What it's like to win an Emmy

Emmy fever is still upon us.  It will last another hour or so.  But I thought I'd take advantage of that to tell you what it's like to actually win an Emmy.  And it puts winning in perspective.

You're in the audience suffering through the show. Finally it's your category. You wake up. The envelope is ripped open, your name is read, you can’t believe it, and you race up to the stage. You stand at the podium.

What’s going through your mind at a monumental moment like this? For me, honestly, I thought of all the assholes I went through basic training with in the army who thought I was such a fuck up. I was hoping they were watching and having heart attacks from shock. I was also aware that everyone in the audience was glaring at me. I saw the red light of the camera, knew that yes, this was my one big moment on national television. But I also knew that if I didn’t get the hell off quick – I mean REAL quick -- millions of people I didn’t know were going to hate my guts.

So I rushed through my prepared speech, thanked my wife, son, and I think Drill Sgt. Miller then was led off.

Backstage, you take photos with your presenters. In our case, Arthur & Kathryn Murray. Who knew they were even still alive? Then we were led from one interview room to the next. National TV, national radio, local press, national press, foreign press, magazines, food product surveys, I dunno. Light bulbs flashing. Questions coming from all sides. Microphones shoved in my face. And after a few minutes we’re ushered into the next room because the next winners are breathing down our necks. We were in a daze. We just went where they told us. Finally we were told to go through “that door”. We did. It closed and locked behind us.

And we found ourselves outside. In the alley. Next to the garbage dump, surrounded by buzzing flies. In our tuxedos, holding our shiny new Emmys. What the fuck?! We banged on the door to get back in. Nothing. We walked along the side of the building, trying other doors. All closed. I thought of maybe using the Emmy to jimmy one of the locks. No dice. It took us fifteen minutes to finally get back into the hall.

Which more than matched the fifteen minutes of fame.

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SITCOM ROOM registration is now open

Ever wonder what it's like to be a comedy writer on a sitcom?   Being surrounded by really funny people in a work environment where laughter is not just encouraged but required?    Is this something you've always wanted to do?  Or just something you'd like to experience one time?  Then I invite you to join THE SITCOM ROOM -- a weekend hands-on seminar where you don't just sit and listen to boring lectures for two days, you WRITE.   You're put in a writing room where you will fix a script and see Hollywood actors perform your material.   It's kind of like one of those baseball fantasy camps except you don't blow out your hamstring.

I'm holding one of these SITCOM ROOM seminars on November 10th & 11th in Los Angeles.  And registration is now open.

Some things you should know:

I only do these once a year at the most.  Sometimes I do them once every two years.

I only take twenty students.

And I opened registration on Sunday for those on my mailing list and within 48 hours I filled half of the slots.  There are now only 10 openings.  So if you're interested, please take advantage now.  When we're sold out, that's it.  I keep it small so that every student gets ample attention and opportunity.   


Here's where you go for more information.

And here's where you go to register.

The price is $1500.  

Hopefully, I'll see you in November.  Trust me, you'll learn more and laugh more in two days than a year's worth of most college writing programs. 

Still not convinced?   Here is a testimonial by Gina Gold, a former SITCOM ROOM student now on the writing staff of NURSE JACKIE.

Ken Levine has written the television shows that made me want to be a TV writer. M*A*S*H, Cheers, Frasier, The Simpsons, and Everybody Loves Raymond are just some of the series he helped turn into mega-hits. When I was new to L.A., I worked as an assistant and was fortunate enough to meet Ken and his partner David Isaacs at my job. During this time, I remember watching one of their Frasier episodes and being so blown away that I steeled my nerves, picked up the phone, and called them to say how much I loved their work. I felt like a bumbling fan, but I was so excited that I could actually tell them how I felt about their writing. They were gracious and appreciative.

Over the years, I have crossed paths with Ken many times, but when I heard he was teaching his SITCOM ROOM, I leaped over chairs at the chance to learn from someone I consider one of Hollywood’s greatest comedy writers. Ken’s class offered me a rare glimpse into his creative process, as well as invaluable guidance on how to tackle a scene. Most important, he made us create. On the spot. Under pressure. With a team of strangers. Just like the pros do it. He threw us into a room with an assignment then dropped in with notes and other challenges that meant writing, rewriting, and more rewriting. It was fun, frustrating, exhilarating, and infuriating -- just like a real TV job. In the end, we saw our work performed by a group of talented actors, and got to find out whether our material landed or not – the ultimate test.

