These are the pilots they're making this year

In a mission far more dangerous than anything they’ve tried on COVERT AFFAIRS, THE AMERICANS, HOMELAND, 24, or CUPCAKE WARS, I managed to obtain the official list of this year’s pilot pick-ups. I was only able to read it once before having to eat it for security reasons. But I took notes – in Klingon of course, as a necessary precaution in case they fell into the wrong hands. One can’t be too careful when it comes to pilot loglines.

So at great personal risk to me, here is what the networks are generally developing for the 2013/14 season:

A hundred variations of a single-parent struggling to maintain their career while raising an insufferable sitcom-one-liner-joke-machine precocious kid.

Groups of thirtysomethings trying to navigate the dating scene. Barney Stinson meets FRIENDS.

Every other pilot is about parents moving in with their kids or kids moving back in with their parents. And the parents are always overbearing and outspoken.

Every workplace has an obnoxious mean boss.

Another big trend is loosely-based autobiographical accounts of dysfunctional families. Playing the diversity/alcoholic/mental illness card to delight and touch you.

And then there’s…

SEX IN THE CITY with divorced men, SEX IN THE CITY with older women.

Fathers and daughters working together. (JUST SHOOT ME but… well, it is JUST SHOOT ME.)

Adaptations of books, mostly dating books.

Loose cannon shithead must raise a precocious kid. ONE AND A HALF MEN.

So much depends on the execution and for all I know a few of these are great. America’s next classic sitcom could be buried in there somewhere. So I’m withholding any judgment…

BUT….

This is the actual logline from one of the ordered pilots:

A single-camera comedy that follows Kimmie and her two best friends, who make it a priority to eat pizza in their pajamas and watch a movie before their strict midnight bedtime every Friday.

I dunno. I somehow can’t imagine that premise supporting 100 episodes. But I could just be jealous because I didn’t think of it.

Now remember – none of this you heard from me… including best of luck to all of you who have pilots in contention!