Prime rib only $1.25

How’s this for a deal?

There’s a famous restaurant in Los Angeles (and now a few other places) called Lawry’s. It specializes in prime rib. Even if you’re vegan you gotta try this prime rib. A clogged artery or two is a small price to pay for a slab of this he-man delicacy. Lawry’s is an LA institution like the Hollywood sign and silicone breasts. The prime rib is cut at your table. Don’t worry though. You don’t have to pick out your cow. But it is sliced to your specifications and accompanied by Yorkshire pudding, potatoes, and a great salad that’s tossed in a spinning bowl. Lettuce is so much better spun. Needless to say, Lawry’s is an “event” place. You’re not going to swing by there for a light bite. Following their meal, satisfied customers are usually rolled out to their cars.

You may also have heard of Lawry’s because the week before the Rose Bowl they invite both teams to engage in “the Beef Bowl.” Now they’re all just fed a hearty meal. Years ago there was an actual competition to see which team could eat the most. But after they finished off the entire cattle population of Montana one year, the owners decided to scale back. Still, it’s a shining example of gluttony.

You also may know Lawry’s from their seasoned salt.

Lawry’s turns 75 this month. And how’s this for a celebration? Tomorrow , the original Lawry’s on La Cienega will offer prime rib at the same 1938 price: From 11 a.m. to 3 p.m., the first 1,000 customers pay $1.25 for the "Lawry cut" prime rib with Yorkshire pudding, mashed potatoes and a "Spinning Bowl" salad.  You can't beat that offer!

No reservations. Start lining up now.

But it brings up the question: What would you stand in a long line for? What would you pull an all-nighter for?

When I was in college I pulled all-nighters every year to get basketball season tickets in the students section. Tickets came to twenty-five cents per game, we sat at center court, and it was UCLA. We won the National Championship every year I was there. So that I felt was worth sitting on a cold sidewalk for nine hours with two thousand other totally drunk vomiting Bruins.

But standing in line for movie openings makes no sense to me. A concert, perhaps. A one-time only event, sure. But a movie is a one-time every two hours event. Instead of waiting in line for twenty-four hours on Thursday night, take a half day off of work and go Monday morning. You walk right into the theater and choose between the four hundred empty seats. It’s the same Superman.

I know there’s the “event” factor, fans want to see it first, and there’s a real party atmosphere. I love that people dress in costumes --for the Triumph the Insult Comic Dog interviews alone.

But that brings up a second question (or sub question to the first question): I wore a Superman cape… when I was six. At what age is that no longer appropriate, even under the influence of alcohol? I’m going to take a wild stab and say if you’re thirty-five and wearing a Superman cape in public you damn well better BE Superman.

When I was in Cleveland last year with the Mariners people were lined around the block at 1:00 a.m. to get into a new casino. That was nuts. Folks waiting hours just to lose their money.

And the madness continues. People start lining up for Black Friday sales on Tuesday now. What happens is the first six get giant flatscreen TV’s for fifteen dollars, and the rest are just fucked. Are the other deals really THAT stupendous? Enough that it’s worth living on the street in the cold of November and missing Thanksgiving (although missing Thanksgiving could be the perk depending on your family)?

For me, it’s bad enough there are long lines I have to stand in – TSA security, immigration, anything at the post office. So I won’t be joining you tomorrow at Lawry’s. I find it so much easier to just be super charming and have someone treat me to dinner. Of course then I might have to put out.

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What to get Dad for Fathers Day

Dad's are always tough to shop for.  How many ties, and tools, and Tiger Woods commemorative plates can you buy him?   How many shirts, and socks, and lawn gnomes?  Well, this year I have the answer.  A handsome paperback (or Kindle or audio download) of my book, THE ME GENERATION... BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE '60s).  Yes, this is a shameless plug but you'll notice no Google Ads ever appear along the side.

Seriously, it's a fun, nostalgic trip back to a decade that Dad actually understands.   And the cover is real colorful.   If you order now you'll have it in plenty of time for the big day (next Sunday).  So tell your father you love him... or all is forgiven... or you still have issues but let's just get through the day by ordering your copy here.  And it's cheap!