Thanks, Gina. 

A new Emmy-related post follows later today.

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My 2012 Emmy Review

Once again the TV industry took a night off to ignore its hemorrhaging ratings, 90% failure rate, and NBC to pat itself on the back for another great year and a job well done. It’s the annual Emmy Awards, a chance to honor the shows America should be watching instead of the ones they are.

This is also the week for the High Holidays. For you non-Jewish readers who wonder what it’s like to sit in temple for essentially 24-hours, it’s like sitting through this year’s Emmys except you can’t have a seat-filler. Host Jimmy Kimmel (who I normally love) was a major disappointment and I daresay that 1951 Emmy host, Chief Justice Earl Warren was funnier. (Yes, Earl Warren actually did host the Emmys. First choice Howdy Doody thought it was beneath him.) So this review might be a little extra snarky because I had high hopes. My bad.

The real guffaws came before the ceremony. You can always count on the KTLA Channel 5 “Live From the Red Carpet” show to be an utter train wreck, and this year was no exception. Hosted by Sam Rubin (who IS Howdy Doody) and Jessica Holmes (former host of SLIME TIME LIVE), I think they outdid themselves this year in obsequiousness and banality.

It was a hot day so Jessica’s question to every actress was “how much are you sweating?” Sam asked 12 year-old Kiernan Shipka why MAD MEN worked.

Sam called Nolan Gould Nathan Gould and John Slattery Mark Slattery.

My daughter, Annie noted that Sam’s “Word of the Day” calendar was not paying off. Always one for extreme hyperbole (look that one up too, Sam), he said BREAKING BAD “is the penultimate best show ever!” Penultimate means “second to last in a series or sequence.” So, as Annie’s writing partner Jon pointed out: what Sam really said was “on the list of great shows, BREAKING BAD is second to last.”

Sam also used “prognostication” or “prognosticator” three times. And said that Aaron Paul “is the most handsome man alive.”

Sam, you are the penultimate red carpet host.

Now for the show. I was thrilled that HOMELAND won. It’s hard to believe you could do a better job of depicting the CIA and the war on terrorism than COVERT AFFAIRS but somehow, miraculously, HOMELAND does it.

How’d you like to be at the MAD MEN after party? Not that you’d ever be invited.

I was also pleased that MODERN FAMILY took home the Best Comedy prize. Despite being up for four awards for GIRLS, Lena Dunham was shut out. I guess anal sex is funny enough for nomination not winning.

For movies & mini-series, as long as HEMINGWAY & GELLHORN lost I was happy.  To call it the penultimate TV movie of all-time would be giving it too much credit.

GAME CHANGE (produced by Tom Hanks) won in that category so Hollywood finally voted for Sarah Palin. If Democrats won’t go to Clint Eastwood movies now, good luck getting Republicans to pay to see the next Tom Hanks flick.

I knew we were in for a rough night when the show started with that lame bathroom sketch. The only funny moment was when the five reality hosts popped up. So what does it say when Heidi Klum gets the biggest laugh of the bit?

The opening monologue was weak. We were promised edgy and daring. We got Mitt Romney jokes. Come on, Jimmy.  You're better than Carson Daly. 

Color was a big theme this year. Not diversity (networks are still living off casting Bill Cosby in I SPY in 1965) but gowns in bright dayglo shades only seen on muscle cars. Yellow was the color of winners. Julie Bowen, Julianne Moore, Claire Danes. It was like the Georgia Tech homecoming queen and her court.

The most gorgeous women of the night: Kerry Washington, Sofia Vergara (imagine the Little Mermaid but unintelligible), Tina Fey (who was also the funniest presenter), Amy Poehler, Lucy Liu, Padma Lakshmi, Maria Menounos, and the knockout of knockouts was Morena Baccarin. The only thing holding up the bodice of that revealing gown was her nipples.

Amy Poehler always has the funniest acceptance speech, even when she doesn’t win.

