I am a Tetris addict

Hello, my name is Ken and I’m a Tetris addict. I’ve tried to stop. Or at least take a break for meals, but the game has me too far in its clutches. I don’t know how many hours I’ve spent rotating the shapes as they fall so they align in a straight horizontal line and reward me with points.

To me, Tetris is the Soviet Union’s revenge for our winning the Cuban Missile Crisis and not allowing them to nuke us from 90 miles away.  Damn you, Russkies!

And now, I sit helpless at my computer, wasting valuable time I could be trying to dream up a storyline for the Lincoln Logs movie that is sure to be made. Time I could spend talking to my children or plugging my books (MUST KILL TV, still ridiculously low priced).

And it’s not just playing the game anymore. Oh no. It’s advancing to higher and higher levels, it’s trying to get the maximum number of points. It’s playing one game so long that my bladder bursts.

Oh, I’ve tried other games. I play Free Cell, but it’s… it’s not the same. Endorphins are not released when you win at Free Cell. Your hands don’t shake and you don’t risk a full grand mal seizure after a half hour of Free Cell. Free Cell is for pussies!

Newer games like Angry Birds have a “cute” factor that us hard core computer game players find distasteful. So you kill adorable birds? Who gives a fuck? But reaching level 71 without suffering a stroke, that my friend is an achievement. I see these people winning Olympic Gold Medals and think, anyone can ski. Try racking up points when you don’t get a skinny piece for five minutes, bitches.

There are no Help Lines, and what good what they do anyway? I’d talk on speaker phone and have my hands free for Tetris.

I need an intervention. I’m very close to getting a hand-held device for when I’m away from the computer. Thank God the GPS screen on my dashboard doesn’t have an app for this. I’m starting to dream Tetris. Erotic dreams where Sports Illustrated swimsuit models are naked and I’m beating them all in head-to-head competition. I can’t eat English Toffee without rearranging the candy pieces in the bag. I’m thinking of making the Tetris theme my ringtone.

I know that admitting I’m an addict is the first step. And with your support, hopefully I can get on the 12 Level Plan and break this vicious cycle. I’m bad and getting worse. It’s to the point that when I get the sudden urge to play, no matter what else I’m doing on the computer, I just have to stop and