F**k Yes or No

Read a great article by Mark Manson called “Fuck Yes or No.” He contends that relationships, dating, and mating dances need not be as complicated as they are. Basically you just eliminate all the grey areas and being in relationships where one partner is less enthused than the other. You say goodbye to all the intrigue and drama of trying to persuade someone to date you, sleep with you, marry you, buy your book about growing up in the ‘60s.

I’m distilling the article down to just a couple of paragraphs. But the gist is that if someone is not into you they never will be so move on. And if you’re not really into someone move on as well. So when you’re deciding about somebody your choices are “Fuck yes!” or “No.” Blow off all the game playing, arbitrary rules, etc.

The article, especially the way Mr. Manson details it, makes great sense. His arguments are logical, reasonable, and sound.  I wish I had read it while I was in college.  God, the years of therapy it would have saved me.

The only problem with "Fuck Yes or No" is for writers. On CHEERS we’d have no Sam & Diane if they followed this advice. If we couldn’t have mind fucking, power struggles, game playing, shifting attractions, illogical decisions, indecisions, hurt feelings, anger, embarrassment, misunderstandings, and aftershave jokes we’d have no show.

Same goes for all romantic comedies. Imagine Aaron Sorkin characters not over-thinking every molecule of their relationships. Or just watching Pam and Jim for a half hour each week answering phones and trying to drum up new business. If “Fuck Yes or No” was practiced on THE MINDY PROJECT there would just be thirty minutes of Mindy mugging (not to mention the problem this would cause ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY radio on Sirius/XM if they couldn’t speculate on her love life for six hours a day).

For us writers, messiness, conflict, damaged egos, lying, false expectations, and lovers making asses of themselves is the oxygen we breathe. In our world bad sex is good sex. For artistic purposes life is still High School. For Mr. Manson’s REAL world life is Costco.

What do you guys think?

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My day as Robert Osborne

Yesterday, I talked about getting the amazing opportunity to host this month’s Friday Night Spotlight series on Neil Simon for TCM. Today I'll talk about the hard part – having to actually do it.

The plan was to fly into Atlanta on a Tuesday, tape the wraparounds for all seventeen movies on Wednesday, and then fly home on Thursday.  I was given a per diem, but in Confederate dollars. 

Since the Simon tribute is over five Friday nights I had to bring wardrobe changes. I didn’t want to be like Lori Greiner on SHARK TANK who, for all her millions, seems to have only two dresses. I assembled a suit, several sports jackets, lots of slacks, seven shirts, and eight ties. I boarded the plane with a giant garment bag and asked the flight attendant to please hang it for me. She said, “Are you going away for two weeks?” I said, “No, two days. I have trouble making decisions.”

Got to Atlanta and it was 20 degrees. Hot-lanta my ass.

The next day was driven out to the studio somewhere in the suburbs. I kept looking for Tara. Never found it. The first thing I noticed was that the craft-services table was way better stocked than most sitcoms.  Southern hospitality exists!

I took great pains to pack so there’d be a minimum of wrinkles. But much to my delight, they had a wardrobe person who had an iron and a steamer. This was way more first class than I’m used to. A makeup person was also provided, which was helpful because I’m terrible at applying my own makeup.

Was led out to the set, which was just a cool blue backdrop. There were two cameras and a crew of about twenty. I have no idea what ten of them were doing. But they all looked busy.

I had done on-camera work on baseball games, but I had never used a teleprompter. This is an acquired skill. The words scroll down and you have to read them but not look like you’re reading them. You have to seem conversational. And your eyes can’t dart back and forth.

I’ll never say anything bad about Ryan Seacrest again.

But my feeling was that as long as I could see it I was essentially just reading radio copy, and I’ve done that for years. The teleprompter is attached to the front of the camera so when you’re reading it you’re staring right into the lens and making direct eye contact with the viewer. Offstage, an operator adjusts the speed with which the text scrolls. Your first impulse is to speed up for fear that the sentence will be gone before you get to read it. But with a good operator (and this woman was fabulous), they adjust to your speed. So if you slow up, they slow up. It took me a few intros to really get comfortable with this process.   Still, I couldn't dawdle.   I had a ton of info packed into each intro and outro and a limited amount of time to deliver it. 

The director explained the plan. Camera one would start wide and slowly push in. At one point in the middle of my intro I was to shift my feet and turn to camera two, who would also start fairly wide. Okey dokey. Camera one was told to get into its first position. It backed way up. But remember, the teleprompter is on the front of the camera. Once it reached its starting position the teleprompter became the size of a postage stamp.

HOLY SHIT!

