Eliza Dushku and my swimming pool

One advantage or disadvantage of living in Los Angeles is that some production company might want to use your house for filming.   My house was almost used once.  Talk about the one that got away.  Here's the sad story:

One day five years we get a knock on our front door. My wife answers to find the location manager for a new pilot called DOLLHOUSE. It was a Joss Whedon production. She was aware of the name. He was my marching buddy one day on the strike line. Anyway, they were interested in using our pool for the pilot. They had been scanning GoogleMaps and from 300,000 miles our pool seemed to be the right shape and color.

He took pictures, said ours was one of a number they were considering, and gave her his number if we had any questions.

I came home that night and was not enthused. The thought of a film crew – sixty guys named Dave – trampling through my house and yard did not excite me. They always say they’ll leave the house exactly as they found it but do they really? What if they break my priceless bowling trophy? Plus, it’s just an invasion of privacy. I don’t want to be sunbathing nude while Dave, Dave, Dave, and Dave drag cables across the patio.

And there was a chance they’d want to film the second night of Passover, which is when we had 35 people coming to the house.

Yes, they pay you but weighing all the factors, it just didn’t seem worth it. I called the location manager, politely passed, and then, purely out of curiosity, asked what the scene was about. The conversation went something like this:

LOCATION MANAGER: Eliza Dushku would be swimming laps.

ME: Eliza Dushku?

LOCATION MANAGER: Yeah, she’s been cast as the star.

ME: Eliza Dushku? In my pool?

LOCATION MANAGER: Well, thanks for letting us take a look.

ME: Wait. Wait a minute. Eliza Dushku would be at my house? Swimming in my pool? Getting out and drying off? Maybe a few times? And you'd be paying me? Would I be allowed to be there?

LOCATION MANAGER: Of course. It’s your house. Have a good weekend.

ME: HOLD IT! Wait! I think we can do this. Yes. Definitely. I’m back in.

LOCATION MANAGER: But you said there was likely to be a conflict.

ME: What? The Jewish holidays? No, don’t worry about them. It's not like they’re carved in stone. Would I be allowed to invite my poker buddies?

LOCATION MANAGER: We found some other good pools anyway, so it’s really no big deal.

ME: Where? They can’t be as nice as mine. What if I waive the fee? The poker guys don’t have to come.

LOCATION MANAGER: Listen, I’ve got another call…

ME: Joss Whedon! He’s a very close friend of mine. I know he’s going to want to use my place.

LOCATION MANAGER: Well, you could always call him.

ME: I don’t know his number.

LOCATION MANAGER: Goodnight, sir.

ME: Tell ya what, could you have him call me? Ken Levine. We marched together at 20th. I wore the ALMOST PERFECT baseball cap. He asked “Was that a show?” Really. We got very tight.

DIAL TONE

ME: Hello…? Hello…?

They did not use my pool. Whoever’s pool they did use, they used multiple times. And the show lasted a couple of seasons so they probably used that pool multiple times. Oh, and they didn’t shoot during Passover.   You can search for my house on Google Maps by just typing in the word "schmuck."

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A rare un-aired Larry Gelbart pilot

UPDATE:  UNFORTUNATELY, THIS VIDEO HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN.  I invite you to scroll up or down and read other posts.   Sorry about that.

Few people know that Larry Gelbart wrote the first pilot of THREE'S COMPANY. Actually, the first American adaptation of the British series. Imagine the THREE'S COMPANY you know but with smarter jokes and different girls.   I don't know why they decided to completely throw out his script once they recast but they did.   Actually, there were three THREE'S COMPANY pilots.  Ritter and Joyce DeWitt were in the second but with a different blonde.  She was replaced by Suzanne Sommers and the rest is dubious history.   John Ritter, Norman Fell, and Audra Lindley were in all three versions as was that insipid theme song.  (I know I'm going to get a bunch of irate readers commenting that I'm crazy and that the theme was great, but I'm standing my ground on this one.)

