If I wrote DOWNTON ABBEY

DOWNTON ABBEY had become a sleeper hit. Who knew this Edwardian ITV costume drama would attract such a following across the pond? Season 3 began here in the states last night. From what I understand the UK has already seen it. So that no spoilers alerts are necessary, and for those who have never seen the show, I’d like to do a scene that I would have liked to have seen in season one.

If you watch Downton Abbey you can just skim the next paragraph.  

To get you up to speed: Early 20th Century. Downton Abbey is Hearst’s Castle but in England owned by this one family. The series focuses on the five family members and eight or nine of their thirty servants. The family is concerned because a distant cousin (Matthew) is due to inherit the whole schemer (it’s a long story why). The family looks down on Matthew. He’s not an aristocrat. He actually works for a living. He’s a lawyer. To them that's like Joe the Plumber inheriting the Trump Tower. But Matthew proposes to the oldest daughter (Mary). The family stands to keep the estate if this marriage takes place. But due to complications not worth spelling out, Mary is hesitant. She asks for the summer to think about it. And when Matthew finally confronts her in the fall she is still on the fence. That’s where my scene would begin.  (By the way, I've become quite fond of Mary.)

EXT. GARDEN -- DAY

MATTHEW: So Lady Mary, the absolute love of my life, the angel that makes life itself worth living -- have you made your decision? Will you make me the happiest man on earth?

MARY: I’m afraid I have not. Not yet. If you would be so good as to grant me another month, I will surely tell you then.

MATTHEW: Another month? You had the entire summer, my precious.

MARY: Yes, but I was pre-occupied with so many activities.

MATTHEW: What activities?

MARY: Dear sir, are you questioning my integrity?

MATTHEW: No. Seriously. I want to know what you do all day. You don’t work. You don’t cook. All of your meals are prepared. Have you ever once made a bed? You don’t even dress yourself. What do you do?

MARY: Well… I ride.

MATTHEW: You ride. Once every few months for three or four hours you ride. The one activity the entire family participates in is killing innocent animals. Bully! What about the rest of the time?

MARY: I sit on benches in the garden a lot.

MATTHEW: Wow! I hope you take the weekends off.

MARY: Are you mocking me, good sir?

MATTHEW: Do you have a friend? Do you ever sneak off and sit with her on her bench?

MARY: I don’t need friends. I have two sisters. Oh wait. That’s something else I do. I scheme against them. Yes, that takes up time. And for your information, the servants are my friends.

MATTHEW: They’re paid to be your friends.

MARY: Some are nice to me on their days off.

MATTHEW: Can you even name the servants?

MARY: I can name about eight of them. The others don’t speak – they’re more in the background -- so I don’t know. The cook is… Mrs. somebody. Begins with a P.

MATTHEW: Yes, and about that – don’t you ever get tired of big fancy meals? Aren’t there nights when you want to say, can we just order a pizza? Or here’s a crazy thought – Sloppy Joes?

MARY: What pray tell is a Sloppy Joe?

MATTHEW: And why aren’t all of you girls 300 pounds? I’ve never seen you exercise.

MARY: We have servants who exercise for us.

MATTHEW: What if you don’t like stuffed pheasant and that’s what they’re serving? Are you allowed to ask for a tongue sandwich?

MARY: Of course. What’s tongue?  Where do you eat?

MATTHEW: Do the servants always have to preside over every meal? Can the cook ever say, “Hey, we got a smorgy tonight! Grab a plate and help yourselves!

MARY: What’s a smorgy? Matthew, you’re beginning to scare me.

MATTHEW: Speaking of the servants, I’ve seen their quarters. They’re tiny and two to a room. This house is bigger than Luxemburg. There must be a hundred rooms. You can’t toss six or seven guest rooms their way? There are five people who live in this fortress. Unless you’re having the entire population of Ireland over for the weekend, you’re not going to run out of room.

MARY:  What is a "weekend?"

