R.I.P. Geoff Edwards

So sorry to hear of the passing of Geoff Edwards. I was shocked to learn he was 83. Geoff was always so youthful with such spirit.  I thought he was 40.  35 maybe.  As recently as last November Geoff contributed a piece for this blog. Most people probably know him as a game show host. He was also a radio star (back when there were such things), travel writer, author, and humorist.

We worked together at KMPC radio in Los Angeles. He was the 9-noon disc jockey and I was the lowly intern. But he always treated me as an equal. In many ways he was an inspiration to me because he didn’t have the classic radio baritone. But he had such personality and was such a terrific communicator that it didn’t stop him from getting plum jobs at some of the most prestigious major market radio stations in the country. He proved that having something to say was more important than just sounding mellifluous. That was my ticket too. Thanks, Geoff.

I’ll miss his sly humor, our lunches, his podcast, our friendship, and most of all his laugh.   Geoff Edwards was a breath of fresh on-air.

(My scheduled post follows later. Please check back.)

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My short-lived stand-up career

This was going to be my big moment. It was the mid ‘70s and I was a disc jockey on B100 San Diego. The hottest group in America at the time was KISS and B100 was sponsoring their only San Diego concert. They sold out the 16,100 seat San Diego Sports Arena in like fifteen minutes.

I was selected to introduce them.

I had never done stand-up comedy but figured ‘what better place to start?’ Who needs open mic night in front of eight drunks on a Monday at 1 AM? I was a funny guy. I could skip a few steps. Go right to a sold out arena.

I asked how much time I could have and was told a couple of minutes. Perfect. I would write up five or six killer jokes. Piece of cake. And the audience knew me from the radio. So it’s not like I was a stranger. I felt sorry for all the poor stand ups who struggled for years in dive clubs and dive towns. Lucky me, I was able to bypass all that shit.

So I wrote some jokes. The smart thing to do might’ve been go to a comedy club and test out the material. A free rehearsal and a chance to fine tune. But no, didn’t do that. It’s only a few jokes. I’d been doing comedy on the radio for years. I knew how to sell a line.

The night of the concert I report backstage before the show. Lots of hustle and bustle. A greasy dinner is served in the bowels of the building for all the performers and crew members. Actually, the performers were in their dressing room either eating there, getting their make up applied, or more likely banging some fifteen-year-old girl. So it was me, roadies, and security thugs. The thought occurred: maybe I should try one or two jokes out on them. Get some feedback. Nah, either I was confident in the material or I wasn’t. I was so why bother?

The concert was supposed to start at 8. I was ready to go. KISS wasn’t. By 9 the audience was getting restless. Some chanting and stomping was heard. KISS was there. They had been in the arena since 3:00 for their sound check. Keeping the audience waiting was a calculated move. Never let it be said that KISS front man, Gene Simmons, wasn’t a savvy guy.

Now I’m getting a little nervous. Has waiting drained a little of my adrenaline? Will I still be able to deliver my lines with the same pizzazz? And how long should I wait for the laughter? It was a big cavernous barn. The big laughs might sweep across the Sports Arena like giant waves. I had to be prepared. And if the laughter was too big and long I might have to drop a joke. I decided which joke to drop.

Finally, the band joined me backstage and I was given the signal to go on.

I marched out onto that big stage and approached the mic. The sound was deafening. 16,100 crazed, stoned, drunk, impatient, surly kids screaming and some booing. Stage lights assaulting me. Like fireflies, thousands of lighters were held high by crowd members. I stood at the mic, surveyed the scene, and this was my first ever stand up routine.

“BIOO presents KISS!!!”

And I got off that stage as fast as I could.

That was also the end of my stand-up career. I figured, why not quit while I’m ahead?

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Final thoughts on the Oscars

The ratings were up from last year. And considering no one saw any of the movies in contention, I’d say that’s a feather in Ellen’s cap.  Expect her to be back next year... if she wants it.

Big surprise that John Travolta believes in Scientology.  

What bothered me about the retweeting bit is that it was clearly so calculated to attract younger viewers. And what bothered me more was how desperate Liza Minnelli looked trying to squeeze into the selfie.

Sidney Poittier was not in top form. Kudos to Angelina Jolie for how classy and kind she handled that whole awkward situation. Someone noted that the music they played as he slowly made his way to the podium was “I Will Wait Forever.”

Cate Blanchett said that having Daniel Day Lewis as presenter exacerbated how good it was. Exacerbate means make worse. Probably what she meant was accentuated.

Usually Oscar hosts have long distinguished film careers.  Ellen may not have the screen credits but she was once a judge on AMERICAN IDOL.

Why was Pink chosen to sing “Over the Rainbow” over more established singers? Uh… what’s the audience the Oscars are trying to attract even more desperately than Liza wants to be noticed? 18-34’s. Barbara Cook is not going to get ‘em.

