Hi Tech

Getting close. Previews of my play A OR B? begin Wednesday at the Falcon Theatre. This is my weekly report on the process of getting one of these bad boys mounted.

After three weeks in the rehearsal hall things shifted into high gear last week once the stage was ours. Construction began. As I said on my Facebook page -- I'm living every playwright's dream. They're building sets for my play and I don't have to pay for them.

Jason & Jules

The actors (Jules Willcox & Jason Dechert) have somehow memorized the script (which to me is a skill greater than tightroping over Niagara Falls.) and are now making it their own.

Tech rehearsal began last Thursday. This is the arduous part of the process. Literally twelve-hour days. All the logistic questions that have been tabled over the first three weeks now come to roost. How do props get on and off the stage between scenes? How long will costume changes actually take? That offstage sound we just assumed will sound great now gets put to the test.

Every light cue, every sound cue must be painstakingly locked in. There are a thousand decisions and problems that must be dealt with. What music? How loud? Will there be crowd noise? If so, how much and for how long? Where exactly will the props be backstage?

And as I’m sitting there watching this I’m thinking to myself, “Not my problem.”

Certain transitions from one scene to another are very complicated. One of the actors has to make a quick costume change, there are numerous sound and lighting cues, and it all has to happen in less than 30 seconds.

Not my problem.

The poor actors had to do the transition six or eight times until everybody got it right. It probably took a half hour. This is a 90-page script and at that rate tech would take a month. They only have so many hours over a few days.

Not my problem.

In television when we do multi-camera sitcoms in front of a studio audience we still have the luxury of stopping after every scene. You just say to the prop master one time that you need a coffee mug here or a statue of the Washington Monument in sugar cubes there and poof, they’re there. Not so in live thea-tuh.

So why am I even there?  Well, for one thing I got to see everyone in full wardrobe for the first time and a bright idea I had for one scene totally did not work.

Yes my problem.

Everyone continued to rehearse and I went off to rewrite the scene.

But the real reason I was there was to learn. It’s a treat to watch these highly professional technicians go about building a real theatre experience one sound cue and light adjustment at a time. I can’t imagine what tech is like on a Broadway musical. I have a cast of two and a play. What was LES MISERABLES like? They had to stage the entire French Revolution, not to mention all the sets, rotating stages, costumes, God knows how many actors, singers, and dancers, the orchestra, etc. In MISS SAIGON they also had to land a real helicopter on stage. Good luck when the Podunk Community Theatre does that one.

Not my problem.

Understudies Josh & Lori

Our understudies Josh Covitt and Lori Eve Marinacci were also on hand to help out. Why should they miss the fun of changing clothes in eight seconds and crashing into walls in the dark?

Late yesterday we had a full runthrough with all departments. As the saying goes: At some point the musicians all have to play together.  The problem scene is now way better (although I still have a couple things I'm going to change after I finish writing this).   Off day today, tomorrow a full runthrough and then a dress rehearsal for an invited audience.  Hopefully the play will be funny and touching.

Definitely my problem.

Fine tuning on Wednesday and then previews begin. Please come see the end result of all this mayhem.

Another difference between the theater and TV -- when our director, Andy decides to re-block something, it’s no big deal. As long as the actors aren’t upstaging each other and the moment works it’s done. When I direct television shows, if I re-block I always have to think of cameras. If my star walks around the other side of the couch then suddenly all four of my camera assignments need to be changed.  That gets very complicated.   I told this to Andy who gave me a smile that clearly said…

Not my problem.

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"Beating" jokes

When is something funny enough? That’s a little hard to say since every example is different and every case is subjective. But as a general rule, whenever I write a joke I ask myself two questions.

Is it funny?

What would be funnier?

Just getting a yes on the first question is no easy task. And by funny I mean FUNNY. Not wry, not amusing, not lol, not smiley face, but something that will make people actually laugh. And not just people – strangers. It’s hard. It’s why they used to pay the big money.

So when you feel your joke has passed the rigorous mirth test it’s tempting to take a moment, pat yourself on the back for being a comic genius, and move on to the next triumph That’s what most comedy writers do.

Don’t be one of them. Ask the second question. How can you make the joke funnier? What’s a more offbeat reference that achieves the same result? What’s fresher? Is there a better set up? Is the wording just perfect? Or is there just a better line altogether?

Small example of a joke just to give you a sense of my thought process. When Manny Ramirez was suspended for violating baseball’s drug policy I was asked if I was surprised. My first thought was, “At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if Mother Teresa was a dope dealer.” The incongruity of Mother Teresa selling drugs seemed funny. But “is there something better than dope dealer? What I came up with is this: “I wouldn’t be surprised if Mother Teresa was a gun runner.” That seemed to suggest a funnier image, Mother Teresa haggling with terrorists over AK-47’s.

