The most ridiculous cop show currently on the air

If I were to write a spoof of a typical hour procedural I could not possibly come up with anything more absurd than TAXI BROOKLYN. This show has been airing on NBC on Wednesdays this summer although originally it was a French show. NBC has found a new way to not hire US writers – just buy shows from France and Sweden. I wouldn’t be surprised if next year they shoot AMERICA’S GOT TALENT in Belgium.

In France TAXI BROOKLYN’S premier drew 5.37 million viewers. In the U.S. it attracted 5.34 million. By comparison, the population of France is 65.7 million and in the United States 318.6 mil. And yet, more people still watched in France.

Out of curiosity I checked out an episode ON DEMAND. I sat with my jaw on the ground for an hour.

Here’s the premise: A hot-looking Brooklyn detective with a Peter Pan bob and the requisite TV grit loses her driving privileges somehow and enlists the help of an illegal alien cab driver to chauffer her around while she solves crimes. She wouldn’t just be paired with another cop who would drive? No, a better option, and one apparently sanctioned by the NYPD, is to have their officers protect the city in taxis. What police detective needs a ride to a homicide? Of course the driver becomes her de facto partner. Peter Pan and Latka fight crime.

How do you pitch that with a straight face?

Beyond that, this show has every possible procedural cliché. Seriously. They don’t miss a one. She comes from a family of cops. Her father was mysteriously murdered and she’s trying to crack the case. Her superiors are hiding something from her. Her ex is an FBI agent who may or may not be in bed with the bad guys. She dresses real butch but off duty is “all girl.” She is highly respected by the other stereotype detectives in the squad room. Of course none of them respect her enough to give her a lift once in awhile.

If there’s ever a taxi strike Brooklyn would be overrun by mobsters.

Cat (that’s her name – Cat) was also in some accident it seems. But in some scenes she’s on crutches and others she walks just fine but with a cane.

Again I ask, is that the best New York’s Finest can do? A cripple in a cab? Oh, and there’s no disability coverage for cops?

The episode I saw was one cliché after another. The mother of a foster home is murdered. Oh, those poor kids. Who would murder such a saint? SPOILER ALERT: did you say one of the kids? Did you say the least likely one? You of course would be right.

One of the kids is a smart-ass. He escapes the police station. How? A window in the bathroom of course. The captain yells at Cat to find him, as if this was all her fault. So they go searching, which allows for the obligatory “character banter” between Cat and cabbie. I forgot what it was about (while watching it). They find the kid (big surprise) on a road in New Jersey. The kid pleads for Cat to let him visit his dear sweet aunt. Cat says to him, “Don’t move” and she goes off with Latka to consider his request. This after five hours of searching for him. Does the kid stay still? What do you think? Oh no. He steals the cab. She’s not only hobbled, she’s also addled.

DRIVING MISS DITZY.

The kid eventually confesses that the foster mother was really Cruella DeVille to the utter shock of Cat (although viewers figured that out before the opening credits). Why couldn’t the kid confess this originally? It would have saved a lot of wear and tear on the cab.

I don’t know the fate of TAXI BROOKLYN. It’s NBC so if it does better than SEAN SAVES THE WORLD it might get renewed. But if it’s cancelled I’m getting on a plane and flying to Norway so I could pitch NBC my can’t-miss police drama – A hot no nonsense cop teams with a Gray Line sightseeing tour bus driver,

“Hey folks, we’re going to see the Statue of Liberty but first we have to go on this high-speed chase through Canarsie.”

I wonder if Chloe Sevigny would be willing to cut her hair.