Fortunately, the Emmycast won’t be on Fox next year. We’ll be spared Seth MacFarlane hosting. He’s become absolutely insufferable. Draw your cartoons. Stop trying to be Danny Kaye!

The Mini-Series category is a joke. If a drama series gets cancelled after six episodes it suddenly qualifies as a Mini-Series. Such was the case with MISSING. Or if you change your cast like AMERICAN HORROR STORY. If wholesale cast changes were enough, LAW & ORDER would have won for best Mini-Series twelve years in a row.

Kevin Costner won for playing a cowboy, which is what he should be playing. His days of portraying a baseball player are over unless they do a screen version of CHEERS and hire him as the Coach.

What were those fins on the back of Kathy Griffin’s dress? She looked like a stegosaurus five minutes before extinction.

On a night that claims to celebrate excellence in television, they showed a promo for the new show THE NEIGHBORS about a family moving into a housing community inhabited entirely by space creatures.

Christine Baranski, in a gold plated gown, looked like C-3PO caught cross-dressing.

What do you do when you feel you need to honor somebody you don’t really like or understand but you don’t want to appear out-of-touch? You give him writing Emmys. Congratulations to Louis C.K. When it came time to give out the “real” Emmy – y’know, for acting – that they awarded to Jon Cryer.

But let’s face it, if the academy had their way they’d just give half the Emmys each year to Jon Stewart and the other half to Julia Louis-Drefus.

What was with Ashley Judd’s hair? She looked like Johnny Bravo.

Meanwhile, Bill Maher has now lost 24 straight times. New rule: don’t bother!  Especially when you consider the voters are Democrats.  Really, Bill.  Save a stamp.  

A lot of the winners (like directors Steve Levitan and Tim VanPatton) were written off by the TV critics handicapping the races. Shows you what those “prognosticators” know.

Many will think Jimmy Kimmel’s Living In Memoriam bit was funny, but I thought it was disrespectful. The real In Memoriam was beautifully done and very emotional, especially for me when they showed Harry Morgan.

I was ecstatic that Claire Danes won. What an extraordinary talent. She’s Meryl Streep without the phony accents.

Also kudos to Julie Bowen. She sold herself short in her acceptance speech. She’s a gifted actress equally adept at verbal and physical comedy. Sofia Vergara might also be good at delivering lines but how would anybody know?

The MODERN FAMILY video was very funny. And I’m sure it scores points with voters. Next year Lena Dunham should consider dropping her drawers, bending over, and doing one for GIRLS.

The highlight of the night was Jon Stewart going up the aisle to accept his award and having Jimmy Fallon and the other nominees grab him and hold him back. Seeing Stewart crawling up the aisle was a riot.

The heralded “prank” (like Tracy Morgan) just laid there. Not particularly funny with zero payoff. Viewers were asked to call people who weren’t watching (in other words: you) and say, “Tracy Morgan just collapsed on the Emmys! Turn on ABC.” Besides being lame, how many non-viewers heard that news and went, “Good”?

Winner Jessica Lange was Norma Desmond in orange.

Tom Berenger and Tom Bergeron both won. I wonder how many academy members voted for them because they thought they were the same person and marveled at his versatility? Same with Damian Lewis and Louis C.K.

They ran a banner that said, “4 minutes to Ricky Gervais” as if that was a big incentive for viewers to stay tuned. Do they not know that to most Americans, that’s like saying, “4 minutes to Swine Flu”, or “4 minutes to Chris Brown”? People hate Ricky Gervais.

Congratulations to the “most handsome man alive” for winning his second statuette in two years. Aaron Paul was in a pilot of ours once and we had to fight Fox to get him approved. They felt he was very “ordinary.” I believe their choice was Joe Millionaire.

All in all, I thought the show was flat. Nothing memorable. Nothing surprising. I’m sure if the show’s producers are reading this they’re saying, “Oh yeah, Levine? Well, you’re such a genius. What would you do?” Well, for starters, I would have Tracy Morgan collapse on stage for real.

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Here's my book trailer

Attention authors: You need book trailers these days. It used to be you needed book stores but there are very few of those around anymore. So with the help of my good friend, Howard Hoffman I made one for my new book, THE ME GENERATION... BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE '60s). I've seen other book trailers and wow! They're slick with great production values and probably cost thousands to produce. Mine cost maybe thirty dollars. But as you will see, every dollar is right up there on the screen. 