As further incentive, I'm re-posting my book trailer (which I have no idea has helped me sell a single book but it's amusing).    Thanks, everybody! 

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In the spirit of Tony revivals...

...here are highlights from my past Tony reviews. I won’t be reviewing them this year because they’re tape delayed and I don’t want to stay up until 4:00 writing a review of a show that only I saw. But I love the Tony’s and if you do too, here are excerpts from my previous snarky reviews to get in the mood.

Usually I say the Tonys are the only award show where no one thanks their wives. This year, with THE BOOK OF MORMON there was the chance that winners would thank many wives. But not so. That would require Mormons to actually be involved.

This year we had JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR, GODSPELL, THE BOOK OF MORMON, and LEAP OF FAITH. Don’t producers know that JEWS are the people who go to the theater? What’s next? A Mel Gibson one-man show?

The theater community was thrilled and relieved when Audra McDonald finally won for lead actress. Her four other Tonys were just for supporting actress. Highlight of her speech was saying it was an honor to get raped by Philip Boykin every night.

How nice to have an awards show where the “Harvey” they’re saluting is Fierstein not Weinstein.

For the first time in the 65-year history of the Tony Awards, they waited a full two hours before the Sondheim tribute number.

My delightfully caustic daughter, Annie and her writing partner, Jon Emerson are also contributing this year. Annie (during the JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR number): “That musical has had more revivals than Jesus.”

Sick joke alert but I laughed: When Tyne Daly was introducing the In Memoriam segment and saying the theater lost many great people this year, Jon chimed in with, “Yeah, and half the cast of SPIDERMAN”.

Very happy that Nina Arianda won even though you’re saying who is she and what did she win for?

I always find in unnerving to see a Judy Garland impersonator who isn’t a man.

The Tonys are only once a year in the summer so you can understand why CBS continues to air them despite so little interest. I mean it’s not like it’s a weekly series about Broadway. What network would be crazy enough to have one of those, spend big bucks on it, and then renew it? Even NBC couldn’t be that foolish, could they?

The production numbers are always more fun at the Macy's Parade where they do the same thing but in 20 degree weather. If I don't see steam coming out of mouths I'm not as transported.

Christina Applegate, with her short blond hair and tight green dress looked like Tinkerbell while her co-presenter, Neil Patrick Harris looked like Peter Pan. Neil is maybe the only male who could ever play that part.

Julie White won the TONY for “Best Impersonation of a Harriet Harris” performance. She was very funny in THE LITTLE DOG LAUGHED.

As usual, off stage announcer, Randy Thomas, was smooth and flawless. I want to win just so someday I could hear her say my name (and maybe plug my book).

Mandy Patinkin and Patti LaPone were presenters together. That’s like Godzilla and Mothra on the same stage. There must be teeth marks on every piece of backstage scenery at the Beacon and three neighboring theaters.

Good luck to all the nominees. May the best man, or man playing woman, or woman playing man, or woman win.

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Weekend odds and ends...

Fragments of ideas and miscellaneous observations...

Does anyone else think James Taylor looks like Matt Weiner?

The big problem Hollywood has always had with Superman is making him relevant and cool. I don’t think they help their cause by putting him in a fucking Carls Jr. fast food burger commercial.

Went to the Dodgers-Braves game Thursday night. Yasiel Puig, the 20 year-old Dodger sensation from Ricky Ricardo's hometown hit his first grand slam. So many amazing things that night:

1. The kid’s first grand slam.
2. They were already selling his jersey in the gift shop.
3. Paula Abdul lectured the crowd on prostate problems. Maybe she thought she had one.
4. The Dodgers gave out bobbleheads of the Braves radio announcer. (Okay, it was former Dodger pitcher, Don Sutton).

I was hoping Michael Douglas would have been there to tell Dodger fans (and especially Steve Garvey) about the dangers of… you know.

Remind me to call Obama to see if I have any phone messages.

Actual HuffPost Headline:  50 Cent agrees to pee in girl's mouth.   That makes me so proud to be a contributing writer. 

