Miscellaneous thoughts and rants

My wife does not agree that Piper Perabo from COVERT AFFAIRS is a great serious actress. How she can’t see that I don’t know. But this season I proved my point. Piper’s character has gone undercover. Instead of being a blonde, she’s now a brunette. Proof that the woman has range. Boom! Game over!

Toldja! Nikki Finke is out at Deadline Hollywood. This is like when Redd Foxx and Demond Wilson left SANFORD AND SON but they kept the show going as THE SANFORD ARMS. One writer said, “They just renewed the set.” I look forward to reading Nikki somewhere else very soon.

Not a good election day for Tea Party candidates. Turns out all those federal workers who got furloughed during the recent government shutdown were registered voters.

Miami Dolphin coaches responding to Rickie Incognito’s threats and taunts and racist slurs: “Sociopathic behavior from players at certain positions is not only tolerated but cherished.” America’s game.

Great SIMPSONS tribute to Marcia Wallace who played Mrs. Krabappel and passed away last month.

Huffington Post Headline: Paula Abdul Wears Sexy One-Piece In Israel

Another Huffington Post Headline: Cher Takes Over 'DWTS' And Even Makes Sense Occasionally

Brad Ausmus will be a great manager for the Detroit Tigers. He is the sixth Jewish manager in big league history, joining such household names as Lipman Pike. I love the fact that Brad will be wearing the same uniform as the great Hank Greenberg.

There will be a GAME CHANGE sequel. Julianne Moore will play Mitt Romney this time.

Now that I have Google+ installed, I have no idea what it is.

I wonder which idiot franchise will pay big money to sign Ubaldo Jiminez.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER is the one bright spot on the CBS Monday night lineup. 2 BROKE GIRLS is slipping (I guess America stopped laughing at the word “vagina” after 546 times in 2+ seasons). THE “NEW” MIKE & MOLLY and MOM did meh.

The NBA has begun its 82 game exhibition season. Then three teams are eliminated, they begin the playoffs, and the games start to count. Wake me in May.

I’ve officially given up on THE BLACKLIST. They’re now using James Spader less and Megan Boone more. That’s like someone on MORK AND MINDY saying, “More with the girl; she's your money!"

Are we starting to take Hostess Twinkies for granted again?

ENDERS GAME really didn’t catch on with young audiences. I can’t understand it. The ads sold it as a Harrison Ford movie. What more do those kids want?

I miss Dave Sims calling the radio play-by-play of Sunday Night Football. He made those sociopaths sound interesting. 



Great tweet from Mark Jordan Legan: All in all, you don't really need to see "12 Years A Slave " in 3-D.

Thanks to everyone who bought my book so far.  I hope you're rewarded with lots of laughs. 

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A Friday Question on Tuesday

Here’s one of those Friday Questions that turned into (a) an entire post on the process of writing and (b) gives me another chance to shamelessly plug my new book, MUST KILL TV, which is available in Kindle format for only $2.99 and getting great reviews.

spmsmith asks:

What differences did you find in the writing process between creating a novel and creating a screenplay or TV script (if any)? Thanks!

This is the perfect project to make that comparison because MUST KILL TV was originally a screenplay David Isaacs and I wrote back in the late ‘90s. One of my hopes for the book is that someone will want to option the movie rights and pay us to write the screenplay we’ve already written.

But in truth, I’ve changed the novel considerably.  The script served as more of an outline.

First off, the venue is the TV industry and the industry itself has changed over the last fourteen years. By “changed” I mean unrecognizable from what it used to be. So I had to do more than just update references. I had to redefine the arena. Fortunately for me, the TV industry has gotten more cutthroat and murderous. Sometimes a writer catches a break.

In screenplays you need to be very economical. Scenes begin in the middle. A long argument is maybe three pages. Visual images do a lot of the heavy lifting. In novels you can let scenes breathe, expand them, and say a lot more than you could in a screenplay. I found that very liberating.

In essence, you tell the story very differently depending on the format. For example, I completely changed the beginning. The movie version opened with all visuals and a big montage. Seeing it would have a much greater impact than reading a lengthy description and then having to picture it. So I devised a completely new beginning that quickly introduced the main characters and established their relationship. The first chapter is so key these days because that’s what you preview if you’re shopping on Amazon. By the way, lest you think I’m so smart – all of this advice was given to me by veteran novelists who knew the ropes. Picture me as Gomer Pyle.

I changed a lot of the story, filled out some things, and re-imagined the final act. I also added a lot of dialogue although there were speeches and runs that came right out of the screenplay.