MATTHEW:  Dear God!

MARY: We’d be happy to give the servants bigger quarters but they spend so little time in them. We work them twenty hours a day.

MATTHEW: How considerate of you.

MARY: They have to polish all the bannisters and wash the paintings. 

MATTHEW: Uh huh. Well, let me ask you, my spoiled goddess – how do you heat this place in the winter?

MARY: What?

MATTHEW: It’s a train station with chandeliers. How do you heat it? I see maybe three fireplaces.

MARY: I don’t know. It always seems to be summer.

MATTHEW: And you must have thirty acres here.  Who mows the lawn?   You have four footmen to dish out soup and not a single gardener.  

MARY:  I'm sure we have them.   They must mow at night. 

MATTHEW:  Well, dear lady of entitlement, I'm afraid I must take my leave. I’m due in court in an hour. I’m guessing whatever school you went to didn’t have a Career Day.

MARY:  We had tutors.  Mrs. Doubtfire taught me the essentials -- posturing, dramatic exits, and celibacy.

MATTHEW:  What did you take for shop class? (beat)  Well, I'm off.

MARY: Matthew, wait. I’ve made my decision. I do want to marry you.

MATTHEW: Yes, well, now that I know a little bit more about you and your life I need some more time.

MARY: What? How much time?

MATTHEW: Can I get back to you in thirty years?   Or when you put away your own shoes -- whichever comes first. 

MARY: Oh my God! You’re rescinding your proposal?

MATTHEW: I’m terribly sorry but yes. I’m running screaming as we common people say. I’m afraid I require someone a little more… interesting.

MARY: Ha! In this town? You’ll never find one. I’m still the best you can do.

MATTHEW: Oh, I’ll find a girl more interesting.

MARY: Really? Where?

MATTHEW: The Jewish mixer! Good day, m’lady.

MATTHEW runs screaming. On MARY’S reaction, we:

FADE OUT.

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Tips for winter travelers

Traveling is a nightmare anyway, but during the winter it gets even worse. But fear not, blog faithful. Here are some suggestions for winter air travel:

Check the weather forecast. If it’s not 72 degrees and clear EVERYWHERE in the United States, reschedule.

Do not call the airline for a weather update. You’ll learn it’s cool and overcast in New Delhi.

Allow two hours before the flight, ten hours for the tarmac, two hours for the unscheduled fuel stop, and two hours to retrieve your luggage. And if you’re flying from LA to San Francisco, 45 minutes for the flight itself.

If you print your ticket on one of those self-help stations realize that the chances of it working are the same as five cherries coming up on a slot machine.

Best to print your ticket at home the night before along with the flight schedules of every other airline going to your destination, airport shuttle schedules, Amtrak schedules, and the 1-800 numbers for Ramada, Holiday Inn, Hilton, Marriott, Quality Inn, Best Western, and the YMCA.

Never turn in your rental car until it’s the final boarding call on your flight.

Never fly to, from, or around Chicago.

Always use skycaps. And if you choose to ever see your luggage again, tip.

Remember: “the white zones are for assholes in SUV’s only”.

You are allowed several little three-ounce bottles of something but not one three-and-a-half-ounce bottle of the same thing.

You might want to put that Astroglide into a nondescript little bottle.

Don't book connecting flights in the winter, even in Hawaii.

Don't buy furniture off the Sky Mall.

Don’t have children if you plan on flying anytime in the next fifteen years. Even if it’s one trip.

If they announce they’re overbooked and are looking for volunteers to take a later plane for free trips take it. The flight is going to be cancelled anyway. And you’ll have a jump at getting reservations at the airport Hilton.

Have your laptop, ipod, cellphone, iphone, Gameboy, Blackberry, camcorder, transistor radio, electric razor, hand held fan, and pacemaker fully charged. Ten hours on the tarmac is a long time.

Upgrade.

Before you get on the flight take Airbourne, water, Xanex, Oscillococcinum, Clariton, Ambien, and tequila.