At some point of course you've got to land on a joke and go with it otherwise you can spend the next fifty years trying to get Jess out of a room. But don't just automatically settle for the first thing you come up with. That sounds obvious but you'd be surprised how many writers do.

A better example comes from THE HANGOVER. How many bachelor party gone-bad-in-Vegas screenplays do you think there’ve been? A thousand? Ten? Four idiots getting shitfaced and in trouble in sin city is comic gold. But I bet none of those scripts had tigers, chickens, missing babies, and Mike Tyson. Okay, well most of them didn’t have Mike Tyson. But you catch my drift. Reach.

There’s an expression in the writing room – “Can we beat this joke?” Don’t settle. ESPECIALLY if you’re writing a spec script.

Eventually you’ll train yourself to automatically think that second question. It could be the subtle difference between good and “you’re hired”.

This was a re-post from the last decade.  But revised.

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Did USA welcome our characters?

Here’s a question a reader posed yesterday that I thought I would address today.

Hamid asked:

When are we gonna hear about the new pilot you mentioned has been picked up?

We just learned the fate last week. David Isaacs and I had sold a pilot to the USA Network late last year.

Unlike broadcast networks that are on a pretty fixed yearly schedule (buy ideas and develop pilots in the late summer/fall, make the pilots in the winter, and decide their fall schedules in early spring, watch the all die in September), cable networks are under no such restrictive timetable. So things move at a leisurely pace (which is a nice way of saying “they take forever”).

So practically ten months to the day we sold the idea and wrote the script we learned USA decided not to go with any of their comedy pilots currently in development. They are changing direction and not focusing on comedy at the moment.

At least this is the explanation we’ve been given and we choose to believe it. Everyone at USA we’ve dealt with has been great and very straightforward. And they’ve all been wildly enthusiastic about the project (which we greatly appreciated).

But…

They’re not the ones making the final decision. This happens frequently. You work with executives for weeks or months, finally arrive at a polished script everyone is excited about, and then it goes up the ladder to the big boss (who, in many cases, is not even familiar with the project). And to paraphrase Harry Truman – the bucks stop here. The big boss has a different agenda, or changes his agenda, or has different taste than his underlings. For whatever reason, promising projects die.

It’s disappointing but after awhile you just used to it. I think we gave them a good script, it fit their needs (at the time), and if there’s one silver lining about this crazy process it’s that the same people who rejected you will court you to work for them again.

We had a great experience with USA. We’ll explore other options for the project, and now finally I can make vacation plans.

Besides, you guys wouldn’t want me running a television show. When would I have time to write the blog. You all dodged a bullet.

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Friday Questions

It’s Friday. You have questions. Let’s go.

Les leads off.

You have mentioned in the past you cast Aaron Paul in a pilot (and Kat Dennings I believe for the same pilot). I do not recall if the network requested his part be re-cast or whether the show just did not get picked up but in any event, now I am sure every network exec would die for just a meeting with Mr. Paul. If/when you are casting for a new show and an executive gives you push back on one of your choices, do you ever just say -- 'hey I discovered "insert-name-here" years before and know what I am doing" or does it even matter?

To set the record straight: the network had reservations about Aaron Paul. But we were very insistent. The pilot didn’t go because the star of the show didn’t deliver, and he was the network’s call.

But to answer your questions, you could try to persuade the network to go your way based on your past discoveries but that rarely (if ever) works. Even though it’s an actor you found, brought to them, and they didn’t like, if the show is successful they think they discovered him, not you. Yes, it is maddening.

Marianne asks:

What exactly makes a really solid and funny pilot? It's quite astounding that writers can (sometimes) achieve this, it sounds like it's an incredibly difficult task!

You're right, Marianne. Pilot writing is a real art. In only 22 minutes you need to establish the premise, introduce all the characters, establish all of the relationships between them, get us to care about them and their plight, reveal any backstory, set the tone, tell a story, be consistently funny, clearly tell us where the series is going after the pilot and why we should come back.

And that’s just the script. You have to cast it perfectly, get the right director, and fend off network interference.

Little wonder there are so few good ones.

Stephen Robinson asks about writing jokes that depend on the actors’ delivery.

That's always inspired me as a writer when working on a play to write lines that I know could kill but will depend almost entirely on delivery. I think it results in a naturalism that doesn't feel like a sitcom where the cast is comprised of Henny Youngmans delivering one-liners. Do you do that intentionally? Or are you surprised as the audience by how the actor nails the line? I've always found it incredibly brave of a writer to trust so much in the actors and director (especially if they're not directing the script themselves).