One enormous difference is that you can get into a character’s head. You can convey his thoughts. I decided to have some fun with that. As my main character was being placed under more and more pressure I made his thoughts more rambling and insane. This was a tool I had never had before and I loved it. A new avenue for characterization and laughs! Yes!

These were the hard parts:

Re-training my brain. As a screenwriter it’s been drilled into my head to be as sparse with stage directions as possible. In a novel it’s the author’s obligation to put the reader into the scene. You’re the director, the art director, the lighting director, the wardrobe person – everybody. You’re fifteen unions and six guilds all at once.

I also saw my job as a narrator to be a tour guide of the world of television – an outspoken tour guide who would likely get fired for being too outspoken. Rarely if ever in screenplays would I think to make the kinds of editorial comments I so freely share in the book.

In screenplays, everything is written in the present. Most fiction is written in past tense. This drove me fucking batty. The only comparison I could give is driving your whole life in America and then going to England and having to drive on the other side of the road.

And finally, a big adjustment I had to make was no head hopping. This was a term I had never heard of. I’m sure all novelists reading this are laughing at my naiveté. You can’t switch point-of-view between characters in the same section or sub-chapter. You can’t tell us what Charles is thinking and then a speech later tell us what Stevie is thinking. You can only stick with one person’s point-of-view. The next chapter or sub-chapter you can change, but then you’re locked into that person’s thoughts. I’m sure there’s good reasons for this, but to continue the driving analogy, in addition to having to steer on the other side of the street, it’s as if someone said, “Oh, and by the way -- you can’t turn left unless you’ve already turned right twice and made at least one U-turn.” It was a pain in the ass, but now I know. And I rewrote accordingly. Although, I’ll be honest, I cheated a couple of times. Yes, your honor, I head hopped.

Some authors will tell you head hopping is not important, but I tried to do it right. Again, I can’t thank my novelist friends enough. Their notes were invaluable.

So that’s it. But the main difference at the end of the day between a screenplay and novel is that in a novel you really have to have a voice. You set the tone, you create the world, and the one unique thing you bring to the book is YOU. People follow authors because they like their style. For me, writing a blog every day for eight years went a long way into establishing that voice.

But I’m still afraid to get behind the wheel in England.

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Shocking TV ratings news

Now that Nielsen ratings are taking into account DVR and VOD use for 30+ days broadcasters are discovering an amazing thing. Some shows that fared poorly after airing in primetime more than doubled their ratings when multi-platforms were figured in. Think about that. These shows have twice the audience the networks originally thought. HOSTAGES on CBS originally thought they had 7.41 million viewers. Turns out they had 15.54 million. Oops. Kind of a big difference. MOM, THE CRAZY ONES, and BROOKLYN NINE-NINE also took big jumps.

It makes you wonder – how many shows have networks bailed on over the last few years that really had respectable followings or better? Did NBC cancel THE PLAYBOY CLUB too soon?

What does this new time shifting mean?

Overnight ratings are way less conclusive. Networks must wait weeks to really determine a show’s popularity. (Unless it’s IRONSIDE, which no amount of platforms would help.) The good news here is that shows might now be given more of a chance. They won’t be yanked off the air so quickly.

The ratings will better reflect what the public is watching.

Older audiences are starting to take more advantage of these multi-platforms. By the way, the industry term for these folks is “Late-adopters.” That’s a much more elegant term than “Worthless old crones.” WARNING TO NETWORKS: Once us Late-adopters figure out how to use the DVR it’s only a matter of time before we figure out how to use the fast forward feature. Goodbye commercials.

Viewing habits have changed drastically. Viewers no longer decide which of two shows they’ll watch? Now they decide which of two shows they’ll watch live?

This is especially good news for quality programs like THE GOOD WIFE who find themselves in horrible time slots. THE GOOD WIFE on Sunday night must constantly compete with the best of HBO, Showtime, or any other cable channel bringing out their big guns (like MAD MEN).

This is good news for advertisers as well. If viewers are watching ON DEMAND they can’t fast forward through the commercials. This may really confuse the Late-adopters. “Martha, call our grandson again!”

More people are watching network television than they thought.

More people are dumping expensive cable providers and watching their favorite shows on other computer platforms.  

The 10:00 hour shows really benefit. People no longer have to stay up late to catch these shows. In primetime, the 10:00 programs are time shifted the most.  This may not be your viewing pattern (it's not mine), but research has shown this to be true.

Instead of watching shows once a week, viewers will save up three or four and binge. Especially when there is a continuing storyline, it’s a lot easier to follow that way. Is it just me or do those “Previously on…” segments confuse you more than get you up to speed? There’s way more continuity when you can watch three episodes in a row. Even the Late-adopters can follow it.