Lemme know what you think.

I guess the exercise here is to use these social medias to get the word out. The theory being that once someone sees my trailer they will immediately go to my website and buy copies of my book. So if you like the low budget-independent trailer, would you please share it with all your Facebook, Twitter, and whatever-other-network-you're-on friends? Would you click "like"? I don't know why other than to make me feel good, but apparently that's a big deal. And of course, you could buy the book yourself.  Thanks much and enjoy!



A couple of quick things:

I will be reviewing the Emnmys tomorrow. I watch so you don't have to.

And an announcement on the Sitcom Room is coming this week.

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The CHEERS intelligence graph

Compliments of Neatogama.com.

As someone who wrote these characters for nine years, this would be my order:

Lilith
Frasier
Diane

(now comes a big drop)

Sam
Rebecca
Carla
Norm
Cliff

Coach
Woody
 
Sam was dumbed down over the years but at least during the first few seasons he was very smart and savvy.  So if you average his IQ over the seasons he still comes out way ahead, certainly better than Cliff.

I can't believe they put Cliff anywhere near the top.

Why Coach over Woody?   They were both pretty addled.  But you figure that before he was hit in the head by too many fastballs, the Coach was probably smarter.  Although, now that I think about it, how intelligent do you have to be to just get out of the way?  

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My most asked questions

But always worth answering. Happy Friday Question Day.

kermit is the latest to ask them:

If I'm a writer who's written for broadcast and print but has no background in show business, and I've written an original script(not a spec)that I think is pretty good...where do I go from here? Is there someone who can look it over and tell me if it's good, or not, or where it might need a nip and tuck? Would an agent ever read anything cold-mailed to him/her, or would the agent send it back unopened?

I would enroll in a writing class at a local university. Most have nighttime extension programs. Between the instructor and your classmates, you will get feedback. Here’s what I wouldn’t do: There are “writers” out there who advertise their consulting services. You pay them a thousand dollars; they read and critique your script. There may be exceptions, but those are a rip-off. You’re paying big money with no idea if the reader is any good. At least a college course is reasonable, the instructor is somewhat credible, and you’ll be introduced to other hopefuls like yourself and can create a network and support system.

You can enter your script in screenplay contests.  If well-received, that will give a leg up when trying to land representation.  

Never send an agent anything that isn’t your very best work. You get one shot at making an impression. You’re not looking at an agent to critique your script; you’re looking at him to represent you. You need to impress him.  Best of luck.

unkystan asks:

When there is a spin-off of a continuing series, is the spin-off cast contractually obligated to do it? I read somewhere that Norman Fell and Audra Lindley were very upset when "The Ropers" was quickly cancelled and they couldn't go back to "Three's Company". Same with Polly Holliday ("Flo"). What if they refuse to do it?

When characters are spun-off into their own series they strike new deals, usually for a lot more money. Sometimes there might be a clause allowing them to either guest on their original series or return to it if the spin-off tanks.

But often times once you leave the nest you’re out. The original series moves on and your character might no longer fit in. That’s the risk you take.

My favorite spin-off story is from SANFORD & SON. It became THE SANFORD ARMS. Neither Redd Fox or Demond Wilson were in it. As someone said, “NBC just renewed the set.”

Brian has a MASH question:

Ken- The show jumps around in time quite a bit. There were episodes where Eisenhower was president and then a few years later Truman is president. There are other examples too. When you and David were working on the show, was there any direction as far as a timeline?

The big cheat on that show was that it lasted 3 1/2 times longer the Korean War. During our years we tread that lightly. After we had left they did an episode that took place over an entire year. It was a clever idea and good episode, but to me it just pointed out the enormous conceit we were asking the public to buy. Not to mention how it screwed with the show’s timeline. Since the episode focused on 1951 that meant that the whole Trapper, Henry Blake, Radar, Frank Burns era (8 or 9 seasons of the show) all took place during a roughly one year period.

But let's face it, by that point in the series run MASH was bulletproof. They could have done a show where the Starship Enterprise landed on the chopper pad and they’d get away with it.  And if the show had gone another two years I bet that idea might have started looking pretty good.  