Ironically, there was a period of time when MASH was on Tuesday nights up against THREE'S COMPANY and TC killed it in the ratings.  It was only when CBS moved MASH to Monday nights at 9:00 did the show really take off.   David Isaacs and I were very relieved.  We were the head writers then and it was reassuring to know the show faltered in the ratings due to the competition and not us.   We didn't want to be known as the writing team that killed MASH.

Although Larry never got a created by or developed by credit he did receive a nice royalty for every episode. 

I don't know how this re-surfaced after so many years but it's worth taking a look.  Enjoy a look into the alternate universe.

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Coping with comedy writer depression

This is a serious Friday Question. More humor tomorrow but today I need to address this. Usually I frown on Anonymous posters but not in this case. 

Here's his question:

Ken, I'm a mid-level writer and have been writing on sitcoms for about six years. Alan Kirschenbaum (pictured above) and Lester Lewis' suicides were chilling because I see how this job may have driven them to it. I see that kind of pain all around me, in other sitcom writers, in myself. How did you keep your head straight when you did your time working on staffs? Yes, I'm aware of how great the WGA's mental health benefits are, but aside from that, did you land upon an effective way to deal with all the lows? Sorry to be anonymous, but I'm sure you understand why.

First off, my heart goes out to you. And anyone who feels despondent in their life or life’s work. Depression can be a killer.  But therapy and proper medication have helped millions recover and go on to lead normal, healthy, happy lives. 

Besides advising you strongly to seek counseling I can only tell you what works for me. I’m not a medical professional, nor can I speculate on the reasons why Alan and Lester chose to take their own lives. My guess is their careers were a factor but there were others as well.   I didn’t know either of them very well. I worked with Alan briefly on a couple of shows; Lester I never met.

I can also point out that like any writer, I have weathered my share of disappointments, doubts, failures, and frustrations. They come with the territory.  There was one period, after doing the MARY show that I needed to drop out and not do anything for three months. So these are battle-tested methods, at least regarding me. I hate when actors give acceptance speeches after winning big awards and say, “This just proves if you love what you’re doing and stay with it you’ll make it.” Bullshit! You made it. You were incredibly lucky, were blessed with God-given talent, or your slept your way to the top, but don’t be giving advice to others as if anyone can follow your path.

Here was mine:

David Isaacs and I were just starting out. We had sold a couple of freelance scripts and were completely starry-eyed. And then we heard that a writer for ALL IN THE FAMILY, on his way to a Sunday rewrite after working grueling hours every day for weeks, felt chest pains, pulled off to the side of the freeway, had a heart attack and died. He was in his 50’s. This was a sobering moment for us. Even then, even in the euphoria of finally breaking into the business, we realized that literally killing yourself for the sake of a script was foolhardy.  As a result, our mantra has always been…

It’s just a stupid television show.

It may not seem it at the time of crisis but if you step back, allow yourself a little perspective, you’ll see that it’s true.

It’s just a stupid television show.

Yes, you want to make your show great. You want it to be something you’re immensely proud of, something seen by millions of people. You work your ass off, as you should. But at the end of the day…

It’s just a stupid television show.

A few years ago a writer killed himself after a bad table reading of a MR. ED reboot pilot. Can you imagine something that tragic and absurd?

Look for other things in your life that you enjoy or give you meaning. If as a God-forbid you have to get out of television, you will probably find that’s not the worst thing that's ever happened to you.  It might just be the best. Re-inventing yourself is not a bad thing. I will admit it’s harder to do that the older you get. Opportunities dry up with age. But it’s certainly worth exploring. A lot of my contemporaries have found satisfaction in other fields. One former comedy writer teaches Russian Studies in college, another is now an author, still a third runs a bed & breakfast in Vermont.

Is there something else you’d like to do? It may not even be a dream job, but if the stress is way less, if you go home at a decent hour, if you’re able to watch basketball for the first time in fifteen years, then maybe it’s worth it.

I got very lucky. At the end of that MARY experience I had an “Is that all there is?” moment and decided to chase my other passion, baseball announcing. It was a lark more than anything. When I went to the upper deck of Dodger Stadium with a tape recorder I never seriously believed I’d make it to the major leagues. The truth? After spending a year locked in a writing room, I was just thrilled to be outdoors. It worked out for me amazingly well, but that was just a bonus.