The TV GUIDE channel – TVGN, will begin showing CHEERS this summer. Consult TV Guide to see if (a) TV GUIDE still exists, and (b) what the hell is the TV GUIDE channel? 

Great line from SOPRANOS creator, David Chase: “I was not a super TV watcher since I discovered drinking.”

Great Facebook line from writer Dave Hackel: My DVR is completely filled with episodes of "Hoarders."


R.I.P. Esther Williams at 91. She did all these swimming musicals. Fanny Brice once said: “Wet, she’s a star. Dry, she ain’t.” Those who knew Ms. Williams said she was a sweetheart, wet or dry.

I won’t be reviewing the Tony’s because no one watches the Tony’s. But I’m sure Neil Patrick Harris will be a great host and the first opening number will have a Michael Douglas joke.

Groundling vets/successful writers Robin Schiff & Wendy Goldman are holding another Improv for Writers workshop this summer. Great way to tap into your creativity. Here’s where you go for info.

I saw BODY HEAT again recently. What a sexy, steamy movie. Only thing is – if Kathleen Turner's character was so rich she lived in a big mansion, how come she didn’t spring for air conditioning?

Bill Drake, arguably the most influential man in radio in the '60s and '70s (back when being influential in radio meant something) agreed to a lengthy and totally candid interview with fellow radio genius, Ron Jacobs.   The result is mind blowing (as they said in the '60s and two years of the '70s) and the transcript is now available in ebook form.   Check it out.

TV critics already hate this year’s pilots.

Happy birthday to Sam Simon and my brother Corey. Okay, Sam’s was two days ago. I don’t check Facebook every twelve seconds.

But on a somber note: Sam Simon is very ill. Please join me in passing along prayers and best wishes to this very caring and special man. Just recently he purchased an entire circus so he could set the animals free. How truly remarkable is that?

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Friday Questions

Time for Friday Questions. The theme this week seems to be stars.

Ryan asks:

Frasier's first wife, the children's entertainer "Nanny G," was played by Emma Thompson on an episode of Cheers, then by Laurie Metcalf on an episode of Frasier years later. Would you happen to know if any attempt was made to get Thompson to reprise the role?

Yes. Ms. Thompson was unavailable. I will say it was a great thrill to work with her on CHEERS. She’s as incredibly nice as she is Oscar awarded.

Laurie Metcalf was one of the very few people who could replace her.  She was great in FRASIER, but it wasn't the same.  I couldn't ask her what Kenneth Branagh was really like.  

VP81955 wants to know:

Ken, in the old days of the studio system, places such as Paramount and MGM had rather palatial dressing rooms for their stars under contract. Those days are long since gone, of course, as all film stars are independent contractors -- but I'm wondering if such rooms now house stars on TV series, particularly those that have proven to be hits.

First of all, let me make it clear I wasn’t born during those glory days of the studios.

Generally speaking, those lavish dressing rooms have been converted to offices. When David Isaacs and I were at Paramount we had our own bungalow, which used to be Judd Hirsch’s dressing room during TAXI. You can usually tell if it’s a former dressing room because there’s a shower in the bathroom. And there’s a bathroom.

I don’t know what accommodations are made for big movie stars today – I don’t know what Julia Roberts or R2D2 get – but I’m sure they’re nicer than all of our homes.

Some TV stars just prefer giant trailers. You can really trick out those babies these days.

I tried to stay out of stars’ dressing rooms. When I was invited it was usually because they had problems with the script.

From Adam Hauck:

I had a dream the other night that I was at a bowling alley and all of a sudden David Schramm enters. He seems like a nice guy (I'm a big Wings fan).

This got me wondering if you have any good (or even mediocre) stories about him. Also if he really is a nice guy like in my dream, lol.

What were you eating before going to sleep?

For the record, David Schramm played the boorish (and hilarious) Roy on WINGS. You’ll be happy to know he’s the nicest guy in the world. A few years ago I did a reading of my play in New York and asked David to do one of the starring roles. He lives on the east coast now. Two things I remember: He read it cold in rehearsal and got every single laugh. Then during the performance that night he was even better. The man's a natural comedian.  Secondly, he had no email address. Like I said, that was a few years ago so things might’ve changed, but at the time he was (and maybe still is) the only person I know who doesn’t have an email account. So he’s a tad eccentric that way. But I love him and would work with him again in a second. Assuming I could reach him.

