rougher than those parodies.

But here’s my problem. It’s one thing to ask these porn “stars” to do degrading acts like have sex with animals or five guys or to be ravaged while shackled and chained. It’s quite another to ask them to be funny.

I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere. When a girl agrees to do oral that doesn’t mean bar schtick. When a guy says he’ll go down on you he doesn’t mean a pratfall. Allow these people some dignity.

You’re putting them in an impossible situation. Those comedy scenes will live on and haunt them the rest of their lives. How will they explain them to their kids?

So I implore the porn industry – don’t let this situation get so out of hand that Congress has to step in.

My other concern is that in short order these companies will run out of long running sitcoms to parody. And I for sure do not want to see the XXX version of THE GOLDEN GIRLS.

NOTE:  My post on Tuesday discusses the reaction to this post.  Please check back.  TOMORROW:  My thoughts on David Letterman's retirement.  

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One of my favorite network censor stories

Yeah, this one's a dandy. It occurred on MAUDE, a big hit show from the 70s. First, I refer you to my post on CBS Standards & Practices having a list of unacceptable words? They were even worse in the 70s.

MAUDE was a spinoff of ALL IN THE FAMILY and had that same biting edge to it. Censors were always having fits. Hey, they had an abortion episode on MAUDE. Meanwhile, Marcia Brady struggled with split ends.

On show nights MAUDE had two tapings. One at 5:30 and the other at 8:00. They then edited together the best performances. And in between the writers fixed jokes that clunked.

One week there was a joke the censor objected to. I don't know specifically what the joke was. The producers fought vehemently that the line was acceptable. Finally the censor offered a compromise.

They could do the joke during the 5:30 taping.

But if it got a laugh it had to come out.

What??!! How the hell do you even respond to that????

That’s the kind of thing we had to deal with. I think if that censor were assigned to TWO AND A HALF MEN his head would explode by week two.

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Friday Questions

Time for some Friday Questions (make sure they're in the form of a question). Do you have one? Please leave it in the comment section.  And away we go...

MikeN starts us off with a rather unusual one:

Martians have invaded the earth and will take over the planet unless you can beat them in Jeopardy. You have to pick one celebrity you've worked with to play for the fate of the planet. Who do you choose?

Alan Alda. And I hope one of the categories is science.  And that Paula Abdul is the other celebrity contestant.

Douglas Trapasso wonders:

How do you feel aesthetically about using profanity in a script? Do wish you had that option available when you wrote all those great network shows? Sometimes I wonder if it's a writer's crutch to substitute for experience or deep knowledge of the characters. Did Wolf of Wall Street really need 427 F-bombs to make its points?

A lot depends on the characters and situation. A gritty cop precinct would probably employ more profanity than a ballet studio. That said, I’ve always felt that too much profanity often undercuts its impact. THE WOLF OF WALL STREET could have cut 300 of those F-bombs. Of course they could have also cut 90 minutes from the whole fucking film.

There are times when I’ve felt handcuffed writing for a broadcast network. You know in real life the frat boys would say “shit” not “shoot.” But for the most part, especially in sitcoms, writing without profanity is very manageable.

And when writing for the stage or screen or cable where I have more freedom I generally resort to profanity very sparingly. If only I could in real life.

From Janice:

With regard to direction, why do so many TV shows prefer closeup shots of individual characters relating rather than a two-shot which would show more chemistry? For example, seeing Niles and Daphne together in a shot reveals so much more than say, an episode of FRIENDS where we flip back and forth between Monica and Chandler until we're dizzy.

That’s a stylistic choice. In general, you like to be close, especially in comedy. But you’re right, a good two-shot, or over-the-shoulder shot that favors the actor who’s talking but also features the other actor he’s talking to are viable options. I also like to have a variety of shots. But ultimately, it depends on the showrunner. Some like straight close-ups, others like variety.

But I agree with James Burrows who says that if the story really works you could just shoot the wide master and the show would play.

Brian Phillips asks:

While you were DJ'ing, did you find yourself listening to more or less music during your off-hours?

More. I was constantly switching back and forth between our station and the competition. And then I’d get home and want to hear any music that wasn’t on our station. Lots of Eric Clapton and Sinatra. Anything but the Osmonds. 

And finally, from Anthony:

I'm a junior in high school and my dream is to write sitcoms. I've written about ten scripts already in order to practice, learned (to the best of my ability) the format, and am planning on attending a college in the Los Angeles area in order to have more opportunities.

Outside of this, some insight and advice on what my following steps should be would be much appreciated. The whole process seems daunting, and I'm not sure if this is a reasonable goal to even have

Thank you.

Sounds like you’re way ahead of the game. Just keep at it, Anthony. Keep writing scripts.   There are no guarantees, but it sounds like you have way more desire than most people considering a career in comedy writing.

I would stay the course, and as for it being a reasonable goal – I think you have the luxury of time should you decide to pursue something else.

When you finally get to LA, look me up.

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Should writers write for free?

Don't kid yourself.  The real Golden Age of Television was the 1980’s – and by that I mean writers got rich. As an example: multi-camera sitcom staffs would routinely add a punch-up writer or two to come in once a week for rewrites. The best of those could command five figures for one night. A few worked more than one series at a time. Do the math. Ka-ching!

This was especially true on pilots. Writer/creators had no staffs to support them since it was just a one-shot. So money was allotted to bring in established hired guns. If my writing partner, David, and I didn’t have a pilot ourselves one season we would bounce from show to show raking in the dough. There was one year where we lost money by doing a pilot instead of helping out on everyone else’s. Life was good.

Then came the ‘90s and studios starting tightening belts. Punch-up people for pilots was a luxury they determined wasn’t necessary. But still the writer/creators needed help. So we all began to work on each other’s pilots as a favor. We received lovely gifts from the writer/creator and when we had our own pilots we were able to surround ourselves with an all-star team. Life was not as good but still pretty good.

We are currently in the middle of pilot season again. Established writers are still helping each other out reciprocally. But a new trend has been making its way into the scene. Writers looking for work are essentially auditioning and helping out pilots for free. They’re hoping to dazzle and maybe get on staff should the show get picked up.

I certainly understand the logic in that. And for young writers it’s a chance to be noticed. But at what point is the writer/creator and studio taking advantage? The creator gets paid a lot of money (and is maybe on a seven-figure overall deal with a studio) to write the pilot and now young writers who have trouble making their monthly rent are contributing and making nothing. Exposure aside, this doesn’t seem fair to me.

And in most cases it’s unproductive. I’ve been in pilot rewrites where there are no less than twenty people. Way too many. And usually it’s only four or five who really contribute… and those are usually the seasoned pros. It’s hard for young writers to just come in cold and make an impression.

Personally, I would rather have a small room of people I trust. Three to five max. The best pilots are the ones with a clear voice. That voice gets muddled when twenty people, all with different sensibilities and levels of experience, are lobbing in jokes and suggestions.

Good luck to everyone currently filming pilots. Every showrunner has his own style and preferred method of working. Whether you use three additional writers or twenty-three, veteran or newbie, people you know well or have never met, I would just suggest you give nice gifts to all. It’s the right thing to do. (Paying is really the right thing but those days are sadly gone.)

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