Comedies will draw larger audiences. How many times do you watch things on your DVR, it’s getting late, but you’re not ready to turn in yet? You don’t want to start a whole hour but a half-hour comedy is just right. This does not apply to Late-adopters because they are all asleep in front of the TV by 7:00, having had dinner at 4:00.

Notice I said “comedies”, not “sitcoms?” Sitcoms will be in greater competition with programs like THE COLBERT REPORT and THE DAILY SHOW. You don’t just have to be funnier than TWO BROKE GIRLS; you have to be funnier than Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart. Maybe, just maybe, that will lift the bar on situation comedies. Okay, a Late-adopter can dream.

As patterns continue in this direction (which they will), gone will be those day-after chats around the water cooler. Everybody will be watching television on their own individual schedules. I personally will miss that. Part of the greatness of television was that it created shared national experiences. Now spoiler alerts will have to be extended to one month.

Ultimately, I think these new ratings measurements are a good thing. But in the back of my mind, I can’t help thinking. If only they had this years ago. How many great shows that were cancelled would have had a reprieve? MY SO-CALLED LIFE, FREAKS AND GEEKS, FIREFLY, LONE STAR, BROOKLYN BRIDGE, SPORTS NIGHT, PUSHING DAISIES, PARTY DOWN, and (okay, indulge me) ALMOST PERFECT and BIG WAVE DAVE’S. I bet you have four or five of your favorites too.

It will be fascinating to see how the networks respond to this new data. Will they change the way they program? How much will time slots lose their importance? Will shows be selected more by how DVR-friendly they are? When shows are up against stiff competition will network promos be telling you to DVR a show rather than watch it? Will GOLDEN GIRLS reruns beat LAST MAN STANDING now that Late-adopters can tape Me-TV? All we can say for sure is that the answers, like the ratings today won’t be determined overnight.

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A look back... at a GREAT awards show

Is there anything more deliciously absurd than the AVN awards Juxtapose class and elegance with the porn industry and you have the most hilarious television event of the year!  This is a re-post of one of my favorite entries -- reviewing the 2010 AVN Awards (that were actually televised). 

WARNING and SPOILER ALERT: What follows contains graphic language, sexual content, and winners of many major categories like “Best Anal” are revealed.

The evening started gloriously with the red carpet show. Co-hosted by porn queens selected more for the way they hold the microphone versus what they say into it, Jessica Drake and Jesse Jane got the stars to really open up (as it were). We learned that Bree Olson got her screaming green gown at a wedding store in Indianapolis for two hundred bucks (Sarah Jessica Parker -- take note for next year's Oscars). We learned that female porn stars prefer working with Evan Stone because “He likes to have sex with women.”

Another popular male star among his thesps was Eric Everhard. Do you think Eric is his real name?

Also co-hosting was Dave Navarro, a guy who looked shockingly like the devil and left visible slime trails when he walked on the red carpet . In interviewing the “Burning Angel Crew”—four hard-looking tatted trollops in Army Surplus prom dresses – Davie paid them the ultimate compliment, “Damaged little tattoo girls are the hottest thing”.

One starlet was asked “Who are you wearing” and she said Ron Jeremy. I had to hit "pause", run upstairs and take a 90 minute shower.

Kristin Price was asked about her gown and said, “I got this at ‘I can’t pronounce it’.”

Sasha Grey, who also doubled as the “fashion expert” (an honor bestowed upon her because her gown didn’t look slept in) asked Tori Black what she was wearing and Tori answered, “A dress”. I guess when you wear one so rarely it’s a big deal. I guess when you wear anything so rarely it’s a big deal.

Pictured right are "fashion expert" Sasha Grey and Lucifer.

Dave Attel hosted the show, which is a desperate career call for help. And worse, Margaret Cho was a presenter. Not even a co-host; it was her, a male star, and a transsexual giving out some group sex award. And I thought it was sad when Margaret had that bad sitcom on ABC.

Kagney Linn Karter won Best New Starlet. Considering the lifespan of a porn career she could also win a Lifetime Achievement award at the same ceremony.

Sasha Grey was the big winner of the evening. "Best Anal" AND "Best Oral", thus displaying her versatility as an artist. Sasha had won Best Oral once before and in her acceptance speech admitted that, “I must be really talented in this.”

Porn princess McKenzie Lee handled backstage interviews. SHOWTIME went to no expense to produce this extravaganza. Sasha said to her, “I just won Best Oral Sex Scene and I can’t remember who the guy was.”

I'm not making any of this up. Honest.

Later, when Sasha won for "Best Anal" she proudly announced she never uses Vicodin.