And then there’s Alan Ball. I’ve told this story before but he was on staff of CYBILL and was miserable. So at night, for his own sanity, he wrote a spec screenplay. That was AMERICAN BEAUTY.

I offer these merely as examples that there are alternatives. A lawyer I knew said “Fuck it” and opened a crepe restaurant. A former big league ballplayer is writing a musical. A former comedy writer is going to nursing school. What else floats your boat?

And finally, to the person I say, you are welcome to contact me. My email is bossjock@dslextreme.com. I’m happy to sit down and have coffee with you and do whatever I can. Comedy is hard but shouldn’t be that hard.

My best wishes to all of you in this painful situation.

It's just a stupid television show.

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These are the pilots they're making this year

In a mission far more dangerous than anything they’ve tried on COVERT AFFAIRS, THE AMERICANS, HOMELAND, 24, or CUPCAKE WARS, I managed to obtain the official list of this year’s pilot pick-ups. I was only able to read it once before having to eat it for security reasons. But I took notes – in Klingon of course, as a necessary precaution in case they fell into the wrong hands. One can’t be too careful when it comes to pilot loglines.

So at great personal risk to me, here is what the networks are generally developing for the 2013/14 season:

A hundred variations of a single-parent struggling to maintain their career while raising an insufferable sitcom-one-liner-joke-machine precocious kid.

Groups of thirtysomethings trying to navigate the dating scene. Barney Stinson meets FRIENDS.

Every other pilot is about parents moving in with their kids or kids moving back in with their parents. And the parents are always overbearing and outspoken.

Every workplace has an obnoxious mean boss.

Another big trend is loosely-based autobiographical accounts of dysfunctional families. Playing the diversity/alcoholic/mental illness card to delight and touch you.

And then there’s…

SEX IN THE CITY with divorced men, SEX IN THE CITY with older women.

Fathers and daughters working together. (JUST SHOOT ME but… well, it is JUST SHOOT ME.)

Adaptations of books, mostly dating books.

Loose cannon shithead must raise a precocious kid. ONE AND A HALF MEN.

So much depends on the execution and for all I know a few of these are great. America’s next classic sitcom could be buried in there somewhere. So I’m withholding any judgment…

BUT….

This is the actual logline from one of the ordered pilots:

A single-camera comedy that follows Kimmie and her two best friends, who make it a priority to eat pizza in their pajamas and watch a movie before their strict midnight bedtime every Friday.

I dunno. I somehow can’t imagine that premise supporting 100 episodes. But I could just be jealous because I didn’t think of it.

Now remember – none of this you heard from me… including best of luck to all of you who have pilots in contention!

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One of those great network stories

 ABC has a pilot in development.  Here's the logline:  When Terry Gannon, a recently divorced, single mother, temporarily moves in with her estranged father, a beer swilling former baseball player, she reluctantly starts coaching her son's underdog little league team and is drawn back into the world of sports she vowed to leave behind. 

This is not the first time this basic premise has been tried.  I wonder if the ABC pilot gets the same note as the CBS version. 

Right around this time in 1979 CBS premiered a new sitcom called THE BAD NEWS BEARS. It was an adaptation of the terrific movie of the same name. (If you haven’t seen it, check it out. Walter Matthau, Tatum O’Neal, and a young very weird Jackie Earle Haley) In the TV version Jack Warden played the Matthau part.

Here’s that premise: a little league team of rag tag junior high misfits is coached by an alcoholic former minor leaguer down on his luck. Hilarity and dropped fly balls ensue. 

The series debuted and did well enough to get renewed for the Fall of 1980. It was on Saturday nights. Most of the shows were filmed on Westside little league fields.

Research was conducted based on the audience and the time slot, and once the show was picked up CBS gave the producers one note.

Cut out any baseball.

The (then) Saturday night audience was largely women and women didn't like baseball.