A number of readers wondered why Jack Nicholson was no longer in the front row smirking in his sunglasses. Probably because he’s never heard of half the presenters. “Zac Efron? Who’s he?”

When John Ridley won the Best Screenplay award for 12 YEARS A SLAVE he conspicuously didn’t thank director Steve McQueen. When McQueen made his acceptance speech later he ignored Ridley. Apparently there is bad blood between them. McQueen supposedly tried to get shared writing credit and the WGA disallowed it. Directors wield great power over writers. It’s kinda like that movie about a certain plantation owner.

Don't wanna say I toldja so but here was my review of 20 FEET FROM STARDOM.  I didn't think it would win an Oscar though because it wasn't set in a prison.

Fresh off her Oscar win, Lupita Nyong'o is back in theaters this week in NON STOP.  She has essentially a walk-on. 

At some point the price tag for the rights to air the Academy Awards is going to be so high that the paying network will get to demand the elimination of the production categories on the primetime telecast. You watch.

If Baz Luhrmann gave as much attention to the script as did the art direction, his wife might not be the only one in the family with Oscars. 

If John Travolta had introduced Karen O he would have said, "Here's Kenny G."

Instead of handing out pizzas, Ellen should have critiqued the singing performances.  

I guess I’m not the only one who thought AMERICAN HUSTLE was vastly over-rated.

Thank you ABC for not going from the In Memoriam segment to a promo for RESSERECTION. Or LAST MAN STANDING.

Just because Hollywood makes a good movie doesn’t necessarily mean audiences are going to find it. It might not play in your town, or it may screen in only one or two art theaters. It might not be promoted properly… if at all. Or the subject matter just doesn’t capture the public’s imagination. Unless IRON MAN 3 wins Best Picture there is always going to be somewhat of a disconnect between good and successful.

A number of you noted that THE WIND RISES should have won for Best Animation Feature. Maybe so but it had no chance over FROZEN.

After suffering through some of those endless acceptance speeches thanking lists of people that no one knows I missed playoff music.

If anyone wearing one of those beaded metallic gowns had spilled tomato sauce from the pizza on herself she’d have to get the dress cleaned at a car wash.

I look forward to next year's Oscars when they salute the 76th anniversary of THE WIZARD OF OZ. 

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My 2014 Oscar Review

Not that it didn’t deserve to win, but I bet half the Academy members who voted for 12 YEARS A SLAVE never saw it.

The only other suspense of the night was whether Pharrell Williams was going to wear his hat, which tells you all you need to know about this Oscarcast. Long, dull, and safe with some musical numbers tossed in to distinguish it from C-SPAN.

Welcome to my 18th annual bitchy-but-fair Academy Awards autopsy; helped out this year by the comedy writing team of Annie Levine & Jon Emerson.

There has been less Oscar buzz this year than any I can remember. Not surprising when a Reuters’ poll found that two-thirds of Americans have not seen ANY of the Best Picture nominees. Of course that will all change now as throngs race to theaters to see 12 YEARS A SLAVE.

More on the show in a moment, but first – the traditional nod to the KTLA Red Carpet oozefest hosted by Sam Rubin and Jessica Holmes who now weighs less than her microphone. Sam is the king of hyperbole. At one point he said, “Now I’m joined by the biggest star of all, Al Roker.” Oh well, at least he didn’t mistake him for Samuel L. Jackson.

Hey, I’m just glad he didn’t tell director, Steve McQueen that he loved him in THE GREAT ESCAPE.

Other favorite Sam moment – saying to Leonard Maltin: “Any surprises that you anticipate?”

Ellen was a big improvement over last year. Of course, after Seth MacFarlane, Sacheen Littlefeather could have done a better job hosting.

I thought her monologue was quite funny even if Liza Minnelli didn’t. Liza with a Z did not seem to enjoy being mistaken for a female impersonator. She once beat the shit out of her husband for less.

Ellen’s bits with the audience were less successful. Don’t expect magic when you take selfies and pass out pizzas. The Oscars are not the place to wing it.

Winner Jared Leto managed to acknowledge Ukrainians, AIDS victims, and his agents. As he walked to the stage I was hoping the announcer would say, “This is the fourth nomination and first Oscar win for Jesus Christ.”

Annie observed that Julia Roberts looked like she had left a napkin in the front of her dress.

Meanwhile, Pharrell Williams showed up in a tuxedo and shorts. Come on, dude. It’s the Oscars, not O.G. Mad Eye’s funeral.

Oscar drinking game: Take a swig every time someone says “journey” or “dream.” By the first J.C. Penney commercial you’ll be blitzed.

Highlight of the night was Darlene Love belting out her acceptance speech for 20 FEET FROM STARDOM. She got an impromptu standing ovation.

