I cannot vouch for the content of this post

I have no idea what to write about today. So I'm going to try something. I’m always asked how you solve writer’s block (like I’m an expert). One thing I suggest is to just start writing. Anything. Sometimes just jotting down stray thoughts can unlock your imagination. And if you’re writing a script just start a scene. Just let the characters talk to each other.

That said, I’m going to follow my own advice. This is an experiment, but I promise three things. I will write this quickly. I will not censor myself even if the thoughts are fragmented or don’t segue properly, and I will post it (even if it ultimately turns out to be total crap). The thing about experiments is that they could fail. COP ROCK and MICROSOFT BOB leap to mind.

Make that four things – I will not go back and edit. In other words, I will allow myself to be a lazy horseshit writer. Rewriting really makes a difference – as this post will probably prove.

On the other hand, there are writers like Larry Gelbart who can compose a script straight through, without corrections. I don’t know how they do it. I’m as mystified by that as I am people who can break the Enigma Code or build a dresser from Ikea.

Gelbart used to write his scripts in longhand on legal pads with black Sharpies. And the pages would all be clean. And legible. When I used to write longhand it would be on UCLA binders and I would have 24 hours to transcribe it or it would be lost. My handwriting is so bad and I had so many cross-outs and arrows and lines squeezed into the margins that if I didn’t type it within a day I had no idea what I wrote. Of course now I understand they don’t even teach cursive in school. Somehow I can’t picture the US Constitution hand printed. That is if Founding Fathers even bothered to spell out entire words. “provide 4 the common defense.” “U need to be 30 2B a senator.”

Listening to RichBroRadio.com. They’re playing “Say a Little Prayer” by Aretha. Great Bacharach-David song. I love Burt Bacharach’s music, but some of Hal David’s lyrics – I dunno. From “A House is Not a Home” comes the brilliant lyric “A chair is still a chair/ even when there’s no one sitting there.” What the fuck? “Chair” seems to be a key word in stupid lyrics. What’s that Neil Diamond song? “I Am/I Said.” I think there’s a line in there something like: “And no one heard at all/not even the chair.” Deep.

Does Neil Diamond still wear pirate shirts when he performs? That’s just not a good look for middle-aged Jews.

See the HBO documentary on Scientology. It’s frightening and if you didn’t think Tom Cruise was an idiot and a tool this will convince you. What I didn’t know was the hot Persian girl from last season’s HOMELAND was a Scientologist and assigned/ordered to be Cruise’s girlfriend.  Like he can't get laid on his own?  He needs a religious leader to pimp for him?  Tom and the exotic hottie got into a fight and he banished her. Maybe the problem was she’s a better actor than he is. Paul Haggis (writer/director of CRASH) was also featured. Remember he and I got into a friendly debate during the last WGA strike? He too is a FORMER Scientologist. Once upon a time a scathing expose like this would topple the institution in question. But today? Does anything really outrage us anymore to take action? Oh, right. Brian Williams was suspended. CITIZEN FOUR is another terrifying documentary that won’t correct any unconscionable injustice but did win an Academy Award.

Uh oh. I’m getting political. Whenever I do I can expect a rash of angry commenters. And speaking of commenters -- yes, Anonymous, we get it – you don’t like readers. Move on. See, this is why I like to edit. I say “commenters” twice in two sentences. Normally I would go back and change one of them.

What photo should I post? Lots of possibilities but since there’s nothing specific I’m going to go with Natalie Wood. Does everyone have that one actor or actress they never got over? That’s probably normal and healthy (unless it’s Tom Cruise – seriously, he’s a fucking imbecile).

Okay, I’m wrapping it up. I don’t know how interesting the actual writing was. And I’m not going back – so excuse me if there are typos or words missing – but if I didn’t just post this I could probably get a few days worth of topics from this exercise. Stupid lyrics, the value of rewriting, penmanship, the Scientology movie – maybe a parody where the Pope has to talk a nun into sleeping with Mel Gibson. None of those ideas were in my head a half hour ago. The point is – ideas lead to other ideas; even if some are bad. But a blank page or blank screen leads to nothing. Start typing.