That’s always the way I write because I write for characters. Most of the laughs come out of attitudes and the interplay between actors. Very few joke “jokes.” So I’m always at the mercy of actors. Their interpretation can either lift lines or kill them.

Yes, it’s treacherous. There are lots of reasons for souffles not rising. But when it works, it’s soooo much more rewarding.

I’m happily experiencing that now with my play.  Jason Dechert and Jules Willcox are hitting it out of the park. And I’ve been doing this long enough to appreciate that no matter how good the writing may be on the page, without good actors you got nothing. 

For most of my career I’ve been super spoiled. Getting to write for actors the caliber of Tom Hanks, Ted Danson, Shelley Long, Alan Alda, David Hyde Pierce, Nancy Travis, John Candy, Kelsey Grammer, Harry Morgan has made me seem like a way better writer than I am.

From Ed:

In the past you've reference several pilots you and your partner penned that didn't get picked up...

Was there one that didn't go that bothered you?

Yes. It was called MIDNIGHT and took place at a funky colorful all night diner. All of the stories were to take place between midnight and six. We had some very funny characters and unique situations. It had great potential.

But I’m more upset that ALMOST PERFECT and BIG WAVE DAVE’S didn’t get longer runs. I’m very proud of both of those series and still feel they would have been hits if given a fair chance.

That said, you’ve got to move on. Dwelling on past disappointments does no good. Every writer has projects that didn’t go or were cancelled prematurely. You just look ahead and hope that the next one clicks.

And finally, Jeff asks:

What are your thoughts on the usage of cliffhangers?

I’ll tell you next week.

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Stop crying already!

Is it possible to do a reality show without having someone cry? It’s gotten beyond ridiculous.

In the early days of television there was a game show called QUEEN FOR A DAY. Women would compete for the saddest sob stories. It was one icky tear-jerker after another. Finally, a winner was crowned “Queen for a Day.” Destitute housewives were given washer-dryers and blenders.

Those contestants were amateurs compared to today. People have complete breakdowns over cake decorating. Men wail like little girls if they’re not selected for dates.

Clearly, most or all of it is for show. This country is a sucker for weep porn. The problem, of course, is that Reality has become the “Genre that Cried Wolf.” There’s so much emotion that none of it lands. And the result is that these shows all seem manipulative, bogus, and quite frankly insulting.

I watched the season premier of SHARK TANK. I tune in to see idiots try to sell their squirrel stun guns and hear the Sharks offer sound business advice. In a recent rerun, Shark Robert Herjavec became a blubbering imbecile recalling his father’s night watchman job. And then in the season premier, a contestant broke down and bawled uncontrollably because his fiance wouldn’t come to America unless his ersatz idea took off. To make matters worse, the Sharks were visibly moved. Kevin O’Leary was overcome with grief, dabbing his tearing eyes.

I don’t mean to be a cynic, but Jesus, what a load of BULLSHIT.

Like I said, all this manufactured heightened emotion just cheapens genuine emotion. What’s sad is you’d think the public would catch on. You’d think they’d be pissed that reality producers think so little of us that they can serve up this palaver and think we’d believe it. But I guess enough of them do believe it.

Now THAT makes me cry.

Come on, America. Man up. It’s just a blender. A fucking blender.

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Dealing with horrible bosses

Great article in GQ about horrible bosses in Hollywood. It centers on writers/showrunners (although to be fair, the worst writer boss is Mother Teresa compared to the way some agents treat their assistants. Picture: 12 YEARS A SLAVE but more degrading.). Still, the point made by author Jim Nelson is that there are a lot of insecure, insensitive, unfunny assholes who find themselves in enviable positions and treat their staff like shit. And to that I would say he is correct.

I would also say I find this behavior unconscionable. Writers assistants and P.A.’s have incredibly hard jobs. You hear about all the hours writers work. The support staff puts in way more. Once the rewrite is over at 2 in the morning and the writers stagger home, the assistants stay behind to type, print, and distribute the scripts. In some cases, actors still require a hard copy on their front porch. An emailed file won’t do it. So someone has to drive to the star’s home in a winding canyon at 4 in the a.m.

There was one star a few years ago who demanded the script be on her left night table when she woke up. The P.A. would have to enter the house, tiptoe into her bedroom, and gently leave the script in the assigned spot. If he woke her up he was dead. One day, for some reason, she awoke to find no script. World War III broke out. Killing her in her sleep would be too good for her. She needs to know she’s being killed and why.