No standing O for Karen O however. As Jon said: “It was like open mic night at a coffee shop.” Especially when every other singer killed it.

John Travolta is now officially a moron. He had only two things to do. Dye his hair any color found in nature and pronounce Idina Menzel. He could do neither. How do you get Adele Dazim from Idina Menzel? And this idiot has a pilot’s license? Holy shit!

As expected, Idina Menzel lit up the room with “Let It Go.” Was there ever any doubt that would win Song of the Year? For one thing – people have heard of it. Only downside: expect it to be covered by every AMERICAN IDOL contestant for the next five years.

Chiwetel Ejjiofer, Barkhad Addi, and June Squibb lost, but I’m sure the Academy figures they’ll all be nominated many more times.

Since when does Bruce Jenner go by the name Goldie Hawn?

Women wore a lot of beaded metallics this year. Thank goodness the rain stopped. It’s hard to return gowns once they’ve rusted.

Between Anne Hathaway’s short hair and metallic breastplate, it’s like she came as Ivanhoe.

Lupita Nyong’o’s acceptance speech was lovely and heartfelt. But too long. And she didn’t sing it. Did anyone else notice her play off music was from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?”

The three inevitabilities of life: death, taxes, and Jim Carrey won’t be funny.

I think Matthew McConaughey won as much for TRUE DETECTIVES as DALLAS BUYERS CLUB. My partner, David Isaacs, said it best: He put on a shirt and became an actor.

What was with those pointless “hero” montages? “Hero” in Hollywood is just a euphemism for “movie star.”

How to win the award for Best Editing -- Cut your movie down to 90 minutes. That’s why GRAVITY won, Marty.

BAD GRAMPA and THE LONE RANGER were pretty much shut out. But so were AMERICAN HUSTLE and CAPTAIN PHILLIPS.

The set looked like the old Dunes Hotel in Las Vegas.

In a successful attempt to make the show gayer than the Tonys’, they saluted the 75th anniversary of WIZARD OF OZ complete with Liza Minnelli in attendance. It was also the 75th anniversary of GONE WITH THE WIND, but that would have looked like the Academy was taking the opposing view of 12 YEARS A SLAVE.

Pink did a nice job with “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” Who knew she could sing without a trapeze? But that’s not the only song in WIZARD OF OZ. They could have featured “If I Only Had a Brain” and had John Travolta sing it.

Ellen came out dressed as Glinda the Good Witch. It was the first time anyone has ever seen her in a dress.

Where was Steven Spielberg to celebrate the achievements of his fellow artists? Oh right. He wasn’t nominated. Not there.

Bizarre moment of the night was Liza Minnelli hugging winner Lupita Nyong’o. Liza must’ve thought she was Diana Ross. Or her manicurist.

Jon said this about Tyler Perry: This is the first thing he’s presented that wasn’t Tyler Perry.

Anna Kendrick, Amy Adams, Kristen Bell, and Jennifer Lawrence were beyond stunning.

When Glenn Close started her preamble to the In Memoriam segment, she seemed so uncomfortable I thought she was introducing the writing categories.

I never understand why the audience applauds during the passing parade. It’s like when someone on Facebook posts that their mother just died and you click “like.”

How can the Academy say it’s too late to include Sarah Jones in the main body of tributes because she died two weeks ago and there was no time, yet Harold Ramis died a few days ago and he was included? Instead, they slipped her name in while going to break thus giving it the same reverence they give to promos for THE CHEW.

Bette Midler sang “Wind Beneath My Wings” but why? It was after the In Memoriam segment. This is supposed to be a solemn tribute not the 11:00 showstopper.

It still kills me that THE INVISIBLE WOMAN was nominated for Best Costume Design.

Harrison Ford is now too old to go on the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland.

Could Charlize Theron possibly look any more bored if she was at the Aetna Insurance Actuary of the Year Awards?

Goldie Hawn introduced 12 YEARS A SLAVE with a smile so big you’d think she was announcing the Powerball Lottery winner.

Spike Jonz won for Best Original Screenplay. If they writer who is suing him for plagiarism wins, does he get an Oscar too?

Oscar nominee Julie Delphy said the Academy was " 90 percent white men over 70 who need money because they haven't done anything in a long time.” Shockingly, she lost. The only person in America who picked her in his Oscar pool was John Travolta.

Kim Novak will always be identified with VERTIGO. First the movie, and now it’s what you get when you see all the face work she’s had done.

I was thrilled that Cate Blanchett won. But now that someone thanked Woody Allen again on an awards show, expect five more moral charges to surface.

As usual, the show ran way late. But hey, we needed to see a montage of cartoon characters, Bette Midler singing an oldie, nine Best Picture nominees (with seven being schmuck bait), Ellen taking pizza orders, Twitter updates, sketches of the new motion picture museum, meeting student filmmakers, going through Lupita Nyong’o purse, and the umpteenth salute to WIZARD OF OZ.