Fake a limp so you can pre-board and guarantee there will be room in the overhead compartments for your stuff.

Bring your own DVD’s, music selection, food, blankets, pillows, reading light, water, magazines, newspapers, coffee, toilet paper. And just to be on the safe side, your own oxygen masks and floatation devices.

But it’s not a good time to catch up on the first season of LOST.

Play the drinking game. Take a swig every time you hear “we apologize for the inconvenience”. Not recommended for those unwilling to get completely shitfaced.

Drinking game #2: “We thank you for your patience.”

Don’t kid yourself. EVERYONE is flying “stand by”.

The scary part used to be the landing. Now it’s pushing off from the gate.

Beware of free WIFI hotspots in airport terminals. Hackers use these to break into your computer. Not a joke.

It’s quieter and smoother in the front of the plane. And screw what they say, if you’re in Coach and you want to use the bathroom go to the ones in First Class.

And finally, always remember: it’s NEVER the airlines' fault. It’s the weather, air traffic controllers, mechanical problems, baggage handler strike, FAA rules, homeland security, airport restrictions, lawmakers, the billy goat curse, lunar eclipses, and most of all -- the media.

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Cliff Clavin explains Yorkshire Pudding

Bonus Friday question: Dana Gabbard asks:

Maybe you could give us a peek at the legal process a script goes through. I know from reading the Making of Star Trek that someone researches whether a character's name is too similiar to an actual person who has the same profession as the character, etc.

There are a couple of research firm that comb through scripts to identify possible legal problems and double-check facts. You mention Hitler and they’ll say, “Former German dictator”, stuff like that.

One time on CHEERS we had a run where Cliff explained the derivation of Yorkshire pudding. The research person called me (since I co-wrote the episode) asking where I got that information. She had been researching it for two days and couldn’t confirm our claim. I said a waitress at Lawry’s Prime Rib restaurant told me. The researcher was apoplectic. “You can’t go with historical information based on hearsay from a waitress!” I reminded her it was Cliff telling the story. Who gives a shit if he’s right? She hung up satisfied.

My other research firm story is not so amusing. When my partner, David Isaacs and I were creating the MARY show for Mary Tyler Moore in 1985 we set the series in a Chicago newspaper. We gave the research firm a list of about twenty newspaper names. They came back with five or six that had cleared. We selected the Chicago Post. We filmed the pilot and then David went to Chicago to supervise the filming of our opening credit (yes, we even had opening credits back then). We had posters on the side of buses showing Mary.

At 9:00 the next morning I get a call from a gentleman who said he just saw a bus go by and was very concerned. He was the editor of the Chicago Post. I picked my jaw off the floor and said I’d have to get back to him. I then called Chicago information and sure enough there was the Chicago Post. The research firm had fucked up BIG TIME! MTM contacted him and was willing to arrange a settlement for use of the name.

Fortunately, the words Chicago Post were nowhere in the newsroom set. But the Post editor figured we’d have to reshoot the whole pilot at a cost of several million so he really had us over a barrel. He asked for a fortune. MTM countered with a very fair offer. He said they were bluffing. They gave him a deadline. He didn’t bite. We became the CHICAGO EAGLE. It cost a few hundred dollars to loop Eagle for Post in dialogue and a few thousand to reshoot the bus shots in Chicago. Far less than it would have cost had we settled. FAR less. But can you imagine the hassle? All because the research firm (who we fired, you’d be surprised to learn) didn’t employ as one of their resources the damn phone book.

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Follow up questions from yesterday's post

Yesterday’s post on what spec to write has generated a lot of Friday Questions. So let me address them today. 

First off, several people asked why I omitted NEW GIRL? Just an oversight. If you want to write one of those Fox-style shows I’d say it’s your best bet. Someone asked about writing a LOUIE. I wouldn’t. It’s soooo specific to Louis C.K.’s voice. I don’t believe anyone other than Louie can write one.

