the house of sand and vog

Hope you had a great Christmas.  As my longtime readers know, whenever I venture out of town I return with a travelogue and rental car horror stories.  Here's my latest:

Aloha! Back from another three weeks in paradise – our annual jaunt to the magic island of Maui to pay tribute to the Gods and apologize for Walmarts. My wife and I again rented a condo and the various kids/significant others arrived in shifts.

Stayed at the lovely Tax Shelter Village in Wailea. 24-hour security is provided for your safety. Never saw anyone at the guard shack, but when we brought one ceramic plate down to the pool area, holy shit! It was the Raid on Entebbe. Note to burglars and terrorists: bring plastic.

Rented a car from Enterprise. Big mistake. They didn’t have the compact we had reserved so they gave us an “upgrade” – to a Mercury Grand Marquis that was the size of Molokai. It’s easy to “Remember Pearl Harbor” when you’re driving the U.S.S. Arizona. One thing I love about Maui – the perfumed scent of Plumeria that wafts along on the trade winds… until you got in our car. Then it was like being in Edward R. Murrow’s mouth. It reeked with smoke. I decided to trade it in. Considering the size, I wanted them to give me two cars. We settled for a Hyundai Elantra.

Then we learned a few days later my son reserved a car from Enterprise and was charged $1200 less for the same car. When we protested they of course would not change our rate. So our third car (much cheaper) was a Mazda 3 from Hertz. If you take one thing from this travelogue it’s don’t rent from Enterprise!

At the Longs Drugs in Kihei they sell Manischevitz wine. It's the only Hawaiian drink that wouldn't be sweeter with a pineapple slice added.

One great feature about the Kindle is that no one can see what book you’re reading. This was especially helpful when I was reading the sleaziest biography of Elizabeth Taylor EVER. By the time she had made NATIONAL VELVET she pretty much slept with everyone in Hollywood including the horse. She was twelve.

The first day we weren’t allowed in the ocean. One guy gets eaten by a shark and he ruins it for the rest of us.

December in Maui is always Roseanne watching season.

Lots of major league ballplayers were in town for Shane Victorino’s golf tournament – the “I Used To Be A Good Hitter Open” – and also the Ryan Howard wedding. The Phillies slugger got married at the nearby Four Seasons. Among the registered gift items he requested a set of wash clothes. I wonder which zillion-dollar superstar popped for those.

Best fish tacos in Maui can be found at Coconuts in a Kehei shopping mall right near the elegantly-named gourmet shop, Who Cut The Cheese?

The sunsets get more breathtaking every year. What am I going to do with 593 photos of them?

For a week the islands were enveloped in “vog.” This is volcanic smog that periodically turns Honolulu into Gary, Indiana. It’s caused by someone opening all the windows to that Mercury Grand Marquis Enterprise tried to saddle us with.

Oh my God! Elizabeth Taylor just had a three-way with Jack Kennedy and Robert Stack. I’m on Chapter 2!

And speaking of indiscriminate sex, Steve Garvey was staying at the Four Seasons. Expect Maui’s population to double come August.

The Cineplex in Kihei closed two weeks ago. What could possibly be worse than that Billy Crystal-Bette Midler movie? Answer: Now you have to drive 45 minutes to see it.

You watch HAWAII 5-0 and think the islands are just a war zone with umbrella drinks. Well, the lead story on the December 3rd KHON 10:00 news: a traffic light was being installed at a busy intersection near Zippy’s. “Book ‘em Dano for not slowing on a yellow!”

We found the only Jewish masseuse on the island. The tip-off was the soothing New Age Klezmer music.

Hawaii is the land of Spam and my wife got into the spirit by having her email hacked and then sending out spam to thousands of addresses. We called her provider. She wanted to know how to stop this. I wanted to know if we could tag each email with a plug for my book.

Part 2 is tomorrow.  And of course for more travelogues you can always go here.  Note: all photos, even the one of wine were taken by me on my iPhone.  Aloha y'all.