The post Oscar parties had to be more fun. I can just imagine John Travolta approaching one of the producers of 12 YEARS A SLAVE and saying: “So what is the movie about?”

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It all started with the Oscars

SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE had just beaten SAVING PRIVATE RYAN for film of the year. Steven Spielberg, who had already won Oscars for SCHINDLER’S LIST in every category except Best Animated Short was really pissed. And this was mere moments after he won another Oscar for directing SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (which was very well deserved, by the way). I thought it was a little ungracious. So I decided to write a humorous review of the ceremony, poke a bit of fun at Hollywood royalty, and email it to the hundred or so people in my address list.

The response was so positive that I did it again the following year. By then my list had grown to at least 104. I added the Emmys (talk about an easy target) and also goofy travelogues.

Once I compiled enough of these travelogues I investigated getting them all published as a book. The idea was met with zero interest. But one kindly editor said, “These are very funny and if Dave Barry had written them I’d publish them tomorrow. But no one knows who the fuck you are.”   (I ultimately published them myself and the hilarious Kindle version is only $3.99.)

So how do I become more well-known? First thought was a publicist until I saw what they charged. Yikes! I wanted a little higher visibility; I didn’t want to be Miley Cyrus so paying big money to get my name in the Long Beach Telegram a few times a year didn’t make sense. Nor did killing anybody or competing in the Winter Olympics.

Then my friend Howard suggested writing a blog. (This is beginning to sound like one of those old cigarette commercials. Then my priest said, “Hey, have you tried Viceroys?”)

A blog wouldn’t cost anything save for time. Who knows? It could lead to a big book deal, major speaking engagements, or taking over for Carson Daly (if not me than ANYBODY). Well, none of those things happened but the blog has been great fun to do -- now in its ninth year of daily posting. And it has gained some popularity (now 11,000,000+ visitors) – thanks in part to my annual Oscar review.

Anyway, tonight I shall once again review the Academy Awards.  So much suspense.  Will GRAVITY beat 12 YEARS A SLAVE and AMERICAN HUSTLE?  Will Ellen wear a dress?  Tomorrow morning the review will be up. 

Just think, if Steven Spielberg had only clapped when SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE won none of this would have happened.

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The first televised Oscars

The Oscars were first televised in 1953.  Bob Hope was the host.  Here's his opening monologue.  Most of the jokes are making fun of TV.   Return to the days when the Oscar ceremony was truly elegant and 3D glasses were a novelty.    Wait a minute -- they still are.  (The glasses, not the elegance.) 

As usual, I will be reviewing the Oscars Monday morning.

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The inside story of the Niles silent scene

A few years ago I ran a couple of Comedy Tests.  I would show classic sitcom scenes and get your reaction.   One was the classic David Hyde Pierce silent scene from FRASIER.  David Lee, the co-creator of FRASIER was nice enough to share the whole backstory of the DHP scene used as Comedy Test Part 2. For those who don't read the comments, I thought I'd repost it so everyone can see.

Thanks much, David.

Several thoughts from David Lee.

Prize goes to the poster who said it reminded him/her of Mr. Bean. I had recently been introduced to his work and loved a lot of it. I told DHP that I would like to do something like that for him on the show. Couldn't really come up with anything for a while (we didn't want to crib the "turkey on the head" bit,though that wasn't a concern of another sit-com on the air at the time. I do remember in the room having trouble breaking a Valentine story and hitting upon the idea of doing three short stories instead. Two of them involved every character except Niles, so the idea of something for him alone came up. Then the Mr. Bean thought, and then the fire idea. I remember distinctly that once we hit upon that, the details of it came together very, very quickly in the room.

Because of safety concerns, the scene was filmed without the usual studio audience. ( It was played to a studio audience later, and those are the laughs you hear). It also had to be done in bits and pieces. The problem is, when there is only one person on stage, what do you cut to? That's where the dog came in--not out of an attempt to be cutsie--but rather to be able to piece it all together.

And of course, as many have said, none of it would have worked without the brilliance of DHP. A wonder he is.

And to the poster who wondered who would make all those mistakes with an iron, fire extinguisher and cleaning materials: how about someone who never or seldom uses them?
A side note now that my memory has been shaken: This was the episode that caused a showdown with the network. We had been complaining that they were giving away plot points and great jokes in their promos for quite awhile, and we knew that every promo would for this episode would be nothing but flames galore. So we did not deliver this piece of it until the day of broadcast. Apoplectic, they were. Lawsuits threatened, even. But they finally came up with a better promo that said something like "The producers of Frasier think this episode is so special, they won't even let us see it."

Now back to my couch.

Once again, thanks to David Lee for posting this originally in the comments section. Check out the comments, folks. They're often times better than the posts.

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