Thank goodness I had written the script. I was able to make out enough of the words to figure out what I was trying to say. But it was tricky. Especially at first. It’s not good form to be squinting. As the day went on I got better.

I was also very aware that all eyes were on me. Like I said, there were twenty crew members, and I know the drill. The more I screw up; the longer everyone has to stay. Fortunately, everybody was incredibly nice, supportive, and fun to be with. If I ever get another sitcom I want to steal half of them (even though I don’t know what some of them do).

Now everybody screws up. Actors go up on lines all the time. The director yells cut, they have to reset, re-slate, and do another take. Still, it’s a little embarrassing to screw up your own name in front of an entire crew.

But things ran pretty smoothly, thanks in large part to the crew. Every few wraparounds I would change outfits. (It doesn’t take that long, Lori. You really should do it.). And in about five hours we were done.

All in all, it was a spectacular experience. My sincere thanks to Anne Wilson and everyone at TCM for giving me this extraordinary opportunity. And best of all, I love that I can share these Neil Simon movies with everybody. His work has inspired and guided me throughout my career. I often re-read Neil Simon plays just to be reminded of how to do it right and what to strive for. That I’m the one who gets to introduce these movies to an audience of longtime fans who relish them, and hopefully a large number of younger viewers who are being exposed to his brilliance for the first time is a true blessing. I hope you’ll join me this Friday and every Friday this month. And again, I can say that because I didn’t look fat.

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How I got to be a TCM host

Now that my TCM intros have begun airing, thought I’d share with you the process. A few quick points:

At least I didn’t look fat.

Yes, that’s my real hair color. I’ve never dyed my hair. No. Really.

Oops. They misspelled FRASIER, but that will be corrected for this Friday.

I think my best work Friday night was the outro to COME BLOW YOUR HORN, which aired at 2:00 AM in the East. Next week I hope to do my best work earlier.

So how did this come about? I had written a tribute piece to Neil Simon last May. He truly is one of my idols, and if you’re a young comedy writer you NEED to read and learn from his work. I guess some folks at TCM are fans of this blog because when they were looking for someone to host the film festival someone over there thought of me. Having been a screenwriter and playwright myself helped I’m sure, as did the fact that I called baseball games on TV and have been on camera (don’t tell anybody that it’s been quite a few years though). In any event, when they approached me I was thrilled and honored. This was probably early fall.

Do I actually know Neil Simon? Yes, and mostly no. I was at the 20th Century Fox commissary one day having lunch with Larry Gelbart and he walked in. He joined us for about ten minutes. But we really connected during those ten minutes. Or was it five? And then about ten/twelve years ago we both worked out at the same gym and I would see him every week. (I’ll pause while you do your jokes about writers going to a gym.) He was casting a play, I recommended one of the actors from ALMOST PERFECT, Matthew Letscher. He ended up going with Matt and was thrilled with the result (natch). So Neil was very grateful and we would chat from time to time.

I wonder if Neil watched any of the Friday Night Spotlight last Friday, saw me, and said, “Hey, that’s the schmuck from the gym!”  A guy can dream. 

TCM began assembling the films. They asked if I had any favorites I wanted included and I did. THE HEARTBREAK KID (original version -- the new version sucks). It wasn’t originally on their schedule but they procured it. Once the line-up was finalized they sent me DVD’s of all seventeen selected films. So I had my own Neil Simon festival in September.  (You should've stopped by.)  I reread his memoirs and tracked down facts about the various movies. I was also encouraged to offer personal reflections and anecdotes.

I then worked with a terrific TCM producer, Anne Wilson, and together we wrote the scripts for the intros and outros.

I tried to fill them with interesting facts, stories you might not have heard, a look into the creative process, an opinion or two, and you know me – some cheap laughs.

I was doing all of this while my play A OR B? was in rehearsals and previews at the Falcon Theatre so I was crafting the TCM wraparounds while rewriting the play each night. Oh, and writing the blog. It was a busy time. My Tetris scores suffered terribly.

The play’s run ended mid November and two days later I was on a plane to Atlanta to tape them.

TOMORROW: The actual taping.

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Travel Tips for winter

Traveling is a nightmare anyway, but during the winter it gets even worse. But fear not, blog faithful. Here are some suggestions for winter air travel:

Check the weather forecast. If it’s not 72 degrees and clear EVERYWHERE in the United States, reschedule.

Do not call the airline for a weather update. You’ll learn it’s cool and overcast in New Delhi.

Allow two hours before the flight, ten hours for the tarmac, two hours for the unscheduled fuel stop, and two hours to retrieve your luggage. And if you’re flying from LA to San Francisco, 45 minutes for the flight itself.

