If I wrote for GIRLS

Allow me to channel my inner 25-year-old girl with tattoos and try my hand at GIRLS.

INT. APARTMENT BATHROOM – NIGHT

Hannah (Lena Dunham) is completely naked, brushing her teeth. Marnie (Allison Williams) is taking a shower, fully dressed. Jessa (Jermina Kirke) is shaving her armpits. And Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet) is on the toilet. This is where the four friends seem to have all of their meaningful conversations. Oh, outside the door we hear a party going on.

HANNAH: My life is such a tragic joke. I loathe myself every minute. I have now registered so low on the degradation scale that I actually went back to Adam. I guess I should have called first because when I got to his place he was fucking my best friend-slash-slut from high school. Awk-ward! I of course was furious but he convinced me that this was all my fault.  Then he let me stay and watch. Like this was great theater.  I asked if he wanted me to join and he said no but did want me to darn his socks.  So I did.  But things improved. I said, “Hey, how come you don’t fuck her in the ass?” and he said, “I only do that to you.” Like that’s supposed to make me feel special.  Well, it worked.

MARNIE: Booth, that super weird conceptual artist who scares me came back into my life. Maybe the rudest most appalling human being I’ve ever met. I told him to go fuck himself and he said, “I’d rather fuck you” which of course I found so endearing that I let him. It’s just so refreshing to find a man who doesn’t admit to masturbating over how hot I am. Once we got into bed things took a turn for the deranged. What sick guy asks a girl to take off all her clothes to have sex?

SHOSHANNA: NowthatI’mnolongeravirginIthinkIwanttomodelmylifeafterSamananthanotCharlotteorCarrie.

JESSA: Now that we’re married, NOW that lame-o has a problem with my heroin addiction, atheism, and near abortion? My cute phony accent isn’t enough for the douchebag?  What’s next, I should get a job? When we first met and he tried to have a three-way with me and Marnie, that should have been a sign. Okay, it was and that’s why I fell in love with him. But I’m still too fucking adorable to have to endure this shit! I’m too young to have all my abortions with just one man.

HANNAH: Adam masturbated in front of me last night. How intimate. I see us getting ever-closer to a deeply emotional relationship. Now if I could just get him to call out my name while he’s doing it instead of Adele's.

MARNIE: I had this hideous dream last night. I was walking around Soho shopping and there were all these guys. At least fifty. And they all wanted to fuck me of course, but there was this one dude who like didn’t. I woke up and cried for an hour.  Why do these things happen to me?  I couldn’t go back to sleep so I watched SID AND NANCY on Netflix.

SHOSHANNA: CarrieissowisebutCharlotteiskinderanddressedbetterthanCarrieineveryseasonbutthethird.

JESSA: I fucking hate when people tell me to grow up. Like it’s their business. Taking heroin is an adult decision. Having unprotected sex is an adult decision. I don’t know where they get this.

HANNAH: Maybe the world would be a better place if I weren’t in it. Would Adam even know if I killed myself? I would have to use his gun.

MARNIE: (drying herself off) That was so sad about Nancy. But what a traumatic way to go – stabbing yourself? I wouldn’t know what to wear. You have to look nice for when they find you.  I cried for an hour.

SHOSHANNA: (wiping) Samanthahadthehardestlife. Iwouldn’tbesurprisedifshetookherlifeonceherlooksstartedtogo.

HANNAH: Or I could do it right in front of him. I’ll strip naked, point the gun, and if he doesn’t say it’s okay to wash his dishes while he sleeps with one of you I’ll do it.

JESSA: Y’know, I feel so much better having you guys to talk to.  I so appreciate your input.

MARNIE: Yeah, where would I be without all of you and your caring insight into my shit? 

SHOSHANNA: (pulling up her jeans) You’retheonlypeopleintheworldwholistentome.

HANNAH: I love you all so much. (gestures to all come together) Come on. Last-scene-of-MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW-hug.

They all embrace. 

HANNAH: So we're good?

MARNIE: Amazing.

SHOSHANNA: I'malwaysgood.

JESSA: Still, I need a drink.

HANNAH: Yeah, I could use some leftover cake.

MARNIE: I need someone who will love me less than I love myself.

SHOSHANNA: Ineeddictionlessons.

HANNAH: Let’s get fucked up!!

Hannah opens the door and exits.

MARNIE: Hannah, wait! Put your clothes back…. okay, whatever.

Marnie, Jessa, and Shoshanna exit as we:

FADE OUT.