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SHOCKING NEWS: Some celebrities still water their lawn!

Half the fun of living in LA is how fucking crazy it is (the other half is the weather). In a country where everything has became franchised and standardized, there are precious few unique population centers. My town is one.

We have billboards for TV shows hoping to win Emmys. And billboards for actresses with giant breasts hoping to get noticed. We offer tours to celebrity graves. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills do not stand out. Neither do Maseratis in the drive-through lane at McDonalds. Doctors offer vaginal tightening procedures -- and in some parts of LA that's not considered elective surgery.

So the free time we have not shoveling snow can be used to appreciate just how goofy this locale is.

One need only to watch the local news in Los Angeles. And the genius of it is that it's presented without even a shred of irony. How does a local news anchor say the following recent headline with a straight face?

Fight Over Chuck E. Cheese Parking Spot Leads To Murder

I mean, really?!

Last Sunday night I was watching THE GOOD WIFE and the CBS affiliate broke in with this news teaser:

If California Is In A Drought Why Are Some Celebrity Lawns So Green?

The report featured aerial shots of Kardashian homes and other major “celebrities.” And then, because they’re fair and balanced, they did report that Jennifer Aniston ripped out her vineyard.

This is a news story?

Another news tease promised a look at new wardrobe celebrities are using to hide from the paparazzi. Basically it’s rain gear with hoods.

Nothing’s going on in the Middle East? I don’t think ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT bothers with these stories.

And weather is another major topic. Whenever we get rain in Southern California, all local channels break into “Storm Watch 2015” complete with team coverage from the same street corner that gets flooded during morning mist, and huge animated Doppler maps.

It’s not unusual for a weather person (usually with breasts the size of the actress who has the billboards) to break into programming and breathlessly announce, “Rain is in the forecast. Details at 11.” This is on a Sunday night. You come to learn the rain is not expected until Friday. And then it’s only showers that are predicted. And only a 20% chance of even that.

The extensive coverage that Baltimore stations gave to the riots we give to afterparties.

I may not be informed, but I am amused.

But perhaps the greatest example of how this town takes itself waaaay too seriously is this. A blazing headline in one of the local trade papers on March 31,1981.

Academy Awards Postponed.

Underneath it, in much smaller print:

The President Shot.

Sing it with me now. Everybody. “I Love L.A.”

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Review: AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON

There was a story arc in a Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoon adventure where they encounter an island that hovers in the sky. This is explained by the ground infused with Upsidaisium, an anti-gravity metal. I’ve also just explained the basic plot for THE AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON.

And the similarities continue. One of the heroes of each can fly. In the cartoon you have Badenov. In the movie you have Romanoff. Both sets of heroes need assistance from an outside authority figure; be it Nick Fury or Captain “Wrong Way” Peachfuzz.

I won’t spoil the ending. You’ll have to see for yourself how Rocky saves the day. But the point is, we often watch dramatic works that remind of us past masters – Shakespeare, Chekhov, Dickens, Moose & Squirrel. THE AVENGERS: THE AGE OF ULTRON falls into that category.

On its own, written and directed by Joss Whedon, AVENGERS AND HIS FRIENDS is a rip-roaring film filled with dazzling special effects and our favorite characters from the Marvel Universe. In a nod to Mr. Peabody they even go to the Wayback Machine to fetch us Captain America. There are also the customary one liners although no one in the movie has the comic timing of Natasha Fatale (who does?). 

And here’s the best part of the new AVENGERS movie. You can play the reels in any random order and the movie will make just as much sense. Don't worry about arriving late, or ducking out for ten minutes in the middle to take a leak, or catching the second half first when it eventually comes to HBO.   The fight scenes will be just as thrilling. Cobie Smulders will be just as hot (and superfluous), and Samuel L. Jackson’s arrival with Capital One cards will be just as timely. 