The producers reminded them this was a show about baseball. The Bad News Bears were a little league BASEBALL team. CBS said, “make it more about the relationship between Jack Warden and the kids.” And they said, “Yeah, but he’s their BASEBALL coach.” They countered with, “Well, then do more with the romance between Warden and Catherine Hicks, who played the junior high principal. So it should be a romantic comedy even though the premise is about baseball and kids and now neither were emphasized?  "We don't care as long as there's no baseball."

Try that for a writing exercise future-showrunners. 

BAD NEWS BEARS had their season debut in September, and for whatever reason, tanked in the ratings and was soon cancelled. Remember, when it debuted in the spring it got good enough numbers to be renewed. So what was the difference? Could it perhaps, just maybe, by some slim chance be… BASEBALL?

Good luck with the ABC pilot.

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Inside THE PRICE IS RIGHT

My daughter Annie recently attended the taping of THE PRICE IS RIGHT (it will air tomorrow morning, Wednesday) and along with her writing partner, Jon Emerson files this account of it:

Recently, a friend of mine came to visit and wanted to do something “touristy” in the city. I happen to live very close to where they tape THE PRICE IS RIGHT and my dad happens to enjoy getting a day off from blogging, so it didn't take long to put two and two together...

We got in line around six in the morning and were already behind a half-dozen people praying for the chance to “come on down.” A regular Algonquin Round Table. (IKEA round table; actual retail price: $199.)

There was the married couple from Utah who drove ten hours literally just for this taping. As soon as it was over they were headed right back. I didn't ask how he chose which wife to bring, but I assume she was the one who does the grocery shopping.

And Scott, the entrepreneur, whose real goal was to get on SHARK TANK. His latest stroke of genius was a combination watch and stun gun. (Mederma Scar Cream; actual retail price: $20.)

As the line grew behind us, I began to realize we were dressed like complete idiots. In that we were the only ones not dressed like complete idiots. A rainbow of t-shirts covered in blood, sweat, and Puffy Paint. (Dimensional Puffy Fabric Paint; actual retail price: $9.99 for a pack of six.) Each shirt featured witty turns of phrase like “Sock It Drew Me” and “Just Drew It!” I almost Drew my brains out.

In line at six in the morning and we finally got through the CBS gates around nine. Much to our chagrin, we were just put into another line. Our newest line companion was Michael Polosky. This was Michael's thirty-seventh taping of THE PRICE IS RIGHT. He knew every single thing I could have ever wondered about the show except what made me think coming to it was a good idea.

At last we were given the iconic price tag name badges. The show requires you put your full legal first name on the badge, meaning I had to be Diana. Nobody ever calls me Diana, so for all I know, they did call me down and I just ignored it. That'll make for a fun blooper reel. (Game Show Moments Gone Bananas (DVD); actual retail price: $13.)

Everyone in line was divided up into groups of twelve to sixteen people. Each group was interviewed so that the producers could find contestants for this particular episode. Personally, I thought I nailed my interview. I was charming, I was funny, I was a sure-fire TV sensation.

I was seated in the very back row.

We would have been closer to the stage if I sat on my couch at home.

I will say this, though... I don't know if it was the psychedelic set, the allure of winning a trampoline, or what, but as soon as I sat in that metal folding chair, I went from mumbling “I hate this” to screaming “PICK THE KAYAK!” in sixty-seconds flat. (Mark 1 Economy Stopwatch; actual retail price: $8.)

Drew Carey came out, the place went nuts, and only six hours from the time we got in line, we finally heard: “It's the Price is Riiiiiight!”

THE PRICE IS RIGHT is currently involved in a $7.7 million lawsuit. I think the producers might be worried they'll have to pay out because one of the big prizes of the show was a BBQ shaped like a pickle. Sure, people won cars, but I don't remember the old PRICE IS RIGHT requiring you to return those cars to the nearest Enterprise location with the same amount of gas in the tank as when you got it.

For most of the audience (read: old women) the biggest draw of the show was the raw sexual magnetism of Drew Carey...'s male model assistant “Hot Rob.” “Hot Rob” is the first male model the show has ever had. From the looks of him, he gets paid per ab. (Total Gym XLS; actual retail price: $999.)

