But more on that later. The big story was that Steven Spielberg was not able to buy any Oscars this year. Despite his “important” film, an ad campaign that cost more than the Civil War, numerous industry screenings, free coffee table books, and Bill Clinton the Best Picture went to ARGO and the Best Director went to Ang Lee for LIFE OF PI. (Considering PI’s story about a tiger I assume Steven’s next film will be THE SIEGRIED & ROY STORY.)
The truth is LINCOLN was ponderous and ARGO was an entertaining film where Hollywood saves the day. Who do you think the Academy is going to pick?
Was it personal? Is there a Spielberg backlash? Considering Michelle Obama announced that LINCOLN lost from the White House I’d have to say yeah. My feeling? Steven Spielberg is a great filmmaker when he's not trying to make great films.
This was maybe the first time ever that the Red Carpet show was more entertaining than the actual ceremony. As always I tuned to KTLA for babbling bootlicker, Sam Rubin and (to use fashion jargon) his side boob, Jessica Holmes. The intro promised “intimate conversations with Hollywood’s newest stars and royalty.” Royalty included Seth MacFarlane’s father. And intimate questions like Sam asking Quvenzhane Wallis: “Do you have Milky Ways in your purse?” He also asked this 9-year-old nominee if she was “used to all this stuff?” Jessica followed with, “Do you still have to clean your room even though you’re an Oscar nominee?”
Sam to Bryan Cranston: “Is ARGO going to win Best Picture primarily because of you?” To 83-year-old Christopher Plummer he asked, “You cast an Oscar ballot. Was it difficult to figure out?” Why not just ask if he brought his nurse? And finally, to nominee Jacki Weaver: “We’ve had this discussion about this embrace Hollywood has given you at this point in your career and now to be embraced by Chris Tucker!” Sam & Jessica are the Romy & Michele of TV journalists.
Seth MacFarlane’s opening monologue of Borsht Belt one-liners was painful. Ron Jeremy jokes (he’s in the hospital, by the way)? Chris Brown? Mel Gibson? Jodie Foster? The only amusing part was when William Shatner appeared as Captain Kirk and correctly said he’s the worst Oscar host ever. 80% of Americans were still asking who the fuck this guy was? They wouldn’t actually hate him until the appalling production number celebrating tits (Rob Lowe and Snow White – you’re finally off the hook), and then the deal was sealed when he harassed dear sweet, Sally Field dressed as the Flying Nun. By the way, Seth – the Flying Nun was television! Hard to be funny when you can’t be Stewie, huh?
Seventeen minutes of pointless jokes, sock puppet sketches, gay references, and dance routines. The show itself lasted over four hours. Producers Craig Zadan and Neil Meron were quick to yank winners off the stage yet allowed time for Seth to personally thank them during the show and then had not one but two tributes to CHICAGO, a movie they produced.
The most egregious winner being cut off was the LIFE OF PI visual effects gentleman who acknowledged the bankrupt studio Rhythm & Hues. After the movie was done all the workers were fired. My daughter Annie and her writing partner Jon said: Hopefully Cash4Gold accepts Oscars.
There was a big protest about this outside the Dolby Theater, but you never saw any of that. Instead you saw Jeffrey Katzenberg saluted as a great humanitarian.
Annie & Jon also added: “This was the first year the orchestra was brought in on remote. Next year musicians in China will be cutting off stars for twenty cents on the dollar.”
Paul Rudd & Melissa McCarthy were so unfunny they should host the show next year.
Reese Witherspoon added a touch of old time Hollywood glamour with her wavy hair swept off to one side. And Halle Berry was a throwback, wearing Joan Crawford’s wetsuit.
Spielberg will hire Waltz to play Siegfried.
The set decoration looked like the leftover props from HUGO.
What was with Jennifer Aniston’s scowl the entire time she presented? Did someone just tell her she had to make another movie with Adam Sandler?
Where was Price-Waterhouse? Probably bumped for the Ted “Jews-run-Hollywood” routine – Seth’s desperate attempt to win back the south.
Michael Douglas looked great. Actors talk about their arduous “journeys” but this guy went through hell and back. Having worked with him I can tell you he’s a mensch.
How was AMOUR nominated for both Best Foreign Film and Best Picture? If Spielberg knew that, LINCOLN would have been in French.
One argument people had with ARGO was that it made up facts. So was Ben Affleck the best choice to present the Best Documentary category?
Nice to see Amy Adams can still get into her ENCHANTED costume.
The Bond tribute was heartfelt considering that before Sunday, the last Bond film to win an Oscar was THUNDERBALL in 1966. I loved the montage and Bond music. Even though there were quick cuts that bounced from film to film it still made more sense than the story for MOONRAKER.
What a great night for divas. Shirley Bassey could still hit many of the GOLDFINGER notes, Jennifer Hudson screeched through her DREAMGIRLS song, Adele was wonderful although I have no idea what any of the lyrics of SKYFALL mean, but the best of them all was still Ms. Barbra.
Annie & Jon observed: The clip reel for AMOUR made the In Memoriam segment look upbeat.
Thank you Academy for not extending the Bond tribute by playing “Live and Let Die” over the In Memoriam segment.
Helena Bonham Carter looked like Marge Simpson after robbing a thrift shop.
Did it bother Seth that most of his jokes about assassinations, Nazis, children having sex with George Clooney, gays, Latinos, Adele’s weight, and Jews got huge groans not laughs? Not since Rush Limbaugh announced Monday Night Football has there been a worse casting decision. Denise Richards playing a nuclear physicist made more sense than Seth MacFarlane hosting on the biggest stage of the world.
How come actors all have “teams?” That's a fancy word for people who just take your money.
Note to Anne Hathaway: your phony humility and surprise is ridiculously transparent. To see what real surprise and genuine emotion is like study Adele acceptance speeches. And you’re not fooling anybody either with the short hair. You’re not Audrey Hepburn. Grow your hair and eat something.
After the LES MIS number I was hoping the producers would corner Hugh Jackman and say, “Would you do us a favor and take over hosting?”
From Annie & Jon: LES MIS won Best Make Up meaning it's easier to turn a man into a dwarf than it is to make Anne Hathaway look dirty.
During one cutaway to Steven Spielberg you could see him thinking: “I went in the wrong direction. I should have told the story of how Lincoln introduced tax breaks for motion picture productions.”
For those who missed it, here are the lyrics to the Best Song nominee from LIFE OF PI: “Oooooooo oooooooo ooooooo oooooo.”
Did Kristen Stewart forget to shoot up before going on stage?
Thrilled that Jennifer Lawrence won. If a Best Actress nominee had to trip on the stairs I’m sure glad it was her and not Emmanuelle Riva. Seth and Kristin Chenoweth would have been doing their snide closing number while avoiding the paramedics.
HUNGER GAMES 2 will now star Oscar Winner Jennifer Lawrence.
Charlize Theron looked like the world’s sexiest white cremation urn.
But no gown was as white as Jessica Chastain’s skin.
Notice that Quentin Tarantino’s wrap-it-up song was “Gone With the Wind?” At least they didn’t play him off with something from “Song of the South.” I guess Seth was over-ruled.
Daniel Day-Lewis was hilarious. He should host the Oscars next year. Ang Lee was also amusing. Let him emcee.
All in all, this was one of the worst and longest Oscarcasts in recent history. A bad lounge singer as host, random indulgent production numbers, and disrespect for the winners in favor of self-praise for the producers. The Golden Globes were a thousand times better. Tina & Amy indeed!
And here’s the worst thing about Seth MacFarlane – I bet he thought he did GREAT.
Truly, Seth, go back to the drawing board.
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