Performing anal is not easy we learned from one of the presenters. It “requires the ability to abstain from food 24 hours before the scene.” Maybe that’s why anal isn’t for everybody.

There’s a Best Make-Up category. Why??

I did pretty well in the office pool this year. ASS WORSHIP 11 was money for me! I shouldn’t have bet on JON & KATE FUCK 8 but I did win with ANAL CAVITY 6. By the way, what didn’t they find in ANAL CAVITY 1-5??

Sunny Leone (pictured right) was the best dressed. Is there such a thing as a mini-formal? Her gown was so short you would know whether she had a Brazilian. That said, it was very tasteful. And it fit her great, although she did admit she had to double-tape her tits. Sam Rubin never gets that kind of great information out of the stars.

I love who gets thanked during AVN acceptance speeches. One platinum bimbo said, “Thanks to all the guys who DP’d me.” A male star saluted the fans. “You watch my movies. You jerk off…” A girl-on-girl winner, Tori Black to her co-star Lexi Belle: “Thank you for licking my box so nicely.” Tori went on to win another award and said, “I’d like to thank everybody who let me fuck them over the last couple of years.” When has Meryl Streep ever delivered an acceptance speech that poignant?

Several awards were not shown on television. So just to get you up to speed… “Best Specialty Release, Other Genre” – ASSES OF FACE DESTRUCTION 5, “Best Squirting Release” – SQUIRT GANGBANG 4, and “Clever Title of the Year” – WHO’S NAILIN’ PAYLIN’?,

One of the categories was “Best Anal Release”. Isn’t that maybe the worst name for an award ever??

But my favorite moment of the night came during the “Best Actor” award. One of the presenters said this (word for word): “There’s a thing called acting chops, which is different from fucking. True acting is when a man can blow his entire load all over a woman’s face and still remember his lines.”

Poetry. Sheer poetry.

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Symbolism in MASH: Now it can be told

Every so often I’ll read an article or term paper or passage in a book that references a MASH episode my partner and I wrote. The piece is most always complimentary; sometimes overly so. But invariably the authors will analyze the episode. They’ll identify the symbolism, how when Hawkeye hangs up his laundry he’s really representing the Anti-Christ, and they’ll find all kinds of mythological parallel, subliminal messages, and odes to other works of literature. They’ll compare Klinger to Jane Austin, find significance in jeep license plate numbers, and detect hidden codes in Radar’s dialogue.

I’d like to be able to shrug my shoulders and say yes, all of that is in there. David and I write on many levels. Our scripts are challenging intellectual puzzles to be solved by only the most advanced sophisticated minds. Thanks for noticing.

I’d like to say that but it’s all bullshit! There’s no symbolism in our MASH scripts. There’s no attempt to send covert messages in Hawkeye’s Groucho routine. Sorry, we’re not that deep. We were just trying to write a funny show with substance and heart. Our goal was to entertain. Period. Even the Viet Nam comparisons to Korea – we never pointed to that. We didn’t have to.

There are series that do consciously employ symbolism. LOST for example. MAD MEN for another. Pay attention because every detail has added importance. I love both of those shows. And I’m always thrilled when I catch one of these symbolic nuggets. But don’t go looking for them in MASH, at least in our years. They’re just not there, folks. We used names of ballplayers, former girlfriends, and my family dog, but that’s about it.

People have deemed MASH a television classic and I’m humbled and grateful but at the time we were making the show we never for a moment thought we were writing a “classic”. We probably would have been paralyzed if we had. Or, at the very least, pretentious as hell.

And it makes me wonder -- all through school our teachers have analyzed and interpreted the crap out of great works of literature. We’re tested on intent and correct meaning. Well, what if the teacher has no fucking clue what she’s talking about? What if she has no idea what the author was trying to say? Or worse yet, has grossly misinterpreted it? If my personal experience has taught me anything it’s that books and plays and scripts and Billy Joel records may in fact be just what they seem.

I imagine if you asked Shakespeare about the ambiguity of HAMLET he might say, “Yeah, about that. I was really slammed for time. I figured I’d just clarify during rehearsals but something came up. The Globe needed some repairs and I had to interview a few contractors. Jesus, those guys will soak you. But people seem okay with the play as it is, so what the hell? Plus, I’m working on my next and that bad boy just does not want to fall into place.”

The next time you watch one of our MASH’s, trust me, I will be more than pleased if you just laugh at the jokes and enjoy the story. There’s something wrong when the viewer spends more time analyzing a script than the writer.