Okay. Your questions:

Andrew starts us off:

Do you think that something like Girls, where the characters tend to go through development more over the course of a season than in something like Modern Family or Big Bang Theory runs the risk of being dated very quickly? Is this the same with any show that has a lot of plot development? If you write a spec Girls script now, will it seem very dated 4 weeks into the season?

Yes. It’s harder to write a show where the characters evolve quickly because it’s like you’re shooting a moving target. And chances are you miss.

On the other hand, your show doesn’t have to be up to date up to the minute. Producers understand. If you wrote a MODERN FAMILY before Haley graduated high school, that’s still in an acceptable window. I wouldn’t, however, shop around a spec TWO AND A HALF MEN with Charlie Sheen still in it. It’s been two years and you've had more than enough time to size up the changes.  

Shows that are serialized are generally not good candidates for specs – comedies or dramas. Unless their format allows for stand-alone stories in addition to the serialized threads. An example would be THE GOOD WIFE. You could concentrate on an interesting legal case. Whether Alicia goes back to Peter or Will is not something you need to address.

Al has a couple of questions:

What do you think about writing specs for shows that are heavily "improv" type shows? I was trying to strategize what my next spec would be and happened upon an idea for "The League".

The problem with specs for shows that utilize a lot of improvisation (like THE LEAGUE or CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM) is that it’s hard to really capture the show’s voice. Your script will most likely feel “written” and thus "off."

But...

There is no other show currently on the air that has the sensibility of CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM. So if that’s your sense of humor, take a shot at it.

Remember, you don’t have to show every spec you write. If you try an episode of THE LEAGUE and don’t feel it worked, junk it.  All it cost you was time and not even paper these days.

Also, how effective is it to write a spec for a show not on a major network? There are a lot of quality shows on cable, but I'm worried producers may not be familiar enough with the show to warrant a read.

It’s perfectly acceptable to write a cable show. Depending on the show, producers might be more familiar with a cable show than a network show. Trust me, more producers know SHAMELESS than BEN AND KATE.

From Stephanie:

Do the same guidelines apply if someone wants to write for a kids' show? "Good Luck, Charlie" spec -- bad idea?

A reader claimed that Nickelodeon is not interested in reading these shows designed for tweenagers. I myself, don’t know. But if that’s the genre you feel would show you off the best then go for it. There are quite a number of Disney kidcoms so there’s clearly a market and demand. And like I keep saying, there are some terrific jokes on some of those shows – especially GOOD LUCK CHARLIE. Don’t just dismiss this form.

And finally, Johnny Walker wonders:

If YOU were going to write a spec right now, which show would you write it for?

MODERN FAMILY or PARKS AND REC. But they’re more my sensibility and I watch those shows regularly so I know them the best.  Doesn't mean you should.  

Best of luck, everyone!

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What comedy spec to write in 2013?

Here’s a question I get (and am happy to answer) every year.

Beardly Mustachington asks:

Will you again grace us with your comedy spec recommendations for 2013? Program deadlines are fast approaching and I'm struggling between a few choice shows. I value your insight, as I suspect many readers do. Thanks!

I always preface this by saying (a) this is just one person’s opinion, and (b) the most important factor is what show do you feel best shows off your strengths?

If you are great at jokes write shows with lots of jokes like BIG BANG THEORY. If you’re more of an irony fan, go for something like PARKS AND RECREATION. Is your sense of humor primarily dark? Go for a SHAMELESS. Wry and caustic? CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM.

What are producers and agents looking for? Ask ten and you’ll get ten different answers. For existing series I would say show that you can really write their characters and their rhythms. And make the script is FUNNY. Everything else can be taught.  But a writer is either funny or he's not. 

There is one thing all producers/networks/readers all agree on – make sure your script is in the correct format and there are no spelling errors.  A sloppy presentation will surely result in a rejection. You can usually find script formats for specific shows on the internet. Or see if the show will send you a script. It’s worth the effort to do it right.

