Batman

Saw the new Batman movie.  Loved the last one with Heath Ledger.  This one was okay but disappointing.  Sorry fanboys.  The villain wasn't fun and you couldn't understand him. Batman may save the day, but for my money, Anne Hathaway saved the movie.  She was a treat.

But instead of doing a long review (I'm sure there are now thousands of them on line), I thought I'd do a Batman post with a different spin -- why I've always loved Batman. 

My affection for the Caped Crusade dates way back to when I was a kid. I loved the Batman comic books. Most kids preferred Superman, but I had my issues. In the back of Superman comic books there would be an ad for Palisades Amusement Park, along with a discount coupon for admission. But I lived in Los Angeles and there was no Palisades Park here. I remember thinkin’, “Superman’s fucking with me. There’s no amusement park by that name. What kind of superhero fucks with a ten year old kid?” And if there wasn’t a Palisades Park, how did I know there was a real Fortress of Solitude?  The whole myth is a house of cards.

But Batman never advertised anything that didn’t exist. Sure, you could shoot your eye out with that Daisy rifle but it was real.

Most people who prefer Batman over Superman do so because Batman was mortal. Thwarting crime is less easy I’ve observed when you can’t fly and bullets don’t bounce off your chest.

That’s a valid justification, but it’s not my deciding factor.

What I loved about Batman is that he had a secret cave. This killed me as a kid. Imagine a secret passageway in your house that led to a cave fully stocked with the latest high-tech equipment and the world’s coolest car ever.

Your best friend has a secret. He just got the Prince Fielder baseball card. Yeah, well, big whoop. You have a fuckin’ CAVE!

Mom is looking for you. It’s time to take a shower and go to bed. But she can’t find you. Why? Because you’re in your secluded CAVE, which by the way, is fully air conditioned – not like the rest of the house.

Of course, as a kid, you don’t think these things through. Yes, it’s a secret cave but Bruce Wayne had to hire some construction company to build it. How long does it take to dig a cave? How many people? Steam shovels? Dump trucks? Are we to believe they all came and went unnoticed? For months?  And that none of them said anything?   What happens when the next guy wants a cave?  You can't say you have experience in that area? 

And how do you even approach the contractor and keep the cat in the bag? “I want the cave to be large enough to house a car, control panels, and hooks where maybe I can hang costumes."  What's the contractor thinking?   Either Mr. Wayne is obviously Batman or he’s just one sick fuck (especially when he see Robin, hanging around). Plus, just dealing with the contractors – the Penguin and Riddler are probably more honest.

I guess you could be cagey. You could tell him that you’re looking to build a wine cellar... that's the size of a football field – and while he’s down there could he also put in a gasoline pump?

What about city and state permits? 

Still, none of that mattered when I was a kid, and none of that matters now. Batman has a cave – it’s a necessary job expense. And I can still dream of having one too. Hi-tech control panels, a custom plane that can fly between skyscrapers (hope he doesn't clip Spider Man along the way), decent closet space. The only thing is – I bet I won’t be able to get phone reception or WiFi. Note to Batman: Go after AT&T next.