Why I should take over for Letterman

There is lots of speculation as to who will replace David Letterman. Stephen Colbert, Craig Ferguson, Ellen, Chelsea Handler (dear God),Louis CK, Neil Patrick Harris, and even Sarah Palin.

So if Sarah Palin’s name is mentioned with a straight face then I can throw my hat in the ring too. As long as it doesn’t interfere too much with my blogging or watching baseball, I’d like to take over the LATE SHOW.

I hear the money is great. And I could use this national platform to force the LA police department to reopen the Natalie Wood case.

I’d have to lie about my age though. Say I’m 30. I could pass as long as they stopped airing the show in HD.

I’ve never hosted a TV talk show and I was a writer for THE SIMPSONS, so I have the same qualifications as Conan.

I’ve never done stand up comedy, so Sarah Palin is one up on me there, but hey, who says I have to do a monologue anyway? I could read excerpts from my very funny book, MUST KILL TV (available on Kindle now for the absurdly low price of $2.99 and paperback too!) each night.

Singing and dancing might be a problem. I can't do either.  But talk show hosts who resort to that are only showing how desperate they are for attention. Whenever I see Jimmy Fallon do a spot-on impersonation, or an intricate dance number I can’t helping thinking “how very sad that he has to stoop this low.” So not having any real talent is, in this case, a plus, which is great for me.

As for a band, I noticed on Fallon’s premiere he had U2 but never used them again. What an oversight! I would just have U2 as my house band. Sorry, Paul. Time marches on.

For a co-host, and Les Moonves, none of the other candidates have suggested this – I’d go with Julie Chen.

Interviewing is certainly my strong suit. I’ve hosted many radio talk shows and as a baseball announcer I’ve conducted literally thousands of player interviews. “Emma Watson, great to have you. I hear you’re in a new movie and your hamstring is tight.”

As for guests, let’s shake it up. Why don’t I see more cartoon characters on the couch? Why no accordion players? No porn stars who would do anything for the exposure?

I would keep most of Dave’s staff. They’re terrific. But I’d want the show to move back to Los Angeles. Yes, it might be tough for two hundred families to relocate 3,000 miles but I wouldn’t be inconvenienced. And it’s that kind of thinking that sends the message to CBS that this guy has the right temperament to host a national show.

For the set I want to do something radically different. I’m going to put the desk and the couch on the right side of the stage, not the left like all those other losers. And in tribute to Dave, I’ll keep his backdrop. Yes, it might be confusing to have a New York backdrop for a show set in Los Angeles but that’s the kind of zany edgy thing I plan on doing.

I’m telling ya, I’d be perfect. I’m new, I’m fresh, my daughter lives close to CBS so I can just park on the street. And between my years in television and movies I can get any guest I want, except maybe Robert Wagner.

I’m planning the rally now. We’ll let you know where and when. But you can start by making placards now. Thanks. See ya on CBS.

NOTE:  David Isaacs and I will be on Stu Shostak's internet interview show today from 4-6 PDT/7-9 EDT.  We'll be talking about each others careers.  And it's good practice for me for when I take over for Letterman.