AVENGERS is entertaining (not as entertaining as the first), but I would still have to give the Rocky cartoon the edge. They had all those great episode titles. To put AVENGERS over the top they needed a narrator to day, “Stay tuned for our next episode: “With Thor you get eggroll” or “A Hulk-a Hulk-a burning love.”

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My Mothers' Day story

How important are moms?   I might not have a career were it not for mine. 

David Isaacs and I were writing spec scripts at night, trying to break in, going nowhere.  We had written a spec pilot that was an amateurish mess that would have cost more to produce than AVATAR.  We then wrote a spec MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW and RHODA.  Our ersatz agent submitted both scripts and received two rejection letters (actually three -- the RHODA was submitted to two different producers on the show).   We were going nowhere fast.

And then one day my mom went to play a round of golf and got assigned to a foursome that included a gentleman named Gordon Mitchell.  She asked what he did, and when he said he was the Story Editor of a new show that just premiered called THE JEFFERSONS, she said, "Oh, my son is a great writer."  I'm sure he cringed, but he was a mensch and said he'd read something we'd written. 

So I got in touch, sent him our spec MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW.  He liked it, invited us in to pitch stories.   They bought one and that was the start of our career. 

But we never would have had an in to THE JEFFERSONS had it not been for Mom. 

So thanks, Mom.  For everything.   I miss you everyday.  Thanks also to Debby, the mother of my children.  And to all YOU mothers -- we salute you on this most deserved (although commercially manufactured) holiday.

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Happy Mothers' Day, Moms

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Sorry, I'm not THAT Ken Levine

Ken Levine but not me

This happened to me repeatedly at my ten-year high school reunion. Classmates throughout the night would approach and ask me, “Are you the guy on MASH?” When I’d say yes they’d shake their heads and say variations of, “Y’know, every week I see your name and think to myself, that can’t be you.” Thank you. Lovely.

But over the course of years I’ve encountered other Ken Levine’s. So to clarify, these are the Ken Levines I’m not.

The former newswriter for several local Los Angeles TV stations who CLAIMED he was me and on numerous occasions took credit for scripts I’ve written. Don’t think it didn’t get back to me, Ken!

The deadbeat who didn’t pay his Visa bill, which resulted in me getting about a hundred phone calls at all hours from the Bank of America. Who pays for hookers by credit card anyway?

The young newbie writer from Ohio who asked me what advice I could give him, since we had the same name. I suggested finding someone named David Isaacs and teaming up.

The far more successful video game developer who created BioShock. I wonder if the newswriter Ken Levine takes credit for that, too.

Another Ken Levine that's not me

The musician from South Africa who moved to the U.S. and has his own swing band that tours. I wish one of my classmates at the reunion had said, “Hey, did you become South African after graduation and make a bunch of records?”

The chef who recently posted a killer Matzah Brei recipe.

The one who imports custom golf gloves.

The CEO of NitroSecurity. Me and computers? I don’t even know how to change passwords.

The motorcycle rider/former teacher/now realtor in Baltimore. Hopefully he’s not still getting people telling him he was a lousy announcer for the Orioles.

The one on Facebook who will only divulge that his interest is women.

The one who is now a woman. “Do you Ken Levine take Ken Levine to be your lawfully wedded wife…?”

And finally,165 other U.S. citizens who share my name. So how do you know which one is really me? I’m the only one who will admit to writing AfterMASH.

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Friday Questions

Some Friday Questions to ease you into Mother’s Day Weekend.

James starts us off:

Do you feel like current shows are paying for the sins of the past generations? I see quite a few shows that, even if they're still raved about, are held up as cautionary tales of things not to do. Shows like Moonlighting (be wary of advancing will-they-won't-they relationships,) Twin Peaks (don't give too much away,) and Murphy Brown (don't be so topical the reruns fall flat,) among others. Do you feel like executives might pass on shows out of fear of repeating the past or are they willing to give them a chance?