The support staff is also woefully underpaid, generally has to park three miles from the lot, and is on call 24-7 to be their masters’ personal gofer. A writer I know who was based in Hollywood demanded her assistant drive to Malibu to pick up her birth control prescription. Another made his assistant take traffic school for him.  More than once I’ve seen a P.A. in a garbage dumpster rooting around in search of something the showrunner thought he might have mistakenly thrown out. A major television star who was quitting smoking by chewing nicotine gum would call over her assistant and every time she had to go on camera to film a scene he had to hold out his hand so she could deposit the chewed gum in his palm. When the scene was over she put the gum back in her mouth. This poor assistant also had to follow behind the star as she walked her dog on the lot. He would be required to clean up the shit.  (Sounds like that old joke right?  "So why do you clean up after the circus elephants?  Quit."  "What?  And leave show business?")

In the article, Nelson worked for an insecure comedy writing team. He didn’t identify them by name but sprinkled enough clues that a quick trip to IMDB easily outs them if you’re interested. The point is they were monsters.

Here’s one of those irrefutable laws of the universe: If a comedy writer has to constantly tell you how funny he is, he’s not funny.

The concept of gravity can be debated before this truth. Truly funny people don’t have to announce it to the world (or to his writers assistants). There’s not enough indignity in working for one of these jackals that you’re expected to actually laugh at his cringeworthy material?  Dumpter diving suddenly seems less appalling.

The truth is showrunners are under a lot of stress. Some handle it better than others. Writing and management are two very different skill sets. And today the job is even harder because there is way more network and studio interference. Anger and even tantrums are not uncommon. I’ve had them myself. But there’s no reason to take out your frustration on the support staff. None. It’s just a matter of simple human decency.

And here’s the thing – if you treat people well they’ll work harder for you. You don’t have to buy them cars. Just appreciate them. Thank them. Not take them for granted. Let them take off early one night to witness the birth of their child. Stock up on extra packages of nicotine gum.

My heart goes out to anyone working for a horrible boss. Sometimes karma comes into play. This author is now an editor-in-chief of GQ. The last writing credit from the team he worked for is 1995. Often times P.A.’s and writers assistants rise among the ranks. One of our P.A.’s on CHEERS later became the VP of Comedy Development at NBC. Good luck to any of the writers who sent her back all the way across town because there were onions on their patty melt. So hang in there. Not every boss is horrible. And better jobs are coming.

But most off all, if and when you do reach a position of power don’t you become an asshole. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this. Abused workers feel they can now be the abusers. Break the string. Be a mensch. Just because Hollywood indulges bad behavior doesn’t mean you have to practice it.  Remember -- you’re a human being first, in the industry second. It’s not the other way around.

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THE EQUALIZER: My review

It’s hard to believe that Edward Woodward and Denzel Washington would be playing the same role. But such is the case with THE EQUALIZER. The movie version is in theaters now.

It’s based on the TV series of the same name and basic premise from the mid-80’s. So first of all, the movie’s target audience was probably not born during the series run on CBS. So their expectations going into the Cineplex is just Denzel’s smile and explosions.

But as someone a tad older and a big fan of the TV version I couldn’t help but compare one with the other.

The movie is a fun ride. Denzel blows a lot of things up. He’s a super bad ass who can outthink and outkill any evil doer. So lots of audience-pleasing scenes of him single-handedly taking down the entire Russian mafia. He’s a human Vegematic -- slicing and dicing all in one easy motion.

And of course, since it’s Denzel, he’s also incredibly charming, good-hearted, and down-to-earth. He can suffocate my nemesis any day. Denzel plays Robert McCall (same name as the TV version – they were faithful to that at least), a former CIA agent (who probably roomed in spy school with Jason Bourne) now working at a big box home improvement store in Boston. At one point there’s a major action sequence there. Lots of fun with power drills, etc. All during it I kept thinking – good thing he didn’t work at Staples. He’s be thwarting the bad guys with stickers and dymo label makers.

So I enjoyed the film, but it never captured the essence of what made the TV show so unique and truly great in my opinion. Edward Woodward, at the time he was making the show, was already a distinguished British actor but in failing health. As a result, he was the most sedentary action hero in history. Bob Newhart is more active. Scott Caan is Jackie Chan by comparison. I think in one episode Woodward did a little judo chop move, although I suspect they used a stand-in. And yet, he could walk into a room of the scariest tatted motherfuckers you’ve ever seen and they would all cower at just his presence. It was hilarious. The entire underworld was intimidated by a fop in an overcoat.

So as much as I love Denzel, when I heard they were making a movie version I was hoping for Stephen Fry. Still, if you’re in the mood for a good by-the-numbers cry vengeance movie THE EQUALIZER fills the bill. And as a bonus, you learn new ways to use a club hammer.

UPDATE: Thanks to my readers, here's an awesome parody of the TV EQUALIZER from the Dave Thomas Show. Dave was a member of SCTV.

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