If you print your ticket on one of those self-help stations realize that the chances of it working are the same as five cherries coming up on a slot machine.

Best to print your ticket at home the night before along with the flight schedules of every other airline going to your destination, airport shuttle schedules, Amtrak schedules, and the 1-800 numbers for Ramada, Holiday Inn, Hilton, Marriott, Quality Inn, Best Western, and the YMCA.

Never turn in your rental car until it’s the final boarding call on your flight.

Never fly to, from, or around Chicago.

Always use skycaps. And if you choose to ever see your luggage again, tip.

Remember: “the white zones are for assholes in SUV’s only”.

You are allowed several little three-ounce bottles of something but not one three-and-a-half-ounce bottle of the same thing.

You might want to put that Astroglide into a nondescript little bottle.

Don't book connecting flights in the winter, even in Hawaii.

Don't buy furniture off the Sky Mall.

Don’t have children if you plan on flying anytime in the next fifteen years. Even if it’s one trip.

If they announce they’re overbooked and are looking for volunteers to take a later plane for free trips take it. The flight is going to be cancelled anyway. And you’ll have a jump at getting reservations at the airport Hilton.

Have your laptop, ipod, cellphone, iphone, Gameboy, Blackberry, camcorder, transistor radio, electric razor, hand held fan, and pacemaker fully charged. Ten hours on the tarmac is a long time.

Upgrade.

Before you get on the flight take Airbourne, water, Xanex, Oscillococcinum, Clariton, Ambien, and tequila.

Fake a limp so you can pre-board and guarantee there will be room in the overhead compartments for your stuff.

Bring your own DVD’s, music selection, food, blankets, pillows, reading light, water, magazines, newspapers, coffee, toilet paper. And just to be on the safe side, your own oxygen masks and floatation devices.

But it’s not a good time to catch up on the first season of LOST.

Play the drinking game. Take a swig every time you hear “we apologize for the inconvenience”. Not recommended for those unwilling to get completely shitfaced.

Drinking game #2: “We thank you for your patience.”

Don’t kid yourself. EVERYONE is flying “stand by”.

The scary part used to be the landing. Now it’s pushing off from the gate.

Beware of free WIFI hotspots in airport terminals. Hackers use these to break into your computer. Not a joke.

It’s quieter and smoother in the front of the plane. And screw what they say, if you’re in Coach and you want to use the bathroom go to the ones in First Class.

And finally, always remember: it’s NEVER the airlines' fault. It’s the weather, air traffic controllers, mechanical problems, baggage handler strike, FAA rules, homeland security, airport restrictions, lawmakers, the billy goat curse, lunar eclipses, and most of all -- the media.

This is a re-post from six years ago.  Unfortunately, nothing's changed.

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Product Placement '50s style

Product placement is hardly new. Back in the '50s sponsors were incorporating their products into shows on a regular basis. Here's an example from MAKE ROOM FOR DADDY starring Danny Thomas. Notice how artfully they work in the commercial. If you weren't paying strict attention, why, you'd never even know.

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Friday Questions

Well, tonight’s the night. I debut on TCM this evening hosting the Neil Simon film festival. 8 PM in the east, 5 PM in the west. THE ODD COUPLE, THE OUT OF TOWNERS, and COME BLOW YOUR HORN tonight. I haven’t seen any of my intros so I can only hope I don’t come off like Ralph Kramden selling “Chef of the Future” kitchen widgets on TV.

In the meantime, how about some Friday Questions?

Becky has a pair – a twofer on the 2nd.

I've heard that acting drunk is a difficult skill to master. Some of the best I've seen are Jenna Fischer on The Office and Dick Van Dyke. Who are your fave boozers a la screen?

It is hard because most actors make the mistake of playing fall down drunk – staggering around, slurring their words, etc. There used to be a comedian named Foster Brooks whose entire act was doing this. He was very funny but it was the ‘60s when there was much less sensitivity to those who had alcohol-related issues.

The key to playing funny drunk is having the character play against it. They’re trying to appear that they’re not intoxicated and telltale signs only leak out.

The actors you mentioned would be high on my list too along with Shelley Long. David Isaacs and I wrote a first season episode of CHEERS called “Truce or Consequences” where Carla gets Diane sloshed. Shelley played it so Diane never lost her dignity despite being in an unfamiliar inebriated state. It’s one of my favorite episodes and it’s all because of Shelley.

I just started a writing job (in a very different field than TV/ Movies) and am terrified every day that I'm a fraud. Did you ever feel this way and if so, how did you fake (and ultimately develop) your writing confidence? My sponsor says vodka is not an option.

Becky, here’s the dirty little secret – ALL writers are terrified that they’re frauds. And worse, they’ll be exposed for the frauds they are. So you’re in good company. You just have to suppress it.