Carson asks:

I've been watching Cheers again on Netflix. I've found that the Woody centered episodes are my least favorite. Nothing against Woody Harrelson, but the character just seems so two dimensional that's it's hard to have him carry an episode. Even the Woody centered episode of Frasier is not a favorite of mine. What are your thoughts?

I have to respectfully disagree. Some of my favorite CHEERS episodes are the ones with him and Kelly. Their wedding episode is a series highlight.

I didn’t love the FRASIER that Woody guested on. It was a hard week with a lot of rewriting. I’ll leave it at that.

And finally, from leemats:

I recently learned that some cable shows have "partial contracts" for their actors. (I'm not sure what the actual term is.) For example, Jon Hamm is contracted for all 13 episodes of a Mad Men season, but some members of the cast may only appear in 10 or so.

Has this been going on for a while?

Yes.  Years and years.  They’re generally called recurring characters and will be signed for 8 out of 13 or 10 out of 13 (whatever is negotiated). Not having an actor under contract for the full order can save the studio money but it’s a gamble. If that actor does get a series regular spot elsewhere he can often take it (depending on the terms of each individual contract). Alison Brie has a recurring role on MAD MEN (as Pete’s wife Trudy) but she also became a series regular on COMMUNITY (as Annie).

Anything you’d like to know?  Just ask me in the comments section I'll be in my dressing room.

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For my consideration...

For members of the TV Academy, this is the best time of year. Because this is when we get all the screener DVD’s for shows that hope to be considered for primetime Emmys.

Every day I eagerly check the mail and there are envelopes and boxes containing specials, documentaries, the best episodes of series, mini-series, British series, sometime complete series, and about three dozen programs no one has ever heard of much less seen.

It’s always such a treat despite the fact that I could probably find every single one of them either on Netflix or Hulu or On Demand or the net or my DVR. Still! They’re in my hand. They’re beautifully packaged. And every year there are at least six of these shows I had been meaning to watch but never did. Now I do. And I’m usually rewarded for my efforts. That’s how I discovered DOWNTON ABBEY (although I wasn’t rewarded this year. Ugh!)  

And some channels I don’t get on my cable system so this is my only exposure to their fare. There’s a REELZ network?  I get six Korean channels but no REELZ network. 

The one stipulation is that I not distribute these DVD's to anybody and I dutifully comply. How stupid to get thrown into prison for giving my gardener the HAPPILY DIVORCED DVD? (Of course, the truth is my gardener wouldn’t take the HAPPILY DIVORCED DVD.)

Every year I am mystified by some of the series that submit screeners. Without naming names, they have to KNOW there is no way on God’s green earth that their crappy shows would EVER be nominated for ANYTHING. Why waste the money? Spend it instead on a decent writer. I leaf through some of the entries and howl with laughter (then take out my scissors and cut them in half).

Pretty safe rules: If your show was cancelled after two airings you’re not going to beat MAD MEN for Best Drama. If your cable sitcom has never been nominated in the six years it’s been on the air, it won’t get nominated now. Elaborate packaging does not make jokes funnier.

I also wonder why some shows that are heavily serialized don’t give you the entire series if, in fact, they’re serious. Yes, each episode starts with the PREVIOUSLY ON…. recap. But if you’re not that familiar with the show or characters those things never make sense. You’re saying, “Huh? Who’s that? She’s going to get even with who? Where are we?” I’m especially surprised Netflix only gave out five selected episodes of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. Huh???  From what I hear, it’s next to impossible to follow this year’s storyline if you watch every episode. Watching random segments would make my head explode.

But at the end of the day, I’m just grateful to be receiving these screeners at all. As the saying goes beggers can’t be choosers although in this case we are. And I have nominated quite a few shows and artists I would not have otherwise had I not seen their screener.  This year it's HOUSE OF CARDS.  They sent the entire season and I am now sooo hooked.  I'll be voting for it in several categories. 