Okay, so which show should you do?

If there is one rule I would say don’t do a spec for a show that is at the end of its run. Don’t write an OFFICE. Don’t write a 30 ROCK. Or a TWO AND A HALF MEN. They’ll be obsolete by the time you’re done. HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER is coming back for one more season but still, you’ll have a very short shelf life with a HIMYM. Ditto RULES OF ENGAGEMENT.

Probably MODERN FAMILY is the spec de jour. There are big pluses and minuses to MODERN FAMILY. Plus: it’s very character-based and funny. It wins Emmys every year. The standards are high. Minus: It is also a trap. The stories on MODERN FAMILY tend to be very intricate and clever. If you can pull it off your script will really stand out, but if your storytelling falls short it will sink you.

The other popular spec is BIG BANG THEORY. The stories are thin at best, but the jokes are solid and plentiful. If you attempt a BBT load it up with jokes. Then go back and add fifteen more.

2 BROKE GIRLS is broad and crass. But it’s popular. The trap here is that a lot of the jokes on the show are obvious and easy (when stuck for any punch line they just have a character say vagina). But that’s not to say you can’t write better, funnier jokes than they do. Now the 2 BROKE GIRLS producers will think their vagina jokes are the most hilarious lines on television. But trust me, producers of other shows don’t hold those jokes in such high esteem.

PARKS AND RECREATION is smart, funny, and places a premium on character development. Don’t make the mistake of just making them all cartoons. They’re exaggerated but still straddle the line of reality.

If mainstream is your wheelhouse then consider a LAST MAN STANDING,THE MIDDLE, MIKE & MOLLY, and maybe GO ON. And by the way, don’t feel defensive about wanting to write mainstream. Just because a show isn’t edgy doesn’t mean it’s bad. In fact, you may enjoy a longer career if you write mainstream. There will always be more need for writers who can write all age groups and not just twentysomethings.

That said, a lot of young writers do want to establish themselves as cool. HAPPY ENDINGS is too cool for school. But there’s a trap with that show. They rely a lot on catch phrases for their humor. First off, they’re easy un-earned laughs, and secondly, if the reader is not totally into that show a lot of your jokes will just read like straight lines.

There are the Fox comedies, but again – beware. You want to write a show that’s fresh and on the upswing. But despite its pick up for a full season, THE MINDY PROJECT is not a hit show. Same with NBC’s NEW NORMAL. Their networks are saying all the right things but there’s no guarantee either will be back. Same with WHITNEY, THE B IN APT 23, and COMMUNITY.

UP ALL NIGHT is going through a transformation from single to multi camera. Until they figure out what they want and what their show is, I’d give it a wide berth. And chances are these changes are just a Hail Mary and the show is gone after this year.

If you want to write a spec for a show a little more off-center then I would think about SHAMELESS and RAISING HOPE.

And then there’s GIRLS. Write a great GIRLS and it could be a home run. But if it’s not great you’re dead. And my guess is most of the GIRLS specs miss the mark. They're very exact and hard to write.  Another thing about GIRLS – realize that there are a number of producers who actively dislike the show. You’re toast there. But you could argue that if GIRLS is your sensibility and a producer doesn’t like it then he’s not the producer for you. Still, if you’re going to write a GIRLS I suggest you also have another spec in the drawer. I don’t want to see you rejected even before the producer opens your script.

So there you have it. And as always, things change. If I do this post again in six months all the recommendations might be completely different. Again, write the show you write best regardless of what I or anybody else says.

Also, remember, today you also need a piece of original material. But that’s another conversation.

Best of luck with your specs. Someone has to make it. Why not YOU?

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My review of LES MISERABLES

If you loved the stage musical, if you’re a devoted fan, if you can tell the difference between all the songs then you will probably love the movie version of LES MISERABLES. If you’re not a fan – like me – you may find the film an ordeal. It’s 2 1/2 hours but to me it felt like 5. And some songs from the musical were cut!! Holy shit! I could still be sitting in that theater.