Experience helps a lot. Knowing how to deal with certain writing problems because you’ve encountered them before instills a confidence that you can overcome hurdles.

Positive feedback is also very helpful. It’s comforting to know you’re on the right track.

But at the end of the day it’s the struggle between believing in yourself vs. your insecurity. And you just have to fight through it.

The good news is that most of us are not frauds.

Scott asks:

Is it okay for a writer to recycle his own ideas, even if they were already used on another series or film? Is there an ethical problem with it? For example, a friend has a 16mm print of a 1960s series titled HEY LANDLORD. The episode in question, written by Garry Marshall and Jerry Belson, was recycled over a decade later on LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY, even to the point of carrying over a lot of the dialogue. If it's your script (and in this case I believe it was Marshall and Belson's series), is there a problem with reusing parts of it elsewhere, even if you're just reusing a few of the jokes?

As long as the writer is recycling his OWN material I see no problem with it. Especially if the material was first used in a project that is now no longer distributed. I’ve heard Broadway composers talk about reusing songs they wrote for shows that died quick deaths. But again, the key is that you are the author.

You mentioned Jerry Belson. He was one of the funniest people I have ever met in my life. He and partner Garry also created the TV version of THE ODD COUPLE. On CHEERS, Jerry came in once a week to help us punch up scripts. He’d usually contribute one or two of the best jokes of the show.

A couple of times though, he pitched a joke, and when the Charles Brothers didn’t put it in Jerry would say, “Hey, it got a big laugh on THE ODD COUPLE.” We all would say, “Jerry, why would you pitch a joke from another show?” to which he would answer with a twinkle, “What’s gone before is good too.”

Also on CHEERS – there were times when good jokes were cut for time and we’d put them in later scripts. The cast would say, “Hey, didn’t we do this joke?” We had to remind them that it never aired.

I have to admit, I’m currently writing a play and I included a joke I first wrote for an episode of THE TONY RANDALL SHOW in 1976. If MeTV ever starts airing THE TONY RANDALL SHOW I’m fucked.

And finally, from Tim Rifenburg:

In an episode of Cheers they had Robert Urich as a guest star when Woody was trying to be an actor. Since they kept mentioning Spenser For Hire and Urich's role in it, I was wondering if there was any push back from the Network. I know they aired it but I was wondering if there was any concern about promoting another network's show. It made sense from a story point since Spenser did some filming and pick ups in and around the Boston area.

There was a time when you were never allowed to mention a show from another network. Same with products. You could never identify a competitive product. It always had to be “Brand X.”

I think the lines got blurred because of late night talk shows. Johnny Carson would talk about NBC and eventually their competition. Guests who were in series on one network would go on competing networks to plug their movies.

And when networks wanted to show sports highlights they had to credit the network that aired the event originally.  So you heard "CBS" on NBC and vice versa. 

Eventually all networks relaxed the restriction. Yes, we sort of plugged an ABC show but somewhere down the line an ABC show plugged an NBC series.

Audiences also got more savvy. It’s like, who are they kidding with Brand X? Or that a show is on “another” network. We all know what that network is. Why not just say it?

What’s your question? Hope you’ll join me tonight on… that certain cable network that shows movies uncut and commercial free.

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My New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year!

Here are my New Year’s resolutions:

Host movies on TCM. 

Finally watch THE WIRE.

Get ALMOST PERFECT on Netflix or Hulu.

Go to the gym at least twice a week. (My gym is usually packed in January and by March it’s me and two other guys.)

Stay off the 405 freeway when it’s crowded (so only take it between 2-4 AM).

Visit my friend in Walla Walla.

Get more productions of A OR B?

Meet Claire Danes.

Learn to do an accent in my improv class.

Direct more episodes that my daughter and her partner write.

See a Broadway show I wish I had written.

Go somewhere in the world I've never been.

Recover from the jet lag.

Watch and listen to as much Vin Scully as I possibly can.

Finish writing my new play.

Learn what half the features on my car are.

Not piss off the North Koreans.

Continue to support the WGA’s Foundation.

Give DOWNTON ABBEY one final chance.

Champion strict gun control.

Get a humor piece in the NEW YORKER.

Get a cartoon in the NEW YORKER.

Avoid the incredibly tasty fried chicken wings at the Hamburger Hamlet (now that it has reopened).

Keep Tetris playing down to three hours a day.

Answer more Friday Questions (which I'll be able to do if I keep the previous resolution).

Clean my desk (a perennial resolution but this year for sure!)

And finally, solve the Natalie Wood case.

Let's see how many I keep.  What are your resolutions?

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