Networks absolutely pass on shows based on failures of other shows. POLITICAL ANIMALS didn’t work on USA. So when we pitched them a political-themed show they said political shows don’t work on USA. Uh, maybe the problem was POLITICAL ANIMALS wasn’t very good. But WEST WING sure worked. So did HOUSE OF CARDS. And MADAME SECRETARY and VEEP are doing okay too. SCANDAL scrapes by as well.

What networks don’t seem to understand is that when shows fail, many times it’s not the arena, it’s the execution.

And likewise, when they try to slavishly copy success they miss that the hit shows have a certain vision, great casting, or arrived at just the right time. Just throwing six twenty-somethings together won’t give you FRIENDS (although they tried like fifty times).

Obviously, there are things to be learned from shows that either failed or fell out of favor. But each must be considered on an individual basis. In the case of CHEERS, we didn’t string out the Sam & Diane relationship past one season not because of MOONLIGHTING but because we felt these were two adults and if they keep circling each other endlessly it was going to start feeling like high school.

From ScottyB:

Friday Question for Ken, and perhaps even your writing partner, Mr. Isaacs:

Your kids are growing up to be script writers, in your footsteps (especially comedy). Was there anything you specifically did when they were small children or even growing-up teenagers to expose them to comedy records (as opposed to watching TV episodes of 'The Honeymooners' or 'I Love Lucy')?

Obviously, I can’t speak for David, but I really didn’t play a lot of comedy albums for my kids. Most of the comedy I exposed them to was either visual – great TV shows and movies, or written material – from stage plays, to scripts, to books, to comedic essays.

But what I impressed upon them was that the comedy of today is merely a variation or refinement of what went before. Louis C.K. is hilarious but didn’t invent comedy.

So I think my kids developed a great appreciation for early sitcoms (besides I LOVE LUCY), romantic comedies (even ones in black and white), and classic movies from filmmakers like Billy Wilder, Preston Sturgess, Woody Allen, Buster Keaton, and Mel Brooks.

Comedy was always a high priority in our family. There was frequently teasing and anyone in the family could be the target. It was very important that my kids learned if they’re going to dish it out they’ve got to be able to take it. But there was always a lot of laughter in the Levine home. Mostly at my expense.  But not so much from listening to Bob Newhart albums (although they are great). 

Keith, who was a disc jockey, has a disc jockey related question.

Did you have "toilet" records? For example, if I needed some time away from the board for business, my reliably long enough cuts were Cocaine (Clapton) and, of course, Alice's Restaurant. Yours?

MacArthur Park by Richard Harris. Hey Jude by the Beatles. And if you ever heard me play El Paso by Marty Robbins you could bet I was draining the radiator.

And finally from John Leader (who was a great disc jockey on KHJ in the ‘70s):

Having Netflix has introduced us to several British shows like "The Fall," "Happy Valley," "Luther," "Midsomer Murders," and others. The quality of these shows versus comparable American fare seems to be quite high. Is it because the BBC stuff is only producing 4-6 episodes a season? And, what about the remarkably long intervals between new seasons for these show...often longer than a year? How do they maintain the audience?

Most of these British shows are written by a single writer or very small staff. With few exceptions (Aaron Sorkin, David E. Kelley), it’s very difficult for a single writer to pen an entire season of a US show, especially if it’s for a broadcast network with an order of 22.

Shows in the UK have the luxury of short orders and the creators are given sufficient time to write those shows. And yes, they risk losing the audience’s interest if too much time goes by. But take for example SHERLOCK. Stephen Moffat must concoct these ingenious scripts, essentially movies, and write the teleplays. To bang out two or three of these in one year (while working on other things like DOCTOR WHO) is remarkable. That’s a lot of pressure. And the pressure is even worse because if you are asking your fans to wait a year or more for new episodes they damn well better be great. Fortunately, in SHERLOCK’S case they are.

And yet, for my money it’s an even greater more impressive feat that Robert & Michelle King produce 22 episodes of THE GOOD WIFE every year for five years. And the quality is as good or better than premium American dramas like MAD MEN or the UK gems you listed.

What’s your question?

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