At one point, Drew read the contestant's bids incorrectly and called the wrong person up to the stage. The audience felt terrible for her as she danced her way up to Drew and then had to walk back to her podium. Then Hot Rob gave her a hug and the audience wanted to kill her.

After the taping, they had us all stay behind to do pick-ups. It was mostly contestants having to recreate their psychotic sprinting from their seats to the stage. Can you imagine? “I'm so sorry you didn't win that trip, that car, any of the furniture, and you got beaten in the Showcase Showdown by only a dollar... But, hey, at least you got that hot dog cooker. Now run down here again and put a little more enthusiasm into it.”

They let us all go home and I have to admit I was thrilled with the experience. Sure, I didn't get called up to be a contestant, but I buy everything with coupons anyway, so how good could I have done?

This particular episode airs tomorrow. I'll be the one way in the back trying to stop a 200 year-old woman from rushing the stage to get at Hot Rob. (Trojan condoms; actual retail price: $14.)

That's the end of this blog post. Thanks for reading and don't forget to have your pets spayed or neutered.

Thanks again to Jon & Diana... I mean Annie.    

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NEWS FLASH: I will be taking over GIRLS

An official announcement will be made later today, but I have been given an offer I couldn't refuse and so I am returning to series television. I just signed to be the new showrunner of GIRLS.  I know.  Mind blowing, isn't it?  I still can't believe it myself.  This is a deal that has been in the works for months. It’s one of the reasons I am not doing baseball this year. I needed to free my schedule.

Here’s what happened and trust me, it was completely out of the blue. Unbeknownst to me, Lena Dunham is a huge fan of my blog. GIRLS has been in ratings-freefall all second season long, and when HBO renewed it for a third year it was with the stipulation that they would make significant changes.

When Lena was out here in January for the Golden Globes we met for two days, I spelled out my suggestions for the show, and she embraced them. Further meetings with Judd Apatow and HBO followed and a deal was hammered out. One of my stipulations was that I would still be able to continue this blog. Judd said if I was really in a bind for time he’d write a few things for me. Or have Seth Rogen do it. Thanks, Judd.

So what are my changes?  You'll read about these tomorrow in Alan Sepinwall's and Maureen Ryan's columns but why shouldn't you know before anyone else?

First of all we’re going to do the third season multi-camera, shot in front of a studio audience. HBO was concerned they were getting away from the comedy and this will help in that regard. Now when there are laughs you'll know.  Yes, the objection has been voiced – won’t that format make the show seem less groundbreaking? No, and here’s why: Lena will do the same amount of nudity, except now in front of an audience. When have you ever seen that before on a sitcom? In many ways it will be more groundbreaking. And Lena, I'm in awe of your bravery. 

Lovers of the show fear not. There will still be masturbating and anal sex but now there will be applause at the end, just like you do at home.

We’re also adding some fresh daring characters. To address the criticism the show is too white, we’re adding an African-American. Bill Cosby returns to television as Doodles, an irascible homeless guy who has an opinion on everything. He’ll befriend Hannah and explain to her why hip hop music is destroying the black community.

For a big season kick off, Judd has graciously agreed to do a crossover episode with the cast of THIS IS 40.  Leslie Mann and Rebekka Johnson who played Gyno Nurse will be reprising their roles. The public interest should be HUGE.

Also, I plan to take advantage of the fact that the stars of the show all have famous fathers. So Brian Williams and David Mamet will both become series regulars. Brian will be Hannah’s wacky landlord, Mr. Higgenfroofer, and David will be her opera singing neighbor.

I hope you are as excited about these improvements as I am… or Lena is.

Today is April first. We go back into production one month from today. Look for the official announcement later today. Here’s a quote from it:

I feel so honored that Lena Dunham has chosen me to help her realize her vision.

GIRLS rock!!! 

To make it clear, especially for those who read this beyond April 1st -- this post was an April Fool's gag.  I am not taking over GIRLS.  It would have meant having to take off my clothes.  I'm pretty sure America doesn't want to see that.   Thanks for playing along.  Hope you had fun with it. 

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