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Birthday in Boston

Happy Birthday to my son, Matt.   I didn't know what to get him this year.  Usually you figure you could just get your kid a new iPhone or iWhatever they just came out with.  But he's an engineer at Apple so I'd hate to get him something he had to make himself.  But since he's a huge Boston Red Sox fan I thought I'd arrange for them to win the World Series and stage the victory parade on his birthday.  It took some doing but nothing's too good for my boy.  Matt and his equally fanatic wife, Kim have flown across the country to be in Boston for the festivities today.   They should be easy to spot.  They're the ones wearing Red Sox caps. 

In any event, Happy Birthday.  I love you.  Next year it'll be a lot easier if you just want a new camera or something. 

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Friday Questions

As I answered this week’s Friday Questions I couldn’t help notice I’m a little more curmudgeonly than usual. Maybe it’s all the leftover Halloween candy… I’ve eaten.

Charles H. Bryan starts:

This morning, I had a song stuck in my head that was used in the recent finale episode of a well-known and well-respected one hour cable drama (there's some spoiler avoidance) and it made me think: Is using a song a bit of a dramatic cheat? As a writer, do you ever see that choice and think "What? They couldn't come up with dialogue?"

That’s always been a pet peeve of mine. It just seems a cheat and lazy that you can play a song over a scene and elicit the desired emotion. I know she’s revered but Nora Ephron used to do that a lot.

To make a comedy scene work you can’t just play a Weird Al Yankovic record. But in dramas, your lead can sit in his room in the dark and stare into space while Carly Simon sings “In the Wee Small Hours of the Evening.”

Tennessee Williams didn’t resort to playing Patsy Cline’s “Crazy” to convey Blanche Dubois’ mental state. I'm just sayin'. 

From Cassandra Bryce:

I was just curious to know your thoughts on "talent" and if you think such a thing exists.

Talent refers to this innate ability to do something. However, there are renowned writers like David Mamet who say, "There's no such thing as talent, you just have to work hard enough."

When you watch a show that's unfunny that's on-air, it makes you think that success in show business will depend on two things: 1) Hard work (writing a lot, passion for the material, a thick skin, persistence) and 2) Luck (networking, getting people to actually read your material, knowing somebody in the business). Would you agree or disagree?

I do believe in talent. I could practice 24 hours a day for ten years and never hit a curveball or sing Pagliacci. My ability to be funny is a gift.

That said, I think a lot of hard work and practice is needed to maximize your talent and a whole huge truckload of luck is needed to ensure success. You gotta have those breaks, but you gotta be able to deliver the goods when you get them.

I have what I call THE FUCKIN’ LUCKY CLUB – people who are more lucky than good. Examples would be: any Kardashian, Sean Hannity, Psy, Brent Musberger, Jenny McCarthy, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Randy Jackson, Tim McCarver, Britney Spears, Paula Abdul, Pauley Shore, Bret Butler, Ren (not Stimpy), Whitney Cummings, and of course -- Katherine Heigl.

Jason Matthews wonders:

From reading your blog, I get a sense that you still have some great comedic chops.

Just curious, if the right project arose, would you ever consider leaping out of retirement and returning to a writer's room as a consulting producer?

My writing partner, David Isaacs and I have a couple of pilot ideas we’re working on. I’m not excited about jumping back in full-time, but I would be happy to consult for a night a week depending on the show and staff. Unfortunately, very few of those jobs still exist.

Meanwhile, my new book is finally out (available for the absurdly low price of $2.99) and I'm developing a new play. So I’m staying out of trouble. Thanks for asking.

And finally, from Daniel Solzman

What do you make of all these reboots being pitched and picked up by the networks?

Outside of Hawaii 5-0, none have even lasted beyond a season at best. I don't count Dallas since that was more of a sequel than remake.

You mean THE BIONIC WOMAN and IRONSIDE didn’t work? Don't tell NBC.  Even though they're the network that aired both of those bombs, they’re about to reboot MURDER, SHE WROTE.

Billy Wilder once said, "I'm against remakes in general because if a picture is good, you shouldn't remake it, and if it's lousy, why remake it?"

There are not enough original ideas that networks have to chase after MURDER, SHE WROTE?

The thinking of course is that the show will have a recognizable name and thus a head start. But IRONSIDE? How many people even remember the original IRONSIDE? What’s next? TUCKER’S WITCH?

As you know, I have so many problems with the new HAWAII FIVE-O, including the fact that they don’t take advantage of the one distinguishing thing they have that is great and the audience loves – the theme song. Yes, they play a version over the opening titles for fifteen seconds, but I would be playing it throughout every episode. I mean, that’s just a no-brainer. But then again, look at the show I’m talking about.

What would you like to know? I’d answer more questions today, but I’ve got to chase these damn kids off my lawn.

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