Look, the Emmys are not a just system. Deserving shows and people get stiffed while other lesser-works get nominated solely for their reputation. But the picks are getting better. Would the wondrous Margo Martindale have won her Emmy for JUSTIFIED without screeners? I highly doubt it. So for that reason alone it’s a worthy practice. Now please, PBS, send me the Carole King Gershwin Award special.

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Coming this Fall

As a former showrunner of new shows, one of my constant battles was with the network promotion department. The network never aired enough promos of our show to suit me. I’m sure all showrunners say this (except maybe the WHITNEY guys two years ago – I’m surprised NBC isn’t still promoting it even after canceling it).

And when networks do run your promo, in which show do they air it in? Getting a pop on THE VOICE is way better than SAVE ME. Every new comedy on ABC wants exposure on MODERN FAMILY, not MALIBU COUNTRY. And of course promoting your show on Saturday night is like someone making announcements in an empty theater.

Also, do you get a :30 second promo or :10? Do you get your own promo or are you just lumped in with the rest of that night’s lineup? (although the Sunday night promo ABC did last year was smashing!)

Now at least there are promos and trailers of all the new shows on network websites. So if there’s a particular show you’re curious about you don’t have to wait for ABC to run a promo in HOW TO LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS. But the big “get” is the new viewer, the one unaware of your show. And still the best exposure is over the air (at least for now).  

One of the reasons why networks soo overpay to carry NFL football is that (a) the games attract viewers who don’t normally watch your network, and (b) viewers are watching a live sporting event so they can’t fast forward through the commercials.  They’ll actually see your promo.

Getting your new show noticed is even harder today because there is such a glut of them. So many networks, so many shows, so many staggered premiers. In the old days (when dinosaurs ruled the earth and Joan Rivers had her original face) we waited all summer with great anticipation for the new TV season. We lived for the promos. In late summer the networks (only three of them back then and fire was still a new concept) would stage special preview shows where they screened clips of all their new series. These specials generally were the highest rated shows of the week. NBC called their premier period NBC WEEK and sent out souvenir booklets. I wrote away for one every year. The day it arrived was always a big day (and yes, I had no life). I would guess that more people sent away for that booklet in 1965 than actually watch NBC today.

Exactly what the network chooses to show in the promo is another bone of contention. They tend to give away plot surprises and feature jokes that make no sense out of context. Yes, they got big laughs but you have to know who the characters are and what the set up was. Promo people often see that a certain joke got the biggest laugh and use it. How many times have you seen a promo and gone “Huh? What the fuck was that?”

Sadly, the trend in hyping sitcoms today is to showcase the most crass jokes they can find. On my shows I tend to be very sparing on low road jokes. Every so often one will feel appropriate to the scene or situation and I’ll let it go, but I always cringe when I see it on the air and always kick myself for not cutting it. I like to be proud of my work and I’m not proud of those easy laughs. And then when the network zeroes in on those jokes I really feel mortified. (Somehow I imagine producers of certain shows don't share my guilt over going with a cheap vagina joke.)

Pilots are incredibly hard to do well. You have to establish the premise, introduce the characters, tell a story, set the tone, and be funny – all in 22 minutes. Now imagine trying to accomplish all that when you only have :30 seconds. This is one of the big reasons why networks like to stack their new shows with established stars. You may not know what the show is about but Michael J. Fox is in it.

God forbid you don’t have an established name at the forefront of your series. Although the breakout hit shows generally feature new discoveries, networks prefer the safety of Will Arnett and Brad Garrett. So the star-driven shows will get more promos and hype. You may have a better show without stars but you’ll have a tougher go of things.

To a certain extent, the tail has always wagged the dog. How easily a show can be promoted is a major consideration for getting picked up. But hey, it’s like that in features too. I pitched a comedy screenplay once and the executive asked, “what are five great trailer moments?” Nothing about the story or characters – just trailer moments. What will the one-sheet (poster) look like? I guess the only difference is, in television the question is now: “What are two great trailer moments?”

Good luck to all the showrunners. You’re eight kittens fighting over the same sock. But it’s amazing how fast you go from “I’m just thrilled to be on the schedule!” to “I’m really getting screwed!”

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