Why I became a comedy writer

A couple of years ago CHEERS won the heritage award from the Television Critics. Neither the Charles Brothers nor James Burrows were available to accept so I was asked to do so on their behalf at the big TCA Awards Dinner. It’s as close as I’m ever going to come personally to winning a TCA Award and there was alcohol so I said sure.

The event was held in the glittering Grand Ballroom of the Beverly Hiltons, same venue as the Golden Globes. Same alcohol too. The place was packed. Lots of industry folks and cast members from your favorite high quality shows. Aaron Paul even remembered me from the pilot he did for us back in the ‘00s. And Jonathan Banks vaguely remembered I directed him in FIRED UP. (To be fair, he vaguely remembered FIRED UP.)

Louis CK was not there, which was very disappointing since I was assigned to the LOUIE table. Also absent was Morena Baccarin from HOMELAND, but the rest of the cast was there including Claire Danes. I love Claire Danes.

I had a prepared speech (it helps to know you’ve already won) and I just killed. I happened to glance down to the HOMELAND table and I could see that Claire Danes was laughing really hard. I was beyond thrilled. The thousand other people who were laughing including executives who could give me work or critics who could increase my stature? Fine, whatever, but Claire Danes was in stitches.

And as I walked back to my seat it occurred to me: I’m still 14. It was all about making the pretty girl laugh.

That’s why I got into comedy writing – to impress pretty girls. And I bet if most male comedy writers were being honest they’d say that’s why they got into the field too. It wasn’t the money, or the need to express themselves, it was having Claire Danes like me for 1:40 (I kept my speech short).

God, that's sad.  But ultimately rewarding.

If I could play football in high school I’d probably be selling plumbing supplies today. So do I have regrets? My awkward teenage years led me to where I am today. So no. Except for one. Why didn’t I take up playing the goddamn guitar? Those guys really scored. I was an idiot!

UPDATE:  Several of you have asked me to post the speech itself.  Sleazy opportunist that I am, I will be happy to...

IF... 

I sell 20 more copies of MUST KILL TV, the Kindle version going for only $2.99.    I know.  What a creep.  But it's a very funny book, deals with award dinners, I'm very proud of it and want as many people to read it as possible.   (I can't believe book promotion has come to this.)  Thanks in advance.