And finally, from Mike:

I just saw a commercial for a film that gave away one of the funnier bits in the film. Did you ever have a promo for one of your shows that gave away too much and ruined the joke or the show for the viewer?

That was a constant battle with network promo people. My big concern wasn’t spoiling jokes. It was giving away key plot twists.

Now then, movie trailers. I never care if they use the best jokes. For whatever reason, when audiences eventually watch the movie and those jokes arrive they still laugh, sometimes harder. I don’t really know why. I guess that’s my Friday Question.

You can leave yours in the comments sections. Muchas thanks.

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Who makes the best pizza?

If there was ever a question that has no answer that’s the one. Other than agreeing that it’s not Dominos there is absolutely no consensus. Even if we have a pizza we consider our favorite we’re always open to suggestions for one that’s better.

I’m particularly particular. My all-time favorite pizza no longer exists. There was a restaurant in Westwood called La Barbera’s. Hard to describe but their pizza was super molto bene – a thick and unique blend of cheese, dynamite sauce, and a crust that was thin but almost spongy. I’ve never tasted anything like it. La Barbera’s went to that big pie in the sky years ago and I’ve been trying to find a comparable pizza since. I figured, one or two of the chefs had to still have the recipe. I once heard that a parlor near the airport served La Barbera’s pizza. I drove down there like a madman. Nope. Wasn’t the same. And now I was stuck down at the airport. Various forums also recommended Little Toni’s in the Valley. I’ve had Peking Duck that was closer.

My second favorite pizza also is no longer. When I was stationed at Ft. Benjamin Harrison in Indianapolis during my advanced training, there were two very industrious college dudes off base who started a pizza delivery service. One guy made the pizzas and the other delivered them to the various barracks. Now it could be that my taste buds were dulled by army chow, but those pizzas were surprisingly awesome.

Today more than ever there is such a huge variety. In LA it seems a new gimmicky pizza place opens every ten minutes. One we have in Westwood (near me) is called 800 DEGREES. You order your pizza the way you order a Subway sandwich. You move down the line while guys load up your pie with the toppings and features you desire. Then it’s placed in an 800 degree oven and flash baked. The result is a decent pizza. But there are lines around the block. I don’t get it.  Meanwhile, Mafia Pizza down the block is always empty.  Hard to believe with that inviting name. 

In LA we have numerous chains. CALIFORNIA PIZZA COMPANY is your standard reliable option, but they now clearly emphasize other entrees besides pizza because pineapple toppings are no longer the rage. B.J.’s is another. But are you really going to find superb pizza in the same restaurant that serves Thai salmon and baby back ribs?  NUMERO UNO is the deep dish equivalent. But for me they're numero venti. 

Another hot chain is Pitfire. And then there’s Wildflour – for the organic pizza aficionado.  Hey, you get hungry hugging trees all day. 

We also have Tombstone Pizza, but my daughter, Annie's rule applies here.  She eats no food where the consequences are in the title. 

We also have schticky pizzas in Los Angeles, like Lucifer’s, described as
“thin-crust gourmet pizzas and a rockin' gothic sensibility.”  Yeah,  I can just picture them all sitting around the Castle of Otranto on a dark stormy night waiting for the pizza to be delivered.

Maybe the most controversial pizza in Southern California is Barone’s. Very thin-crust and rectangle. Some people love it, others think it’s like eating cardboard – and not even good cardboard.

Pizza-by-the-slice also is somewhat lost on me. I know New Yorkers swear by Ray’s (or Original Ray’s, or Ray’s Original, or Rey’s, or Rey’s Original), but to me it’s just re-heated.  That's breakfast pizza.

Deep dish Chicago style is great but super-filling. And takes forever to make.

Every town has its own standouts. You just gotta know who they are. When I broadcast minor league baseball in Syracuse I discovered Arturo’s Decent Italian Food. Their pizza was way better than decent. You’re welcome to chime in with your favorite from wherever you are. I do vaguely recall that the pizza in Firenze was pretty good. Not an authentically Italian perhaps as Matteo’s in Maui but still worth sampling.

And finally, if you’re like me, just reading this – I bet you're hungry for a pizza like right NOW.

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