In fairness, when it was over a lot of people applauded. It was impeccably made. The “epic” part was all there. Along with enough Hollywood CGI to qualify the film for the STAR TREK franchise. But to me that mega-production was a problem. I saw the stage version once years ago. The thing I marveled at was how they managed to stage such a huge production within the limits of theater. The sets were on a rotating stage, cast members played three or four parts – the technical aspects of the show were incredible. The production required ingenuity and a thousand individual aspects that had to go off like clockwork. I can’t imagine how they did it. Stage productions I’ve been involved with they can’t make a phone ring on cue.

But there are no limitations in a movie. You can just throw money and computers at it. So everything was excessive. As the old adage goes: LES is more.

Another problem for me: Russell Crowe can’t sing. Every time he had a number I felt like I was watching the open auditions of AMERICAN IDOL. And believe me, even Paula wouldn’t have sent him on to Hollywood. What made it worse was that everyone else could sing. Especially Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway. For all the scope of the movie, my favorite scene by a mile was Anne singing her big number, “I Dreamed a Dream.” It was one take, one uninterrupted shot and she sang it live. If Jennifer Hudson won an Oscar for her one big show stopper song, Anne should come away with Best Supporting Actresses statuette for that scene alone.

But getting back to Russell Crowe – seriously, what the fuck was he thinking? Why did he take this role? Didn’t anyone ever tell him he couldn’t sing? I guess not. Maybe they were all afraid he’d clock them with a phone.

The direction by Tom Hooper was completely over-the-top. The only thing he left out was subtlety. Here again, the movie was very manipulative but I don’t know if that’s Hooper’s fault or the original musical. Or maybe that Victor Hugo fella. But I missed the light touch of Oliver Stone.

Yes, the actors made great sacrifices for their art. Anne Hathaway lost 25 pounds (and won’t reveal how because she says it was life threatening) and Hugh Jackman lost 30. Hugh also stayed awake for a day and a half without eating so he could look right for a particular scene. That’s either admirable or insane depending on your viewpoint. But you must applaud their commitment to the project and desperate need to win an Oscar.

In conclusion, LES MISERABLES is a very polarizing film. I suspect you will either love it or pray for a guillotine. As for me -- well, this was my capsulated review for Facebook and Twitter:

"Oh good they shot the kid, we can go home now...WHAT?! 45 more minutes?"

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My New Year's Resolutions

                 Happy New Year!

Here are my New Year’s resolutions:

Finally watch THE WIRE.

Get ALMOST PERFECT on Netflix or Hulu.

Go to the gym at least twice a week. (My gym is usually packed in January and by March it’s me and two other guys.)

Stay off the 405 freeway when it’s crowded (so only take it between 2-4 AM).

Visit my friend in Walla Walla.

Finish my novel.

Meet Claire Danes.

Learn to do an accent in my improv class.

See a Broadway show I wish I had written.

Watch and listen to as much Vin Scully as I possibly can.

Finish reading the Elizabeth Taylor book. (She’s slept with so many guys already. No wonder one of her nicknames was ‘the British Open’.)

Learn what half the features on my car are.

Continue to support the WGA’s Foundation.

Catch up on DOWNTON ABBEY before the new season begins.

Champion strict gun control.

Get a humor piece in the NEW YORKER.

Get a cartoon in the NEW YORKER.

Avoid the incredibly tasty fried chicken wings at the Hamburger Hamlet.

Keep Tetris playing down to three hours a day.

Answer more Friday Questions (which I'll be able to do if I keep the previous resolution).

Clean my desk (a perennial resolution but this year for sure!)

Keep an open mind when I watch Seth McFarlane host the Oscars (although that might be asking the impossible).

And finally, solve the Natalie Wood case.

Let's see how many I keep.  What are your resolutions?

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